Mismatched sex drives and desperate for a baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2011
Mismatched sex drives and desperate for a baby
Thu, 01-20-2011 - 8:29pm

Hi there,

I am completely new to this but literally at my wits end and don't know where else I can possibly turn. I have been married for 5 years and always wanted children but have struggled with infertility due to polycystic ovaries. In recent months for no reason I have started ovulating myself naturally and therefore every month there is now I chance I could conceive. My husband's interest in sex has been diminishing for the last year and he admitted the other day that although he really wants a family he literally never has any desire to have sex and he believes he is suffering from depression. I do love him and although our difference sex drives have caused some stress in the marriage this is the first time I really feel like I could leave him. I was 30 in November and my biological clock is ticking and if he can't have sex ever I have no chance of ever having my dream realized. He is going to the doctor next week but he is very messed up and needs counseling which will take time and I don't have time on my side anymore. I really don't know what to do, should I stay and risk never having a family or go and move on with my life and try to meet someone who is prepared to do whatever it takes to have a family like I am. PLEASE HELP I am so desperate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003

Well, you could still have a baby with him through artificial insemination if you're both motivated. The questions are:

1. Does he want a baby as much as you do?

2. How important is sex to you?

3. If the answer to #2 is yes, how willing is he to address the mismatch?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009

...I'm going to be honest with my opinion...ok?...I think you should tell your husband that you want him to engage with you enthusiastically (showing an interest in your needs) even if that engaging does not always equal intercourse...then you need to ask what his needs are and work toward enthusiastically engaging (not just sexual) with him to work toward a compromise for both of you...if he's unwilling to work with you toward a compromise, you have your answer...that is, if spending the rest of your life with someone unwilling to compromise is unacceptable...pregnancy is the least of your worries and will only make the marriage more stressful and the sex less frequent...

...if your husband feels he is depressed, he SHOULD be seeking professional guidance with that...do you think he could be bi-sexual or having an affair or asexual?...all are viable options for his disinterest...if he is bi-sexual or asexual, both could have been managed without the need to address in the beginning because of the rush of hormones surging through his body...just a thought...please don't work toward a pregnancy until you have answered every quesiton you posed to us, ok?...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
ITA with the above post ! You dont have to have sex to have a baby but the issue goes beyond that. Another thought could be that he actually doesnt want a baby, hence no sex ( taking too much precaution) and agrees just to please you ?

Counselling is in order.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

There is a lot to go over.