my sex life sucks so bad i cry every night about it

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2010
my sex life sucks so bad i cry every night about it
133
Mon, 10-25-2010 - 1:10am

I am 24 years old. My man is 35. We have been together for a little over a year and lived together for about half that. For months and months now our sex life has died. I am just happy to get it when I get it, and I try to ignore the fact that I am lucky it lasted for 15 minutes. I am always the one initiating it, and when I complain that our sex life is nearly nonexistent, he gets very frustrated with me, saying I would not be happy if I got it ten times a week. Its not that I have an unquenchable thirst, I just love his body and I love him,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007

Lets see the facts :

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009

...is it an option to end the relationship?...if not, then ask for a compromise...since he brought up the number 10 (10 times a week) tell him that every other week, you want to have enthusiastic sex with him 5 times (even if that doesn't include intercourse as a man doesn't have the same "talent" of having intercourse when not in the mood typically)...then, evey other other week, you (as a couple) will have sex as much (or not) as he wants and you will enthusiastically support the number (even if it's zero) that he arrives at...and, then follow through...his willingness to participate...or even to entertain...a compromise will be your answer...then you'll have to decide if you can live the rest of your life within the current circumstances...keeping in mind that real life stresses like sick parents, children, mortgages, and bills will further lower his libido (probably)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

I gotta agree with the other poster, you need a different man if you want to ever be sexually satisfied.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006

Same thing I told the other young lady in her post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2010

It is not that he doesnt want to be in the relationship. We both have discussed how happy we are together, about how why would either of us go looking for something else when we get along so well ( i mean, insanely well, the ONLY thing we fight about is sex). we have discussed this (again)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2010

It is not that he doesnt want to be in the relationship. (he chased me for two years before i gave in and

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
He is who he is. It doesn't matter if you pressure him less. Some people turn inward when dealing with stress (your man) and some look outward for their comfort (you.) This makes you a bad match. I know you care about each other, but this will probably wind up making you both miserable before it's over.

Don't say nobody warned you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
please04 wrote:

We both have discussed how happy we are together, about how why would either of us go looking for something else when we get along so well ( i mean, insanely well, the ONLY thing we fight about is sex).

The issue is that you're both seeking different things in the relationship and apparently only he's getting what he's seeking. That would be an interesting topic to discuss with him.

...he is stressed out about work (he does work a lot in software/systems engineering) and stressed about other things....I said I can understand that, but wouldnt some people want to have sex to relieve that stress?

Some people, but apparently not him. Typically, low libido people don't relieve stress through sex. That's more typical of high libido people. If you want to be in a relationship with a man who has less and less sex as his stress level climbs, stay in this one. If not, you should probably leave this relationship.

...I have thought about "what if i left him", and i must say, i would be devestated.

Temporarily or permanently? If you found a new partner who had all the qualities of this man plus a libido and sexual temperament that were more compatible with yours, wouldn't that devastation be temporary and wouldn't you be more joyful in the long run?

I think that maybe if i stopped being so demanding about it, it might help him to want it more, he may look at it more like an act of love rather than just a duty to keep me happy, and therefore
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
>>>>> why would either of us go looking for something else when we get along so well ( i mean, insanely well, the ONLY thing we fight about is sex). <<<<<

I think you meant this question rhetorically. As if the answer was obviously "there is no valid reason to look elsewhere if everything is great except the sex". But I will answer it seriously and sincerely. As if you were asking "is a disagreement over sex enough to destroy a relationship where everything else is great"?

The answer is "yes, it is". Significant differences in libido is MORE than enough reason to break up an otherwise compatible relationship. Sex is one of the 2 most frequent reasons why married couples divorce (the other, not surprisingly, is money). With the divorce rate as high as it is, why would you continue a relationship where one of the Big Two is already an issue for you?

The early days of your relationship should be idyllic. You should not see any flaws in your partner. If you already see a problem in a major area, that is a HUGE RED FLAG that this is not the right person for you.

Remember Hold's 2 laws of mismatched libidos:

1. Do not get married while the mismatch exists. it isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do not have kids while the mismatch exists. It isn't fair to the kids.

This is not easy. Many people come here with your complaint. The ones who stay together generally continue to be unhappy. The ones who break up typically report later that they are much happier. Whether or not they had yet found someone else. You choice. But as Miranda said, you have been warned.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007

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