Married 1 year - Very Mismatched Libidos

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2010
Married 1 year - Very Mismatched Libidos
152
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 2:57am

Hi all -

I have been married a just over a year and have known my wife 4.5 years.

Sadly sex has become steadily rarer (once every 7-8 wks is average) over the last 3 years and oral has disappeared altogether.

We have similar jobs, no kids, and housework is shared fairly!

I can just about live with the frequency of sex (always hoping it will increase as we work on things) but I am finding the oral increasing impossible to go without! I always say I am just as happy to give as receive, but this does not make a difference.

Obviously I miss the feeling of a moist mouth and lips on me (I was probably spoilt by getting it twice a week in the early days!), to the point where I confided in a female friend who offered to 'help me out' orally but I turned it down in fear of it going further.

What i fundamentally miss is the level of intimacy that full and oral sex brings.

Obviously I have talked it over with my wife but she says her drive will come back when she loses weight (she has put on 42 pounds since wedding, however I still want to make love to her and also her drive sex drive had declined before the weight gain anyway).

Does anyone have any suggestions or has anyone been in similar situation and 'got thru to the other side' happily??

Kind regards--

Alex
Alex

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 6:51am

>>...and 'got thru to the other side' happily??<<

That, unfortunately, is rare. So don't count on it, but work towards it.

A happy solution to mismatched libidos requires two people working hard towards negotiating a mutually satisfactory deal. What this is to you and your wife, only you two can find out.

A couple of questions:

What does she say about the situation?

Has she seen her GP about her drop in libido?

How is your marriage as a whole? Has any other things changed drastically?

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 10:16am

Save yourself years or decades of misery.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 10:52am

<>

Is she actively trying to lose weight now? Even then, this is usually just one of many "excuses" that LLs use.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 10:57am

>>Is she actively trying to lose weight now? Even then, this is usually just one of many "excuses" that LLs use.<<

I just chafe at the word "excuses." In a LOT of cases, LLs BELIEVE that these things will be true. In these cases it is not an evil manipulative plot, it is simply a case where things don't turn out the way the LL thought they would.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 11:15am

so, it may be good intentions, BUT



a) the LL needs to understand the loss of credibility and trust she faces if she doesn't change, or never loses the weight (road to hell paved with good intentions)



b) the HL needs to understand that what he wants may well not happen on the current basis.



Personally, I'd see this as unlikely to work, and would be rattling cages, insisting on a programme of exercise and diet, and nominating an explicit enpoint regardless, which he can stick to (assuming that he actually has had enough and is committed to a change).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 11:19am

I agree, and disagree. I think the safest course of action would be for the HL to assure the LL that they do not care what the LL weighs, it is not relevant to the HL's desire or needs in any way. The HL should be clear that it is not okay to wait until the LL loses weight to fix the mismatch. They need to work with the mismatch as it is now, and find a middle ground that is good enough, in case there is no changing the libido of either one by any means.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 11:28am

They need to work with the mismatch as it is now, and find a middle ground that is good enough



Yes, spot on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 12:50pm

"I just chafe at the word "excuses." In a LOT of cases, LLs BELIEVE that these things will be true. In these cases it is not an evil manipulative plot, it is simply a case where things don't turn out the way the LL thought they would."

I also chafe and here's why. When I was trying to "fix" it one of the most consistent pieces of advice I kept getting from doctors was "Well if you'll just start exercising and lose a bit of weight your energy levels will increase as will your libido". You know I bought it, hook, line, and sinker, and it never worked for me. So when I was telling DH "just let me lose some weight and things will be better" I believed it as true, because that's what the doctors kept saying.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 1:02pm

Excellent post.



The idea is not to put the HL's need on hold until things become easier for the LL.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 1:06pm

<>

That's why I put the word in quotes. I didn't say it was done maliciously. But, as other pointed out, the damage is done nonetheless.

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