ML on honeymoon

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2011
ML on honeymoon
22
Fri, 11-11-2011 - 10:06pm

Hi, a few years back I was more active on this board. I had HL and my boyfriend was LL and we didn't know how to communicate. At this point, he is still LL and I am not HL by any means but compared to him I guess I am. I have learned in the last 3 years to not initiate sex at all because of the rejection that I will face. I would almost rather not have sex than be rejected by him. Occasionally (my birthday, for example) I will initiate, knowing that he won't say no to me on that day. I have gotten used to not having sex, I have learned to not think about it and therefore I will not want it. Sometimes when I want it, I just pretend I dont and convince myself that I have better things to do or that I am too tired (which usually I am tired, however being tired was never an excuse!) Our relationship is good in all other areas, and when I don't ask for sex, it's good in all areas. We communicate about almost everything and our arguements are short lived-and as I have gotten older I have learned how to get what I want through compromise.

He is my best friend, and I can picture us being together forever, it's just easy (whether or not consistently romantic...) We are getting married in June, and I am very much looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him-knowing that our sex life will not change for the better. My concern is for the honeymoon. I know (strongly presume) that I will want sex at least a few times during our trip, and I would be shocked if he even wants it once. I don't want to spend our honeymoon feeling rejected and unwanted, and I also don't want to spend it trying to convince myself that I dont want sex. We are compromising with the location (I want beautiful resorty beach, he wants historical city) so wherever we go, there will be some relaxing by the water and some sightseeing. I just hope we can compromise on the sex as well.

Thanks for any advice you may have, but please don't tell me not to marry him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sat, 11-12-2011 - 2:57pm
Congratulations on your engagement Jamier.

I'm a LL and didn't particularly enjoy the sex aspect of or honeymoon, but otherwise we had a wonderful, wonderful time. My only advice would be to try and reach a shared understanding before you go so that, for example, you are both expecting that you'll have sex in three or four special places while you're away, and will spend the rest of the time relaxing and.sightseeing.

Doesn't have to be a heavy conversation - just something along the lines of "I've always dreamed of having you make love to me beside the sea in x place." That way your expectations are clear, and you can hopefully both enjoy your once in a lifetime trip without the sex becoming a point of contention.

Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sat, 11-12-2011 - 5:10pm

If I could go back 27 years and do things over, I wouldn't marry someone with a lower libido than my own. Do you want to end up bitter, screwed up and lonely like me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2011
Sat, 11-12-2011 - 5:36pm
You mean you get frustrated like when today is your 7th anniversary and you spent the day cooking a special meal for your wife (slow roasted the finest pot roast I have ever made) and cleaning to now be sitting alone in the dark as she just went to bed early because you were able to get the kids to sleep in their own beds at a reasonable time? No, I can't understand your frustration.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Sun, 11-13-2011 - 12:03am

By marrying the guy, you are signing up a legal document , so to speak , and henceforth loose the right to make expectations , demands, suggestions , conditions ,etc.

You live with the kind of life you sign up for, w/o any resentment, sadness, emptiness, rejection and unhappiness.He doesnt owe you a thing when you are going in your eyes wide open.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sun, 11-13-2011 - 2:44pm

By marrying the guy, you are signing up a legal document , so to speak , and henceforth loose the right to make expectations , demands, suggestions , conditions ,etc.

I don't subscribe to that view of marriage at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Sun, 11-13-2011 - 8:18pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Sun, 11-13-2011 - 11:34pm

I should have added : in regards to sex. Since OP knows that there is a MML already , she cant expect the guy to have sex with her on honeymoon if he doesnt want to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Mon, 11-14-2011 - 4:57am

"a constant negotiation"

Not only that, a freedom.

I've never wanted W "bound" to me by some legalistic agreement, it's consenting adults.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 11-14-2011 - 10:36am

Choices and consequences

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 11-14-2011 - 11:12am
>>Choices and consequences - not contracts.

I couldn't agree with you more. That's exactly how I frame it to my DW. She has the freedom to do or not do whatever she wants but there are consequences to all of of her actions.<<

The trick with this is to keep it from becoming parental. I don't want a parent/child relationship with my spouse, in either direction, and sometimes the whole choices/consequences thing (when it's too overt) starts to smack of paternalism. I think the real trick is to avoid punitive consequences. The consequences aren't manufactured to punish the spouse for bad behavior, merely natural fallout from the opposed position of the partners.

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