new here - feel so un'wanted'

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2012
new here - feel so un'wanted'
67
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 1:42pm

Hi - I am new here to post although have been lurking I must admit.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 2:06pm

Have you told him what you want?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2012
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 2:32pm

Thank you magnaniman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 3:21pm

It could be disputable but if a H/W loves the other as the other perceives it ( I am sure he loves me , I am confident about it, we are great friends, get along great etc. ) then wouldnt they make an effort to please you ? It doesnt have to be IC all the time but foreplay or handjob or anything to make the other ' feel wanted '.

I remember reading a post here long ago ( will try and dig up ) where a woman was content with her sexual life even though she was HL , didnt have enough sex with H because he made her feel wanted sexually anyway. He realized that she wanted more while he didnt and vice versa but he appreciated her body in such a way that she was happy .It was on one of the sex boards but with the new format, its difficult to find.She wanted to know if their situation was normal ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 4:00pm
Short answer here Hessick is "not necessarily, no" I am a LL woman with a HL man. He wants sexual interaction and satisfaction daily. He needs validation that he's desired and loved constantly. There is no amount of giving to him that will satisfy this need, imo. So I stopped trying. I give what I can comfortably give. I do my best to say "yes" to his initiation attempts on a regular basis. I hug him daily, and show my love for him as well as I can. Ultimately the only person who can "make" you feel loveable and worthy is you. I used to turn myself inside out over this. The only thing it led to is me feeling pressured, broken, guilty and wrong. I have developed such a complex about it that I have no ability to enjoy sex at all anymore. And somehow we've found ourselves in the land of "good enough." We're getting married after 16+ years together. We're no longer miserable and fighting constantly about sex. Is either of us happy with the sex life we have? No, but it's not ALL we are. It's not the basis for our lives together, nor should it be, because look what happens when that's all you have to rely on. It is very flip to advise, well can't the LL just give the HL what they want? Of course they can't otherwise there wouldn't be a problem, would there?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 4:09pm

To want to feel desired by the partner ' all the time' , like you said , in itself will be a turn off !

If an agreement is reached , in which both partners are content , if not happy, it wouldnt be such a problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 4:27pm

I was once told by my DH that he did not want to give oral because my belly was in the way

This speaks volumes to me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 4:27pm

Why would that be a turn off? I would thing that knowing someone wnats and desires you all the time wouold be a compliment.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 5:34pm
I agree. We see this situation frequently. The LL does not find their partner physically attractive. They decided to themselves "I do not like the hot ones. The hot ones are often obnoxious. I would rather be with someone who has an attractive heart / mind / soul than a hot body. I would gladly trade the hot sex for the warm glow of companionship." Trouble is, somehow the LL never got around to telling the HL about this "deal" until after the wedding.

By the time the HL realizes what is going on inside the LL's mind (which often takes a while to uncover since the typical LL is not going to admit it openly), the couple has lives that are deeply intertwined and the HL is reluctant to leave. At this point pain is unavoidable.

Now that we are deep into middle age, my wife and I are seeing many couples break up after decades together, with kids, etc.. So many announce "I can't believe he or she is leaving me over _____". Believe it. Not everyone is willing to be the one you settled for.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 7:38pm

I hear "I try" all the time and I don't understand what is to "try".

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 8:32pm
It seems effortless when motivated by the fuel of new relationship energy. One's true libido doesn't emerge until that wears off. Then it does become a matter of trying for those that are dependent on NRE to keep their sexual engines revving.

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