lonely wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2012
lonely wife
3
Mon, 01-06-2014 - 2:30am

I have been married for a long time and the lack of sex has been an issue since our first year of marriage. I don't understand. I am young, pretty and I do not nag and we don't argue. Actually, we get along great. My husband just doesn't think sex is very important. This kills my confidence. I wonder should I just get a hobby and come to terms with the fact that my husband will never desire me?

    It is sad for me when other women talk about how their husbands always want them. I just nod like I can relate. I can't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: wife1991
Mon, 01-06-2014 - 10:59am

I agree with Safire.  This has nothing to do with you, how young you are, how pretty you are, or anything else about YOU.  The problem is HIS!  The bigger problem is trying to find out what his problem is!  As was suggested, it might be a physical problem......he might be lacking in hormones.  It could be a mental problem.  Something that happened to him as a child, or something he was taught......like "sex is dirty"!  Many people, male and female are scarred by things they were told or they saw in childhood.  Once when I was about 10 or 11, a male relative of mine who was the same age showed me a "dirty picture" he'd found somewhere.  it showed a woman on her knees giving a man oral sex.  That picture was burned into my mind for YEARS.  I was married for 20 years, and my ex wanted me to do that for him.  NO WAY!  I thought it was something only prostitutes did.  I finally got beyond it, but never could enjoy it.  Many years went by, and I finally got it out of my mind, and now I enjoy doing it for my partner......but just one glance at a stupid picture messed with my head for many years.  And I doubt very much if he's gay! 

If you can't get him to talk to YOU about it, or get him to a doctor for a physical, then he's not going to change his ways.  You'll either have to learn to live with little or no sex......or end the marriage and find someone without problems or inhibitions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
In reply to: wife1991
Mon, 01-06-2014 - 9:22am

Some people have low libidos and some have average or high ones. It's most likely your husband has a low one. Unfortunately, many of us don't have the life experience to wisely choose a lifetime partner when we're young. We should've thought about all of our major needs being met before making that important decision. I married young and chose a man I shouldn't have chosen who had a different problem. After my divorce, I was in a one year relationship with a man with a low libido. Twice a month did not meet my needs and even though I knew I was attractive and sexy to many men, I still felt undesirable and frustrated in this situation.

I would speak to your husband about wanting sex more often and ask him if he can get his hormones checked. If he cares about you, he should comply with your wish. If it's not a hormone problem, I'm afraid his libido is what it is, and won't change. You are going to have to make the decision of whether or not staying in the marriage is the best path for you. You only have one lifetime on this planet, so spending it miserable is a disservice to yourself. And don't rule out that he is gay. I've know about two situations where men were gay and in marriages with women. One was to put on a front for his miltary career. The other was to put on a front for family and co-workers who "would never understand." I'm sorry for your dilemma. Even is people are kind partners, they are sometimes just not the right partner for you. Maybe he would be happier with a woman with a low libido like him, so that he doesn't feel lacking in that area, and dealing with a partner who is sad and frustrated. You might both be happier with people who match with you in all of the major ways. Just food for thought. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
In reply to: wife1991
Mon, 01-06-2014 - 4:24am

    Have you ever considered he may be gay? If he is not gay then something else has to be wrong and it should be addressed, unless something is physically wrong with your husband such as ED or impotence you should be having relations with your husband.You need to tell him how you feel and maybe a sex therapist is something that may be in order but you should not suffer in silence and allow your self esteem to be affected. I would not assume the problem is with me because he does not desire sex with me, I would have to assume he has a problem that we need to address. You have needs and have a right to have them fulfilled and your husband is wrong sex is important  at least to you it is and he needs to know this.

Good luck to you.