My guy's low libido

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
My guy's low libido
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 8:58pm
So glad to have found this board. I am a divorced, 37 year old who has had only 2 partners. My ex and now my boyfriend of 10 months. My ex wanted sex all the time and I just couldn't keep up. I didn't want to and began to resent him over the years. Anyway, I now have a guy who seems to care less when we hook up. My tables have turned and now my libido is sky high. For the first time in my life, I have a man who is affectionate and loving and who always tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. I never had that and consider this foreplay. I am always wanting sex when I am around him. On the other hand, he is a father of 3 young children who are in almost every extracurricular activity known to man. He also has to deal with a hostile ex-spouse. I guess he is just so tired all of the time that sex is the last thing on his mind. Honestly, he tries to catch up on sleep all the time. I have recently found out through a friend that his ex would call him gay in front of the kids and tell him he wasn't good enough sexually (comparing him to guys she was cheating with). Is he just wiped out and his confidence low? Can stress and exhaustion play such a big role? Here I am starting to take things personally and I'm not sure I should. When we do connect, he is the most awesome man I could ever imagine being with. He is so caring and willing to satisfy me. I just worry about when we get married. I hate putting so much emphasis on sex, but I think it is very important in a relationship. It validates me as a woman and as his one and only. Should I let it go? I guess this all surfaced the other day when our friend said that she bets we can't wait until Tues. nights when our kids are with their other parents and we can rip each other's clothes off. It occurred to me then that it has never been like that. We've only been together 10 months. Am I overanalyzing things? I am just feeling a little rejected. We only get to spend 2 weekends a month together, so it isn't like we get to do it alot. Sorry for rambling. Thanks for your input.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 9:25pm
Trust me , you do not want to ignore this!! The beginning of my relationship with my hubbie was great then it waned a little then we moved and I went aheand and married him anyways. Why, b/c I thought it was stress in our life, moving a few times , stressful jobs, etc. There should always be time for intimacy. I have been only married 8 months and even when we were engaged sex was few and far between. I guess that i just thought things would change. The thing is I deserve a husband in all ways and I don't know what i am going to do. I would try to definately tell him how you feel, it is not fair to you and a word of advice that ppl gavee me b4 i got married"Whatever problems you have now will only get worse when you do get married." I wish i would have taken heed. I love him but don't want to be unhappy the rest of my life. I feel it is confidence issues w/him but he should be true to me and work on that. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:02pm
I agree w/slick. Just go back into the archives and read what everyone here has been through, and is still going through. Don't get me wrong, we each love our SO's, but if asked, most of us would say if we knew then what we know now, we wouldn't have pursued the relationship.

On another note, your situation is a bit more sticky because both of you have kids, and I'm sure neither one of you want to put them through divorce twice, nor yourselves. I noticed you said "when we marry" this something you've discussed already? If it is, I'd add to that discussion the elements of a relationship that I'm not willing to live w/o, or settle for less on. It's extremely important to get all this out in the open now, before you take that huge step. Although my BF and I are not married, we'd been together for 4yrs, lived together for 2 before I realized what type of problem we had on our hands. You have the benefit of knowing about it only 10mos. into the relationship. Take action while it's still new enough for you to leave the realationship easily, if that's what it comes to. Good luck, I know it's not easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 2:50am
Hi - I agree completely with the other posters - you have to take this very seriously. I also wanted to comment on part of your post that no one has mentioned but that seems to me very signigficant:

"I have recently found out through a friend that his ex would call him gay in front of the kids and tell him he wasn't good enough sexually (comparing him to guys she was cheating with). Is he just wiped out and his confidence low?", I think you're missing the point here - its not "his wife insulted him sexually and so he has lost his confidence and is not very into sex..." its probably: "He wasn't very into sex with her either and so THAT's why she insulted him - she got so frustrated with the thing that she started making remarks in front of the kids." If the woman called her husband "gay" and had sex with other men, what that tells me is that she wasn't getting enough at home! This still holds true even if she is a mad bitch - all ex-wives are mad bitches but she DID live with the guy for a number of years and so probably knows SOMETHING about him.

The reason I bring this up is to point out that this makes the thing a longstanding problem - nothing to do with current stress or taking the kids to extracurricular activities. This is what your boyfriend is like and unless he makes a decision and takes action to be otherwise, this is what he is going to CONTINUE to be like.

That said, there's also some funny stuff going on here on your part - you used to be with a guy who wanted it all the time and you hated that, and now you're with a guy who doesn't want it much and you hate that too. What's THAT about?? What DO you want??!

it sounds like both of you may have rather mixed up ideas about how sex and intimacy fit in to a healthy relationship and that you both need to take some time to explore what you want it to mean in YOUR relationship. Don't be deflected by comments a bout stress and being too busy - point out that with three young kids life is likely to be busy for many years to come and that sex is PART of life, not something you take up when you've nothing better to do.

Good luck....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:38pm
I will add to the last post.....

My dh used to want it all the time....but for the last almost 2 yrs....he has had virtually no libido.

I have said nasty things to him out of total desperation to vent my frustration with him and have to agree that your fella's ex wife was most likely reacting to the low sex drive of the man.

I will bet my bottom dollar on it.

Also.....women DO tend to have a surge of sexual desire in their late 30s and 40s and dag nab it.....want sex!

I hope you and your guy can start communicating about this and figure out how do able the relationship is (a wonderful man who loves you sometimes is not enough)

Good wishes for you!

Edited 3/28/2003 2:40:16 PM ET by 1mari

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 2:26pm

I just wanted to let you know that I also agree with other posters. I have been married 14 yrs and my DH has never wanted sex more than once a week. If even that. We married when I was 18 and he 22....that should have been a time in our lives when we were going at it like rabbits. He worked long hours, sometimes 60 hrs a week at his job, then kids came (after years of struggling with infertility and lack of sex!). 2 kids and 14 yrs later, I practically beg him for sex. I have had numerous affairs(this is not an excues for my affairs). Last December I found out my DH had sex with 2 men. He claims he is bi......I have always wondered if he was gay because of his lack of sex drive, he always said no. I am not saying that your boyfriend is gay or bi. So now we are dealing with what he did and so when he turns me down I wonder if it's because he wanst a man. Now his bisexuality is a whole other issue. But, I do think you need to seriously consider if you can be married to someone who does not like sex as often as you. You may think love is all that matters, but it's not. You will come to resent him and possibly cheat on him later on down the road. Please have a heart to heart with him before you get serious about marrying him. If I had known that our sex lives would be like this(despite the bi thing) I would not have married him. Good luck!
Avatar for janegael
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 11:55am
Hi there,

My guess would be that he has some depression going on and that is a real libido killer. He combines it with exhaustion and the nagging suspicion that he is inadequate. It's easier to just put off sex until later...even when it's good sex.

I know what it's like to feel rejected because his libido is low. It's sad and it can destroy your relationship. My DH and I have had problems since we met 4 years ago and they have gotten only worse in the 8 months since our marriage. He's dealing with the depression, being slightly ill and tired all the time, haveing been rejected nastily for women and family training that sex is dirty and evil. Basically, you and I are in the same boat with a man who loves us but has less desire than we do.

Our solution is to talk about it. Openly and honestly and be okay with crying over the pain of the past rejections (mine and his) as well as the worry that we will lose each other if the lack of sex continues. We talked deeply about how he was hurt by the women he tried to date (he had not ever had a date when we met) and how his mother convinced him that sex was something that he would never want even if he could get a date. Feeling that this was beyond anything we could solve on our own, we agreed to go to counseling and are currently looking for a therapist.

We also bought a copy of The New Male Sexuality, Revised Edition by Bernie Zilbergeld and The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido By: Michele Weiner-Davis. We want to start understanding how things work and get a head start on making it better. I got oth books from Amazon and together they came to about $28.

Making love is very important to a relationship because it brings you closer together emotionally and physically. It's important to have sex and its even more important for you both to agree that you need to find a way to work it into your schedual. We are trying to do this because we know how important it is and it isn't always easy with the demands of family and job, but you have to agree to make some time. Once you get started take it slow and sweet and make it something you both look forward to.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.