The Mismatched Myths

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
The Mismatched Myths
110
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 6:51am

I have no doubt that this topic has been covered before, but I thought it'd be a nice idea none the less (both for newbies and old-timers).

We all know that sex and especially sex related to gender-differences is packed with myths which may hinder understanding, empathy and fruitful negotiation. So! Let's get them down on paper and explain what's wrong with them. I'll start off with a few classics.

Men always want sex.
False. No, they don't! There are low libido men, as well as men with an average or high libido who at times finds themselves uninterested in sexual activity for various reasons. That is okay.

Low libido always has a "cause".
False. While low libido sometimes can be explained by medical or psychological reasons, a lot of the time it just is. Just as some have a bigger appetite for food and connect food with a number of feelings and situations, others rate food low on their priority list and do not find eating particularly pleasureable.

Orgasm = Sexual enjoyment.
False.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 7:36am

This is an absolutely fantastic list, nono. I especially applaud items 2 and 3. I would qualify #2 by saying that even if LL does have a reason (in the sense of individual life experiences that shaped sexual wiring), it doesn't necessarily indicate a physiological or psychological pathology.

Regarding item 3, it's been said on this board that orgasm for HLs is like a big exhilarating whoosh after a thrilling toboggan ride, while orgasm for certain LLs is like a big exhilarating whoosh after an arduous uphill climb. If the journey to orgasm is fraught with physical or psychological discomfort there will be little desire to have sex, no matter how many moans precede the orgasm. HLs sometimes have trouble understanding this. They see their partner moaning and think, "wow, she's really into the sex." Then they wonder: "Why in he-l-l doesn't she want it more often?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 7:57am

Thank you, freelance.

What I meant to say by #2 is that it isn't always due to unhealthy reasons, but I found it a bit difficult. "Physical or psychiatric" may be a better way to phrase it?

I want to add to your comment about number three that the difference can also be in the sensations AFTER orgasm. If all you get out of sex is some physical pleasure, it may be fun at times when you have the excess energy, but fall of your to-do list when you're stressed or caught up in other ways. Since I feel de-stressed, in love and engaged with my partner for days after a sexual encounter, it is high on my motivation list, even if the road to orgasm or orgasm isn't amazing every time.

Can you think of any myths that are missing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 8:41am

>

Very interesting -- and utterly foreign to me. No wonder HLs clamour for sex so much!

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 8:51am

...good list...the notion that an HL, if they work hard enough, will finally be able to provide that orgasm that will finally awaken the sleeping sexuality of their partner is a biggie...the other thing that I think is so harmful is the "I can'ts"..."she/he can't understand" "she/he can't imagine" "she/he can't sympathize" "she/he can't participate more" "she/he can't lower their expectations and look for fulfillment in what might be good enough for this relationship to survive and thrive" "I can't leave this relationship"...there isn't a single "can't"...all are "won'ts"...big difference...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 8:56am

...oh, what about "there are no normals or enoughs, it's all relative" or "ML is not the problem, it's the attitudes of the individuals that are involved"....there are a few halves of couples that post here that have found ways to keep a relationship healthy even though the other halves have very different libidos...I think it's curious to use the word "resolve" when it comes to ML...it's never resolved...it's just like every other relationship issue, it has to be "taken care of" constantly...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 8:56am

No-no,

How long have you been on this board?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 9:06am

...wait, just thought of something else...what about the 'bait and switch' one...maybe a partner did form the thought "I am going to pretend to love sex so that I can marry this sorry sonofab-eye-tch, trap him with a mortgage and a few kids, and be set for life"...but, it's probably more along the lines of "what a nice man...so caring and smart and handsome (which doesn't equal hot) and successful (or potentionally so)...he would make such a good husband/father...so different from these sex fiends that have been stalking my every move since I was 15...I'll grow to be attracted him" or "he's so great, he's got my back, he's such a good friend...I'll grow to be attracted to him"...

...by the way...if you do feel that your spouse used the whole "I want to use him for what he's got or might have so I am going to purposefully mislead him"...why would you want to stay and raise children with this person?...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 9:16am
>> "he's so great, he's got my back, he's such a good friend...I'll grow to be attracted to him"...<<

I did this with my first husband. I realized it wasn't going to work out after about 2 years (although deep in my heart I suspected it wouldn't about 6 months before our wedding.) I cut him loose after less than 5 years, let him keep almost all the assets we had acquired, and tried to learn from the pain I'd caused. I still feel pretty bad about that. I guess the universe found a way to pay me back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 9:21am

...the universe does that...I always think of the KARMA police swooping around me watching for me to feel smug and secure...just last night, I thought about how grateful I am that my husband doesn't find the same things entertaining that entertained my first husband..Married with Children, Sanford and Son, Professional Wrestling...then, this morning...I sat for a half hour with my man while he was fixated on a clip called "Chrome, the Operating System"...at least Sanford and Son could be mildly interesting...he's still coming into the kitchen to discuss certain things he found fascinating...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 9:22am
I have been on this board on and off for about 8 months, so I am not that quick of a learner - but I am getting there :)

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