mslawyer, something you wrote struck me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
mslawyer, something you wrote struck me
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 10:51am
You wrote something like, "I knew he didn't want to but, me being me, I plowed ahead anyway." OK, I am totally paraphrasing there but I am too lazy to go look up exactly what you wrote.

The point is, as I read it, I thought "Oh that is ME!" Sometimes I know my timing is off and yet I don't back off. I had to be brutally honest with myself (after all, that is what I am asking my LL dh to do, right) and try to figure out why I do that.

Here is what I came up with:

First of all, sometimes I just want sex and I don't want it to be completely dependent on his moods alone.

Secondly, there is something about that "forbidden fruit" aspect of knowing that you are likely to get shot down that makes it so much more desirable.

Third, there are two things going on mentally with me when this scenario comes up. #1 I want to prove that I've still "got it". And #2, I want HIM to prove to me that he desires me as much as he says he does.

Which would mean that, theoretically, this desire is still present even on a night when sex was not initially on his mind.

It is a good example of the 'marital sadism' that is talked about in the Passionate Marriage book. I *know* somewhere deep down that things will not turn out good and yet I persist. Why? There must be some need within myself to punish him for his lack of overwhelming desire for me. When I pursue sex and he is clearly not interested I become pouty or angry and he, in turn, feels guilty. I (this is where the brutal honesty comes in--it aint pretty) on some level WANT him to feel bad for not desiring me the way I think he should. It is totally unfair to him.

He has even said to me, on those "me being me, I plowed ahead" occasions that I am setting him up to fail.

It was very hard for me to admit that he might be right! He point blank asked me to help him succeed, to be a success, instead of zero'ing in on those nights when I know he will fail me. When he phrased it this way, I felt like the biggest jerk that ever lived...of course I want to help him be a success rather than aim a big, fat spotlight on his failings.

Anyway, I'm not saying that any of this applies to you or your situation with your dh, but I wanted you to know that your words struck a nerve with me and reminded me of this conversation with him! I now have a new resolve to remember his words.

I still haven't figured out what to do about MY need for sex on the nights when *I* want it--regardless of his mood--but that is a whole 'nother post. :) :)

Congrats to you on your Viagra success, btw.

Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 11:06am
Oh this all applies to me without a doubt. I don't think I had ever really thought it out as well as you have, but I think I am doing the exact same thing! Ever since I was little, I have had this attitude of "Don't tell me I can't..." As soon as I am told no, I want to do it ten times more than I originally did. It's a whole competitive thing with me, "you don't think I can huh, well I will show you..." and it should not be when it comes to sex with my DH, that is for sure.

Just now while, I am typing this, something came to me. If anyone forced me to pick one thing about my DH that I wished was more like other relationships I have had (besides more sex), I would have answered, I wish he challenged me more. But here I am realizing that he challenges me more on this issue than anyone else ever has! Funny, I don't think I ever realized that. I guess you have to be careful what you ask for, because sometimes maybe you really don't want it. lol