My young husband has no sex drive!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2012
My young husband has no sex drive!
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 11:50pm

 My husband and I are in our mid-twenties, we've been together 5 years and married for over 1.

I love sex, it's important to me and if it were up to me, we would have it every day! Unfortunately it's not so important to him. 4 out of 5 times I have to initiate it, and half the time he turns me down. I don't understand it, I am 25 years old, I'm very attractive, and I'm willing to try anything in bed!

We've discussed this issue a few times and he just sees sex as something dirty and pointless. He was raised in a very Christian household and was taught from day 1 that sex is wrong. He loves when I go down on him, but rarely returns the favor, and when he actually does, I get the sense that he just can't wait to get out of there. I could spend all night pleasuring him and he can't stand reciprocating for more than a minute. I'm very clean, I shower twice a day and I keep it smooth and clean down there... so I know that hygiene isn't the issue. 

Really, the only time we have sex is in the middle of the night once every few weeks. He will only initiate sex is in his sleep and he usually wakes up kissing me. It's like sleep-walking, but instead, it's sleep-sexing. This isn't satisfying for me because I know he's only doing it because he didn't know what he was doing. I feel so sad about this... I'd never have an affair, but honestly, I don't want a passionless, sexless marriage for the rest of my life! I'm in my prime, I'm very sexual, and I'm gorgeous. This isn't fair! 

I want to be spanked, tied up, taken, told what to do. Honestly, I wish my husband would ravage me, but for now I would settle for him touching me. It's very upsetting because I know I could so easily find someone to have sex with me, but I want him, I love him. 

Earlier this afternoon he confessed to me that he just doesn't have a high sex drive. So here I am, typing to strangers and looking for answers. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2013
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 1:35am

HI, I know this is kind of old. I hope you get this.

I do not think you should run for the hills. I think that love can overcome a lot of things. My husband and I have had a difficult first year of marraige sexually. But, I would rather be with him than anyone else on the planet. My husband found out he has Celiac Disease which alters the immune system. I feel like this has had a lot to do with our situation. When we were dating (we were saving ourselves for marraige) we had so much passion for each other. Now, there seems to be something stopping him. I think it has to do with his health issues. He has a hard time getting an erection and will sometimes stop me from initiating anything. I have been offended and hurt multiple times, but I know he is trying.

The first thing I would try is to alter his thinking toward sex. Sex is something beautiful and amazing, and if he still believes in the Christian characteristics, then let him know that God created sex to bring two souls closer together. Read Song of Solomon and the poetry of how much Solomon loved and was attracted to his wife. Sex is not just about carnal pleasure, but about two souls becoming one. Even if there were other sexual partners, it should be about bonding just as much as pleasure. I feel like if you focus on these things, the few times you have sex can be wonderful, and the amount can increase. I had to tell my husband multiple times that I wanted him to look me in the eye and connect with me instead of looking down and making sure everything is working right. Once you have that connection, the frequency should increase.

Long story short, get him checked for vitamin/mineral deficencies, especially zinc. (This can be due to something like Celiac Disease or diet or other reasons.) Work on the mental aspects of sex; don't just tell him, but let him discover that sex is something satisfying to the soul. Figure out what turns HIM on, maybe you just have opposite things that turn you on. You say you want to be spanked and tied up, but maybe he needs a slow massage or something relaxing. I have found that men often internalize their stress more than women (they don't talk to their guy friends like we talk to our girlfriends.) If my hubby is super stressed, there is no way he is getting in the mood. But if I give him a nice, slow massage, it not only releases his stress but turns him on. You cannot control him, you can only control yourself. So if you can find ways that relieve stress/turn your hubby on, you should do more of that since that's all you can control.

Hope this helps at all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 11:01am


It does sound like a bait and switch kind of thing.. I was reading about that on Dr.Phil website.. I had that with my 2H.. He was great when we were dating and then when we married and got into year 2 of our marriage his true self came out.. Abusive and controlling.. So its called a bait and switch .. Although you say things were good and sex was good for awhile there must have been red flags although tiny they were still there.. I saw maybe one tiny red flag with my ex that I ignored...  Maybe you just wished away the red flags and knew it would come to this but not this severe.

Good Luck Again

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 4:06am

   Well Grey you will have a lot of problems.  He is having sex when the pressure builds.  his values have reverted to his conditioning.  Why continue in your own person hell is to me illogical.  love is not denying yourself, you own being.  I suggest a sex therapist.  The reprogramming is not easy if at all possible. This marriage was based in part on mistaken information. 

  "He started feeling guilty about not saving himself for marriage."

  " he refers to it as "just banging".

   Your own belief system need some work.  Just do not allow yourself to get pregnant.  This is the time to think about the life ahead.



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Tue, 12-25-2012 - 5:57pm

It would be a good idea to have open communication about what you two want in your marriage as far as your sex life. You did make a promise, but when you made the promise to love and stay married, did you have the faintest idea of how you would end up not having the sex you want?

Might be a tough thing to say, but with a promise, kinda like a contract, many things are implied - and in marriages that usually means sex. So if you can't work it out with conversation or therapy - You have to decide if the "implied" promise was broken and/or if you are willing to stay in a marriage with someone you love, but will be sexually unfulfilled.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sun, 12-23-2012 - 4:15pm

One other thing I forgot to say: For me, the biggest frustration and dissapointment has been my wife's lack of will to cooperate in finding a mutually-satisfactory solution to the problem. I believe the reason she is unwilling is that finding a solution "costs" her something (time, privacy, personal space, whatever), while complacency costs her nothing. If I had told her during the first 3 months of marriage that her full cooperation was so essential to the purpose of our marriage that I would file for divorce if it was not forthcoming, I believe we may have been closer to an actual solution now. Instead, she has done nothing significant for 27 years and we have made no progress. So, while I have shared your commitment to remaining married, I believe my commitment has damaged our chances for an amicable resolution. As a result, divorce now appears to be the only option left for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sun, 12-23-2012 - 4:05pm

I echo many of the comments you've received so far. I'll share my story, too: my wife and I were both raised in conservative Christian homes and in the same religious tradition; however, we appear to have adopted different points of view about sexuality. She seems to have internalized the idea that sex is shameful while I internalized the idea that sex is a sacred expression of love between married people. I believe this is both a cause of our ML and caused by her naturally lower |ibido and my naturally higher |ibido, which affected the messages we chose to internalize.

In my experience, talk is cheap and frustrating. Talking to him about the problem and having other people talk to him about the problem (doctors, therapists, ministers, whoever) will not change his |ibido nor will it change yours. Even if he consents to sex on a schedule and of a type that it satisfactory for you, you will still be frustrated by his lack of natural desire for you and he will still be frustrated by your emotional and sexual dependence on him. (Again, I say all of this based on my experiences of 25+ years of marriage.)

I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2012
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 7:46pm
Thank you Glenn. Is is possible that he might be have lower testosterone or that stress effects libibd0? I just don't know where all of this is stemmed from. He had a whole hell of a lot more sex in the beginning years of our relationship so he's definitely not a conservative Christian, but was raised that way. Whatever psychological issues he has with sex I assume are there after the years of being told how wrong it is. He told me that as a teenager he snapped, got mad at his parents, went out to lose his virginity intentionally just to piss them off. So he used it as a way to lash out against them, to show them that he can do whatever he wants. That struck me as odd, because to me sex is amazing and beautiful and a powerful way to connect with another person. He's never felt that way about it, he refers to it as "just banging". I should have known when he told me that, that we would never see eye to eye on this. It's when we went to premarital counseling when things just stopped. He started feeling guilty about not saving himself for marriage. It never made sense to me, I don't buy it. So naturally, this disappointed me. After the wedding, we had sex on our honeymoon and that was it for 2 weeks. -.- That's the ratio now, maybe once every 2 weeks. Yeah I'm seriously conflicted. Thanks for your time and feedback everyone, I really appreciate that so many people took time out of their day to respond to my issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 6:52pm

dup post

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 12:05pm

<< What your H is doing is eliciting sympathy from you by placing the 'blame' outside of himself, to avoid you attempting to put the 'blame' on him when in fact, no one is to blame... it just is. >>

ITA with this. Being raised in an ultra-conservative religious environment has never stopped people with naturally high libidos from needing, wanting, and pursuing sex (when legally available to them). F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 11:27am

This is very unusual to me that he would have no reservations about having premarital sex but when you got married, then his interest waned--that's when he should not feel guilty or shameful about having sex.  Glenn makes some interesting points.  I do think if you're determined to stay married, then marriage counseling is essential.  Maybe you could do some investigation & find a Christian therapist or pastor who could explain that married sex isn't anti-Christian.  I was raised Catholic and the Catholic church is only anti-birth control so  you could be doing it all the time as long as you don't use b.c. (and are married).  Why do you think there were so many Catholic families with lots of kids in the old days?  And how about the Duggars?  (that TV family with 19 kids)--they are ultra conservative Christians and make no secret of the fact that they still desire each other sexually which is obvious since they are always popping out kids.