Long story

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Long story
12
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 12:33pm

I'm 31, he's 41. We've been married 7 years next Tuesday. I was 24 when we met, and he was my first. I was pregnant with a few months of us dating, and then he wouldn't touch me while pregnant.

We've had sex 2 times in nearly 2 years... once the night before we started couples therapy a few months ago. He has a healthy porn habit, which I would be fine with if I was getting any. I know it's not an erectile dysfunction issue. He admits to having a low libido, but how low is too low? He promised in therapy to work on it, but nothing. I'm in bed every night with erotic romance novels masturbating, while he's downstairs on the computer catching up on work, or reading blogs, or watching a movie. His friends are the ones telling me I'm hot; not him. I can't get him to admit that he's just not into me any longer. It's a great relationship outside of the bedroom. We get along really well, have lots of fun, great jobs, great friends, a great daughter, and a great life. But no sex.

He no longer thinks we need therapy... that we can just work on it ourselves.

At this point, I'm ready to move on, but I feel guilty about hurting him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
In reply to: rebecca_strong
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 1:07pm

Perhaps it's sex he's not into, rather than you. Contrary to popular myth, such males do exist. Visit the asexuality.org discussion boards for an eye-opening confirmation.

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
In reply to: rebecca_strong
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 1:33pm
Thank you for the link. I will definitely check that out. It's something I've considered. It doesn't help my situation, but I appreciate any information.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
In reply to: rebecca_strong
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 3:37pm

If you are ready to move on then do so because it seems its not gonna change.
As for hurting him,I dont think that it should be an issue.You have given enough time for him to resolve the problem and nothing has changed.Does he feel guilty for not making an effort?

A few questions though.
Does he have any health problems that could be affecting his LL?
What happens if you initiate?
Have you told him its a dealbreaker?
have you tried masturbating in front of him?Does he get aroused by that?

If you seriously believe you have given it all and have nothing left,move on.You are still young to live like this for the rest of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
In reply to: rebecca_strong
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 4:15pm

Does he have any health problems that could be affecting his LL?
**I'm not sure, to be honest. I know he doesn't have a problem getting it up and keeping it up. I do know that he didn't finish the last two times we made love. BUT... there's always a but... he does have a gastrointestinal issue he won't go to the doctor about. He was also supposed to get a vasectomy last year, but he's never called to schedule the appointment. I'm not his mother. I'm supportive of his health, but I can't do it for him. He was to do that himself. He has to be proactive in his own health and well-being.

What happens if you initiate?
**The last time I initiated a make-out session on the couch (just slow kissing), he giggled nervously. Not once, not twice, but 3 times. I told him I won't instigate again. That was major rejection.

Have you told him its a dealbreaker?
**Not in so many words, but I am going to be very blunt with him after my next appointment with our therapist

have you tried masturbating in front of him?
No. He was a little put off and shocked when I told him I was buying a vibrator.

Does he get aroused by that?
I don't know. After nearly 7 years of marriage, I have no idea what turns him on. He won't/can't tell me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: rebecca_strong
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 5:39pm
Has he been tested for T levels? That can really drop the interest in sex!
http://www.urologychannel.com/testosteronedeficiency/index.shtml

xvx Pictures, Images and Photos


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
In reply to: rebecca_strong
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 7:01pm

I am always curious about people who want to stop therapy early. I'm hard-pressed to come up with a reason except that 1) the therapy was getting too close to painful issues at the heart of the problem and 2) the person isn't really willing to change and doesn't need someone else supporting the other side (in support of change). I'm sure there are other reasons -- cost comes to mind -- but these are the ones that spring to the fore.


Given his nervous giggling at other times and his discomfort about you masturbating, I don't suppose you watch porn together. It does occasionally kick start things at my house.


I've been married a million years. Your reality is my reality. I can tell you, it doesn't change. The gap between your need and your partner's willingness just grows wider. Heaven help you if you experience an uptick in your libido as you age!


I have no advice to offer, just my support. You're not alone in your experience. Whatever you choose to do, don't be driven by guilt. That's just a recipe for resentment and a barrier between yourself and happiness. If you stay, stay because it's right for you. If you go, go because it's right for you. No guilt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
In reply to: rebecca_strong
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 11:40pm

"At this point, I'm ready to move on, but I feel guilty about hurting him."


Try not to feel guilty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: rebecca_strong
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 10:32am

<>

You are already hurting him. Just read the accounts of any of the many LLs on here. It's no fun to be on either end of this. It's best to set both of you free to find more compatible partners.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
In reply to: rebecca_strong
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 11:50am

<>

In a recent post that I wrote in response to a HL asking about "LL signs to watch for," I listed "giggling nervously while making out" as one of the huge red flags. I'm a LL female and I believe I have very good radar for LL males. (It takes one to know one, I guess.) So it sounds to me like your guy is LL, or else has a sexual secret (e.g., homosexuality, restrictive fetish) that you're unaware of. If you want and need a guy with a robust sexual interest and responses, this may not be the guy for you.

JMHO Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
In reply to: rebecca_strong
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 1:19pm

IMO, you have done all you could.I would feel very rejected by this behavior even though it may not be his fault.Thats how he is and unfortunately you can do nothing to change it.Its a MML.Therapy will not solve it as its beyond his control.

It will be fair enough for you guys to D.You will be happy and so will he be.

Being blunt or confronting him is not going to take you anywhere as he is very LL and seems to be fine with it.Its unfortunately your problem and you need to make a decision to live like this w/o whining , complaining ,basically accepting it or leave the situation and stop being hurt and hating him for something he doesnt have a control on.

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