Misattribution of Arousal

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Misattribution of Arousal
10
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 5:38pm

The Truth:

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 10:13pm

...I do not believe that I have ever met someone...or read words from someone who has expressed that they always know why they feel the way they feel...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sat, 07-09-2011 - 3:47am

Fascinating article! Thanks for the link!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sat, 07-09-2011 - 10:40am
<<...I do not believe that I have ever met someone...or read words from someone who has expressed that they always know why they feel the way they feel...>>

Really? I think all but the most introspective among us realize that our feelings are often misguided, irrational, and often a product of very complex factors that may or may not have anything to do with the most immediate stimulus. That is why people feel bonded to one another when they participate in an intense activity or share a common tragedy.

This also makes me think of the Bachelor/Bachelorette as far as how unrealistic and even ridiculous is the premise of the show. Can two people really know each other well enough to get married and share a life together in such a short time and through such unrealistic scenarios?

If you read the article, I think almost everyone has fallen into the trap of ascribing an emotion to a person that has more to do with the environment and outside forces than the person themselves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sat, 07-09-2011 - 10:52am

...I think societal norms and pressures play such a part in the chaos that an engagement can be...as I look back now, I would like to tell all of the people getting married to live together for 5 year (even produce the first child if children are a joint desire)...after 5 years, re-evaluate...but, again...at the time, societal pressures will still present and the couple will continue to make choices based on what they are told is "right" or "acceptable"...the number one "mistake" will be to continue a relationship that doesn't work because children are involved and they (the couple) will take statistics that are presented as a way of controlling society (children are always at a disadvantage when a product of divorce) use that to explain staying together in a house hold that might include disrespect, abuse (mental or physical) infidelity (which I think does far more damage that divorce can every do) deceit, and dislike (though the couple will think they hide all of those things really well and the children don't notice)...an interesting note is that of the individuals that I have spoken to who are seeking some sort of life advice (whether as a couple or not ) they more often than not say things like "I wish my parents would have separated sooner" or "I wish my parents had divorced" but never "I'm relieved that my mom (or dad) had a sexual outlet on the side so that she/he could stay in an unhappy marriage"...

..off track, sorry...but, I think (without reading the article) that people marry for a whole host of reasons that often do not include "I love this person in spite of everything and everyone"...usually it is more like "the wedding is already paid for" or "we've been dating a long time, all of our friends are married/marrying and this seems like the logical next step" or "my mother/father really loves him/her" or "we've been together since high school"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Sat, 07-09-2011 - 7:19pm

VERY interesting! Thanks for sharing.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 11:26am
Not surprising, but this reinforces a big part of why my marriage is not fulfilling. If I were attempting anything challenging, the last person I would want to be there with me is Mrs. Hold. Her presence makes it much more difficult for me to accomplish anything. I know this is mostly inside my own head, but it has been the case since we met. We have never done well working together.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 11:57am
>>it has been the case since we met. We have never done well working together.<<

This is true in my relationship as well. DH's style of working together doesn't really work for me. He is critical and short tempered, and when we work together on things I feel dramatically LESS able to love him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 12:03pm
holdingontoit wrote:
Not surprising, but this reinforces a big part of why my marriage is not fulfilling. If I were attempting anything challenging, the last person I would want to be there with me is Mrs. Hold. Her presence makes it much more difficult for me to accomplish anything. I know this is mostly inside my own head, but it has been the case since we met. We have never done well working together.

For the most part DH and I work well together as a team.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 2:21pm

For the most part DH and I work well together as a team.

No doubt that this is largely why you have been able to manage your ML much better than most.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Mon, 07-18-2011 - 7:20am

There's lots of interesting research on this generally - the rational and conscious part of what we do is often a post-hoc rationalisation, a bit like information a chief exec has of what's happening in the organisation.