Need Advice Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2011
Need Advice Please
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 7:40pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 8:04pm

1. I think it is very normal for you to feel this way.

2. I really admire you for having made this offer to your husband (though I'm sure some will disagree). I've always maintained that I would do the same thing if I were with a guy who wanted/needed a lot of sex and I wasn't willing or able to provide it.

3. If he has sex outside the marriage with your blessing, it isn't "cheating."

4. Of course there's a risk that some of his emotions will be diverted to the other woman. On the other hand, the risk of him having no means of satisfactory sexual expression is greater still.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 8:20pm


I have to tell you that your courage, generosity and love have brought tears to my eyes. If you honestly, calmly, bravely and lovingly tell your husband of your most recent feelings, it might open up a whole new channel of communication and love. It might help him communicate his feelings, help him slow down a little and help you trust him more. It might also open up the door to find a way to make sure this event seals the bonds tighter between the two of you instead of tearing you apart. I think you'll find a way.

Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 9:47pm
I think this panic you feel would be very normal for someone in your situation. What was his reaction to this? Was he excited, sad to go outside the marriage, etc?

Have you two discussed "rules" yet? Like are you going to want to know each time he does it, and with whom, and how often? Are hookers out of the question?

I haven't been in the situation before, but it would require at least a very open honest dialog about how this will actually work, and you both have to be willing to modify the rules if a rule doesn't sit well with you after it happens. Since it's all new uncharted waters, you get to modify things as you go I would assume.

Has he said that sex is his greatest joy and pleasure in life or is that the assumption? Even if it's not with the woman he loves?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 5:45am

Hopefully Miranda will chip in, as someone who has negotiated an open arrangement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 8:33am
You have put yourself in a miserable place but a very brave one !

I agree, its not cheating if you have asked him to go out of marriage and satisfy himself. Its an arrangement and a chosen lifestyle whose consequences can be hurtful if not managed .

Yes, make rules NOW as in the absence of them, its gonna go haywire.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 10:19am

Thanks so much for stopping by. I agree with everything Freelancemomma said. I think there is more to say though. I've lived in the kind of arrangement you are beginning. It isn't easy. What you are going through is very very normal and natural, and can happen even with very experienced non-monogamous folks. When you get scared, there's a reason. The thing to do is to TALK about it. The best thing you can do is talk talk talk talk to your partner. All the way through this experience. Don't guilt him, or manipulate him. Make sure he knows you WANT for him to have these opportunities, but that you are afraid. As you go forward, and time passes things will get easier. I am to the point now where I look forward to my DH's "dates." They provide me with much needed alone time, they help me feel less guilty for not being able to give him all the sexual adventures he wants to have, they make him a more relaxed, open and giving partner to ME, and it also gives some other woman something that she needs. Everyone wins! It took me years to get here, though. And if you are having other problems in your relationship, it is NOT a good idea to go forward with non-monogamy, until those other areas are dealt with. If relationship problems come up, either DH or I take outside sex off the table until we are at a better place. He has over the years made me feel secure in the fact that I am his number one priority and that our relationship comes first. He has been clear and consistent in his message to the other women, that he is NOT going to leave me, and that any attempts in that direction will end their relationship. He has actually done that, cut off a very attractive sex partner for trying to come between us, so I know he's sincere. I never doubt his love now, although at the beginning I needed a LOT of reassurance. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need.

Additionally I would like to recommend a book for you and your husband to read. It is called "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt. I think the book will help you avoid some of the pitfalls that can come from these types of relationships, and give you and your DH things to think and talk about. Remember you cannot talk too much! You just cannot over communicate when it comes to this, you've got to be totally up front and honest about everything from both sides or it won't work.

I hope this helps, and I wish you much luck and love on this journey. You're obviously a loving and giving woman who deserves all the happiness you can get in this life, and I believe you can have it, if you can ride out a little discomfort along the way.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 10:20am
I agree with all the posters that the OP and her H need ground rules.

I also agree with mol that it sounds like the OP and her H may not have explored all the ways to satisfy him sexually other than piv sex. maybe they did, and she just didn't write about it. But before they open their marriage, if they haven't explored already, I would spend several months exploring manual, oral, toys, and every other way 2 consenting adults can have sex to make sure there isn't any way for her to satisfy him without involving another person.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 10:39am

I don't know what physical constraints you have, normally you still be able to respond physically, but it sounds like this is a mental response (possibly a result of grieving for the effects of the illnes).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2002
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 6:55pm
Have you seen the movie, The Freebie ? I'd recommend you both sit down and watch that before doing anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 7:01am too...I have to wonder if she is "game" to enthusiastically engage in his sexual satisfaction...I mean, I understand if he has said "no, if you aren't horny, I don't want you" there is little she can do...if her ability to use her hands and lips along with her genitles have been lost, then I can see that she is left with little else but to 1) ask him to give up partnered sex or 2) agree that he seek partnered sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage...I absolutley think I would be just as hesitant and scared as she husband connects sex and would be next to impossible for him to not fall in love with (the romantic, fluttery love kind of love) with someone that he became sexually involved with and that would effect his romantic, fluttery kind of love that he feels for me...what a hard place to be in...hopefully, there is something the two of them can still do as a couple to work toward his partnered sexual satisfaction together...but, if not..hopefully she will come to a place of peace about the situation...