"Marriage Counselor" no help--now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
"Marriage Counselor" no help--now what?
8
Wed, 11-23-2011 - 3:53am

Hi.

I'm brand new to this board and I'm not even sure what I expect by airing my laundry to people I don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007

What was your sex life like before children?

When you got married at 20, entered the service, had three children and made the decision to be a stay-at-home-mom, what were your expectations of what your life would be like?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009

Welcome to the board, and congratulations for expressing your issues and for seeking help and support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Wed, 11-23-2011 - 11:04am
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011

The being alone part does suck with no one to talk / vent to, it's the reason I'm here too, so don't feel bad, it does help

I thought about Marriage Counseling myself, and this is what I'm afraid of, most are worthless IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009

As a fellow military spouse, I have to tell you not to use any of the services recommended by the military. I'm being a bit cheeky, of course, but only a bit. Seek out your own lawyers, get a proper power of attorney and find your own marriage counsellor. The military cannot funtion without military spouses. They don't pay their people enough to be able to afford someone to keep their houses going, their children fed and clothed, bills paid, dogs walked 24/7 for the full length of a tour overseas. It is in the military's best interest to keep spouses in 1950s mode. We're generally not able to have careers or our own pensions because we don't stay in a place long enough to qualify for seniority or to build up a pension. I'm one of the lucky ones.

So get your own marriage counsellor who is willing to listen to both of you. I'm sure there are issues on both sides. Both of you probably need to make some adjustments. It's a relationship so it's rarely all one person or the other.

I would further say that you'll want to speak to a counsellor before you make promises about being open to more sex if he helps out around the house. It never seems to be as simple as that and, having been on the broken end of that particular promise, I'll say you can only use it once if you don't keep it. And I think your issues are more profound than just that he takes a big nap after dinner. You're in a different country (away from your family and support systems). He's stepped right into his job with ready-made buddies but you haven't really had the chance to make friends yet. You mostly see the inside of your house but your husband is more interested in getting inside you. These are great big issues and we haven't even really talked about getting the man who does more before 7 a.m. than most people do all day to do a bit more around the house.

I think you should take that week alone. Get one of those Army Family Vacation deals and take a few days to get reacquainted with yourself. I try to do it a couple of times a year and I'm not the one being overwhelmed with sexual demands. Besides, I think it's good for the military member to be reminded that it's a lot of work to keep the house going and that they take it for granted at their own peril.

I think you're also going to want to figure out for yourself how often you would like to have sex and at what time of day. And then go from there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004

Thank you for the replies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2012
Oh Honey…..I feel ya. I've been a SAHM and I cannot get over people who think it's such a friggin walk-in-the-park. My kids are 3 & 5 (I took my finals in college 2 weeks after my 5y was born) and I have spent every minute of the last 5 years of my life waiting on them and my husband hand & foot. It hasn't gotten easier either and I cannot wait to work again.

So….in response to your specific issue, my H and I had a very active sex life pre-kids. Then we had them. My exhaustion set in and long story short, it never mattered that I literally could barely get up the stairs at the end of the day. I was expected to have enthusiastic and passionate sex EVERY night. And eventually I told myself that it was my job and I should just be happy my husband was so attracted to me still and being a SAHM….. I had it so easy and all *rolling my eyes*. As a result, I ended up hating sex and didn't orgasm for years (although I could all by myself lol) Anyway, and this is the thing I find funny about all these HL people threatening to have an affair, I ended up straying (he had too many times but that's a whole other board). I WANTED sex. TONS of it. I just wanted it with someone who wouldn't yell at me for hours if I attempted to have an opinion about it. Idk if my H & I can work out all our issues but this is a big one for me. I tried to deny for years that it mattered. It does. You deserve to feel amazing when you have sex too. This is bigger than sex. This is a respect issue. On both sides. You WILL eventually resent him if he doesn't make a serious attempt to help you out right now. For a woman, raising kids in the early years is considered one of the most difficult periods of her life. That is the truth and not the 50's bs that still gets shoved down your throat. It's exhausting, challenging, and often leaves you feeling like your own needs are worthless. And we buy into this.

LISTEN TO YOURSELF. I literally told myself every minute that my job was to take care of my husband and children. I believed anything I wanted was selfish. This has led to a very toxic relationship. I became a person I hated and my H became a self-centered jerk. Don't disregard your feelings. They are important, even if you don't get a paycheck. I don't mind taking care of my 3 & 5 year old and working. It's the 35 year old I'm ready to unload. Feel free to message me privately if you ever want to talk. You are me 4 years ago.

I wish you luck and peace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
>>My exhaustion set in and long story short, it never mattered that I literally could barely get up the stairs at the end of the day. I was expected to have enthusiastic and passionate sex EVERY night. And eventually I told myself that it was my job and I should just be happy my husband was so attracted to me still and being a SAHM….. I had it so easy and all *rolling my eyes*. As a result, I ended up hating sex and didn't orgasm for years (although I could all by myself lol) Anyway, and this is the thing I find funny about all these HL people threatening to have an affair, I ended up straying (he had too many times but that's a whole other board). I WANTED sex. TONS of it. I just wanted it with someone who wouldn't yell at me for hours if I attempted to have an opinion about it. Idk if my H & I can work out all our issues but this is a big one for me. I tried to deny for years that it mattered. It does. You deserve to feel amazing when you have sex too. This is bigger than sex. This is a respect issue. On both sides<< Wow! I really get where you are coming from with this. "wanted it with someone who wouldn't yell at me for hours if I attempted to have an opinion..." OMG! I would bet that could be me if I stepped outside my relationship.