My young husband has no sex drive!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2012
My young husband has no sex drive!
29
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 11:50pm

 My husband and I are in our mid-twenties, we've been together 5 years and married for over 1.

I love sex, it's important to me and if it were up to me, we would have it every day! Unfortunately it's not so important to him. 4 out of 5 times I have to initiate it, and half the time he turns me down. I don't understand it, I am 25 years old, I'm very attractive, and I'm willing to try anything in bed!

We've discussed this issue a few times and he just sees sex as something dirty and pointless. He was raised in a very Christian household and was taught from day 1 that sex is wrong. He loves when I go down on him, but rarely returns the favor, and when he actually does, I get the sense that he just can't wait to get out of there. I could spend all night pleasuring him and he can't stand reciprocating for more than a minute. I'm very clean, I shower twice a day and I keep it smooth and clean down there... so I know that hygiene isn't the issue. 

Really, the only time we have sex is in the middle of the night once every few weeks. He will only initiate sex is in his sleep and he usually wakes up kissing me. It's like sleep-walking, but instead, it's sleep-sexing. This isn't satisfying for me because I know he's only doing it because he didn't know what he was doing. I feel so sad about this... I'd never have an affair, but honestly, I don't want a passionless, sexless marriage for the rest of my life! I'm in my prime, I'm very sexual, and I'm gorgeous. This isn't fair! 

I want to be spanked, tied up, taken, told what to do. Honestly, I wish my husband would ravage me, but for now I would settle for him touching me. It's very upsetting because I know I could so easily find someone to have sex with me, but I want him, I love him. 

Earlier this afternoon he confessed to me that he just doesn't have a high sex drive. So here I am, typing to strangers and looking for answers. 

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 4:35am

greytie wrote:
<p>Thank you, I used to be a member a long time ago and was fairly active across the message boards. I would come here when I had a problem with something, hoping that someone out there might have some advice for me. A lot of times, it worked! This problem is what led me back here... but after a few years of being away suddenly everyone is on the divorce bandwagon.</p><p>I'm a little disappointed that after a brief paragraph about my problem, everyone on this board advised me to run for the hills. I value the sanctity marriage, I honor my vows, and I keep the promises I made to my DH. Because that's what they are, promises. If I didn't intend on keeping my promise, I wouldn't have gotten married. If this were a casual relationship, sure, running for the hills is an option. In marriage, this is not acceptable. I am a firm believer that you have to work hard for a happy marriage. Does "for better or worse" not mean anything to you people? I came here for advice on how to nurture my situation, not to read the same thing, thread for thread. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. JEESH. </p><p>If anyone out there has some sound advice, please. I'd really like to read your thoughts. </p>

Not to be rude, but if you were / are so serious about promises, then you should make sure that before you make a promise, its something you accept whole heartedly. And, you are not being able to accpet the fact that this is your life now, for good or worse, sex life or not. marriage doesnt mean that you can change him or he should change for you. You have to accept him the waay he is . Now, the only choice you have is to live as it is, w/o complaining and keep it ' till death do us apart', ' you cant change him' , ' he is who he is' , most imprtant , dont make promises which you are not sure of and expect things to change miraculously.

OTOH, I also agree that you are doing a disservice to your husband . He is who he is and you knew it all the way. Instead of trying him to change into a sex-starved- slave of yours, how about you becoming a non-sexual person. Its easier to change oneself than someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2012
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 11:53pm

:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2012
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 11:51pm

Thank you, I used to be a member a long time ago and was fairly active across the message boards. I would come here when I had a problem with something, hoping that someone out there might have some advice for me. A lot of times, it worked! This problem is what led me back here... but after a few years of being away suddenly everyone is on the divorce bandwagon.

I'm a little disappointed that after a brief paragraph about my problem, everyone on this board advised me to run for the hills. I value the sanctity marriage, I honor my vows, and I keep the promises I made to my DH. Because that's what they are, promises. If I didn't intend on keeping my promise, I wouldn't have gotten married. If this were a casual relationship, sure, running for the hills is an option. In marriage, this is not acceptable. I am a firm believer that you have to work hard for a happy marriage. Does "for better or worse" not mean anything to you people? I came here for advice on how to nurture my situation, not to read the same thing, thread for thread. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. JEESH. 

If anyone out there has some sound advice, please. I'd really like to read your thoughts. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2012
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 11:37pm

After divulging one short paragraph about my situation, I think it is a little unfair that you tell me that I did my husband a disservice. It was not disservice. In fact, I've made him a very happy man. And a happy man he is, it's me who is struggling.

I just didn't realize how mismatched we were before the wedding. I'm not going to pretend I don't think about if I had the chance to do things differently, that maybe I would. I've entertained the thought, but I know that I would marry him all over again. I love this man, he is so good to me, he takes wonderful care of me, and tells me he loves me at least 10 times a day. I just don't love what's become of our sex life and of his sex drive. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 10:10pm

Welcome to the board. It used to be a very active and lively board, but these days it's very slow.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I don't see much hope for change in your situation: you're just too far apart. If he thinks sex is dirty, you could be the cleanest person on earth and his feelings won't change because they come from a visceral place that "reasonable" arguments can't touch. He will never provide you with the passion, enthusiasm, and abandon you seek. And you will never provide him with what he seeks, which is acceptance of the man he is now. He came out and told you he has a low sex drive. Our culture makes it very hard for men to say this, so I think those who do are telling the truth. Believe him.

I honestly think you would be doing both him and yourself a favour by parting ways before your lives become further enmeshed. I wish you luck and strength and I'm confident that better days await you if you honour who you are and who he is, and proceed accordingly.

JMHO  Freelance

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 3:35pm

  Look you have been married very young.  His conditioning will not go away.  Staying in this relationship is not in your best interest.  Leave now and do not"get" pregnant.  This is both a mismatched libid0 and a cultural anti-sex teachings.  Just leave and not look back.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 1:08pm

I am wondering if you ever talked about this before marriage.  If he is very conservative christian, did he wait until you were married to have sex?  Did you not ever have any discussions about what kidn of sex life you wanted?  Unfortunately you both are at real extremes--it might be different if you were a couple where you wanted to have sex every day and he was ok with 1-2 times a week and you compromised at maybe every other day, but it's not even just the frequency that it out of whack.  You are willing to do extreme things and he thinks sex is dirty--I don't know how you can reconcile that.  By the way, what he thinks really isn't in accord with Christian teaching.  I don't know what kind of denomination he is in, but maybe he could try discussing something w/ the pastor, esp. if the pastor is married.  Christianity teaches that sex outside of marriage is wrong, but it certainly doesn't teach that sex between married couples is dirty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 11:43am

Odds are that you will be like you are for many decades and he will be like he is for many decades. I think that you did your husband a disservice by marrying him instead of allowing him to marry someone like himself.

May I ask what inspired you to marry into this mismatch?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2012
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 1:11am

Wow, tough situation.  Sorry if I come on too strong, but I  think about someone like you many times a every day.  Your dedication to your husband is totally respectful and I wish you the best.  I just wish life and relationships were not so complicated.

Pages