Mismatched....or just troubled

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mismatched....or just troubled
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 5:47pm

Never used this particular board but have been on iV forever.  My DH and I have been together for 42 long years and only recently have I realized our biggest mistakes were getting married too quickly and not truly BUILDING a healthy marriage all those years ago.  The physical stuff was always the big glue that kept us together thru everything that has happened during all these years.  He has misbehaved really badly and caused most of the troubles we've had and I guess I still don't want to go our separate ways!  I've been so affected by events the past 5 years, esp. the past 2 or so, that my interest seems to have taken a vacation, and it feels to me we are living like roommates with occasional privileges.  I initiate occasionally, but not because I really am in the mood - I have trouble truly enjoying it all that much anymore.  The guy has done such a total turnaround I likely SHOULD be doing better than I am and I'm in counseling addressing my own problems.  A lack of regularity has never been our problem, and he doesn't really complain.  He even told me recently his own interest isn't what it once was but that also he really does miss it, too.  I hate forcing myself to do something that once was so natural, the bedroom has been my best thing with him for so long, and I think that is what's bugging me.  I didn't expect this, that's what I think I'm saying.  I'm being treated for some health problems just like I think most women old enough to have been married for 42 years, and he's messed up enough times that it was the beginning of this problem, so it's complicated. 

I could probably teach you all a thing or two by now, but at the same time I'm here asking for feedback.  Anyone else experience this lack of interest and find an answer to it?  It's the last thing I anticipated, but here it is.....

Boy, I had a hard time editing this so it will actually post.  The topic of the board should allow for certain words, good grief. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Wed, 02-27-2013 - 2:02pm


In the past 42 years have you not worked on a healthy relationship? Has it been unhealthy all 42 years?

You seem to have put a lot of effort in staying with him as you say he has caused problems throughout the marriage.

Is there anyway you two can talk about the issues, either together or with a counsellor? Is your health issues affecting your libido?

I know I run hot and cold in the bedroom with the hubby but know much of it is due to going through menopause.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 1:15pm

Hi Myra - as you may have guessed, this board has virtually been abandoned. Unfortunately, the change from the old format and the associated bedding-down issues (so to speak) just became too frustrating for everyone. I mean really, using one of the words that appears in the title of the board triggers the profanity filter? Really??? :)

DO have a look through some of the old threads, however. There is a fabulous amount of information, musings and opinion contained therein. There were a lot of people with some great insights on this board.

EVERYONE on this board has experienced that lack of interest - from one end or the other. Yours is somewhat unusual in that it occurs after 42 years. It sounds that whatever has happened in the past 5 years has taken its toll on your desire and that those are the issues at the root of the problem. Typically on this board, one half of a couple is more or less completely uninterested in sex. With a couple of notable and very welcome exceptions, it was the high-libid0 folk who tended to post here. It sounds like historically, both you and your spouse had healthy and well-matched libidos.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 03-07-2013 - 3:33am
Well maybe if he's as you say "not complaining" you should just relax and think of it as more of a quality than quantity deal ; ) Same problem here. Since going thru the big M 5 years ago my interest has definitely waned a lot. But as you say he's no spring chicken either and so has his. I really think everyone slows down a lot as they get older and as long as your both happy with the amount why worry ; )