need advice please...not sure where to go from here

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2011
need advice please...not sure where to go from here
9
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 10:20pm

I have been with my bf for 3 years. We connected sexually from the beginning. We had frequent, adventurous sex. It was different (better) than anything I had ever experienced before. It seemed very mutual and we were happy there and in the rest of the relationship also. About a year or so ago his interest in sex dramatically decreased. The interest in being adventurous decreased as well as frequency. This hurt and I felt like he lost desire in me. I tried talking to him. Initially he denied a problem or any decrease, then he said it was due to stress. As it continued I got more and more frustrated and kept bringing it up from time to time. He finally told me he has always had a low libido and the adventure and frequency for the first year and a half was really stressful for him and he just did it to make me happy. This has hit me really hard. First of all I feel like he was dishonest with me about a big part of himself and who he was. One of the things I fell in love with was our chemistry and it turns out that wasn't really there. The other thing is I have been trying to talk to him about this for a year or more and have told him repeatedly that the change in our sex life hurt me because I felt like his desire for me was gone but he waited until just now to tell me the truth. I feel like he just let me hurt for a year because he was afraid of telling me the truth. I can handle less frequent sex but the dishonesty of it all is really hitting me hard. I know he isn't cheating on me and he's a really good guy overall. I love him but am thinking of leaving him over this. Am I overreacting? Has anyone been through this or do you have any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007

This kind of thing seems to occur fairly frequently. Some people call it NRE (new relationship excitement or new relationship energy). Many people say it lasts anywhere from three months to three years. Only after NRE wears off can people experience their true level of libido and desire for each other.

To the extent that what you are witnessing now is his "base" libido level, it's not about you. It's really hard to tell, though, the difference between a base libido level and a situational libido level (the level of drive or desire a person feels in a specific relationship with a specific person, which could be significantly lower if they're not into that person).

Many times the person with the lower libido doesn't experience the drop in desire on a conscious level, so they have no conscious explanation for it. When pressed for a reason, they can only search for answers, so your boyfriend's response actually seems quite honest to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009

..what kind of compromise have you talked about?...is he willing to work with you in satisfying your need for sexual release (even if intercourse is not always in the cards)?...do you feel that you need his sexual desire for you in order to feel fulfilled?...lots of road blocks here to conintuing this relationship...the first period of a relationship is meant as a foundation building time...if you feel a chasm of any sort now, just imagie what it will feel like if the relationship goes long term and children or sickness or economic issues are added in...???...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2011
We could possibly compromise but I'm having a hard time getting past feelibg deceived and feeling like he didn't enjoy the first half of our relationship like I thought he did. I'm struggling to get past that and can't figure out if I'm making a bigger deal out of it than I should be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009

...well, I maintain that you probably shouldn't put a whole lot more effort into this relationship if you aren't anchored by mortgages or children yet...but, if you are, I'd ask if you told him about everything that bothered you from the beginning?...or, did you overlook it?...for example...my husband will not push a chair back under that table to save his life (he may not even push it back to save mine...)...yet, when we were dating or first married, I didn't comment on it...as

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2011
we live together. in the beginning we always talked openly about sex and likes/dislikes (or so I thought). I have been talking to him off and on since tge decrease trying to figure out what happened. So I think I have tried to communicate with him. It has just taken him a year to finally say he has always had a low libido and really isn't interested in changing our current habits. In his defense he says he did what he did for so long to make me happy. But it's still hard for me to understand how he could seem to enjoy it so much and now have zero interest in it. I'm not talking anything crazy - but our routine is predictable and monotonous. I just want a different day of the week, different room of the house, or to sometimes talk about fantasies or desires. He doesn't seem interested. So it's just a mixture of things. Maybe you're right and there wasn't intentional deception but it still feels bad.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
I have given the following advice in the past, and I think it applies to you as well:

If I were you, I would thank your boyfriend profusely. Thank him for being honest with you about his attitude toward sex. Thank him for for the time you spent together. Thank him for helping you discover the variety of human experience. Then leave.

Do not complain. Do not whine and moan. Do not beg him to change for you. Smile and thank him for what has been a great experience. Thank him for helping you to learn more about yourself and more about what you want in a relationship. Then thank him for understanding that you guys aren't right for each other and wish him well in finding someone more compatible with him. Because truth be told dearie, you aren't any better a match for him than he is for you. Nagging him for sex and complaining that he isn't satisfying you probably bothers him as much as the lack of sex bothers you.

After all, isn't this what dating is for? To find out what kind of relationship you want? Ending a relationship is not a failure. It is like trying new foods. Sometimes you like them. Sometimes you don't. I tell my kids all the time when trying a new food that if it tastes bad to you it isn't a failure. You have successfully experimented and discovered something new about yourself.

Same with dating. You try different guys to find out what you like and don't like about men. Eventually you find one that you like enough to stay with. But the ones you break up with aren't failures. They are successful relationships that you learned from.

Add this one to that list and move on. It is best for both of you.

When you see it coming, duck!

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
>>>>> Maybe you're right and there wasn't intentional deception but it still feels bad. <<<<<

I am sure it feels bad now. It is going to feel even worse 1 or 2 years from now. Even worse than that 5 years from now if you are married and have kids together and are still unable to resolve your mismatch.

I know it hurts now. And it will hurt more to break up with him. But not as much as it will hurt to stay. And if you leave, eventually you will find someone wonderful with whom you don't have a mismatch. And THAT is what will eventually feel great.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
<< He finally told me he has always had a low libido and the adventure and frequency for the first year and a half was really stressful for him and he just did it to make me happy. >>

He would not say something like this unless it were 100% true, so consider that statement to be your starting point. Did he mislead you the first year and a half? It could be argued either way (dishonest for not revealing his true self, commendable for stretching himself beyond his comfort zone).

The more important question you need to answer is: Can you live with a guy who doesn't feel real desire for you and for sex with you? From the little you've written it sounds as though the two of you would be better apart -- because you're too far apart in your sexual needs.

JMHO Freelance
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
nice to see you flm

When you see it coming, duck!