My boyfriend dosen't "want" me!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
My boyfriend dosen't "want" me!!!
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 12:05am
My boyfriend seems to care little for, maybe even dislike sex. I need to know how you can tell if maybe he's fighting a sexual desire for men. It's that bad. Not only does he not initate but he pulls away from me when I try to. He says that he dosen't really understand the point of french kissing and he will rarely ever try it, only during sex. He will not engage in any sort of sexual activity with me unless we are having or preparing to have intercourse. When I attempt to initate sex he will pull away from my kisses, display obvious disinterest, and find any excuse such as being tired, having work, a friend is coming by, other people in the house...whatever. He can see me naked and even take a shower with me without getting excited. He claims that he simply has a low sex drive but this is ridiculous. I feel very rejected, like he dosen't want me. I have tried to talk to him about the problem but I don't seem to be getting anywhere. I know he loves me so why wouldn't he want to fix this problem? Apparently this was a problem in his past marriage and he still has not taken measures to fix the problem. Is that because he is attracted to men? Am I jumping to conclusions? How can I find out? Could it just be a low sex drive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Hello - welcome to the board. To answer your question, I don't know if your boyfriend is attracted to men or not, but this doesn't really matter - the point is that he has a problem with intimacy with you which was also present in his previous marriage, meaning that this is a longstanding problem. What is BEHIND it is less important than the fact that he won't DEAL with it, but if its any consolation you are not alone - this is very common with men like this. We often say this to new people on the board but it does bear repeating: on this Clashing libidos board you will find women and men with high libido, looking for support and advice, you will find women with low libido seeking support and advice because they recognise this is endangering their relationships but you will not fing ANY low libido men here. Either they don't want to admit there's a problem or they are not motivated enough to seek solutions or change.

Yes, some people have a rather lower sex drive than others, but this does not lead to the sort of behaviours and discomfort with closeness that your partner is displaying.

If you read through some of the other posts here you will get an idea of how your boyfriend's behaviour is similar to other people's LL partners, and how all the "I'm too busy too tired, have to bath the dog..." excuses are common too.... You will also get a feel for all the things other people have tried that DON'T work - like poor amanda's "whipped cream" experiment etc....

i'm sure you will find the board helpful so stick around.

Avatar for janegael
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Honey, if you are feeling rejected now, think very hard about staying in this relationship or taking it further. This man will break your heart. You can fix him. He has to fix himself and right now he doesn't want to. Worse, he isn't worried about how you feel. You deserve a man who will love you and cuddle you and want to make love with you.

Good luck with this one. There are no easy answers.