New here -- I have a question for the LLs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2011
New here -- I have a question for the LLs
29
Thu, 07-28-2011 - 8:03pm

I'm an HL and I have a friend who is also HL, so we are trying to figure this out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 07-28-2011 - 11:23pm

Hi there,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 4:53am

I'm HL, and have sought the understanding you're looking for (and to the extent I can, achieved it) - congratulations in doing so because

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 10:03am
mol42 wrote:

Equally, the HL needs to be flexible, compromise some on the frequency, accept different times and places and nature of encounter, and most of all - do not demand passion where that isn't there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 10:08am

Agree MST, which is why I said a compromise - even with willing and generosity -

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 11:31am
I have always liked the nostril licking analogy. Hits all the right notes. Not painful, but can see how it would be only mildly uncomfortable as a physical matter but very annoying as an emotional / psychological matter. Just like sex is for some LLs.

And permits many HLs to have the "ewww, why would my partner want to do THAT" reaction common to many LLs.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 12:38pm

I don't find it difficult to accomodate my DH sexually, but then again he does not require anything but my active participation with as much enthusasim as I feel in that moment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 1:51pm
espn,

You are operating under some misconceptions. for some of us, it is NOT just 1/2 hour a few times a week. In my case, an encounter that takes less than an hour is rare, and it's every day that he wants it.

Then there are LLs who have aversion issues, past sexual trauma and even relationship problems...

The reasons for not being able to accomodate the HL are as varied as people are. And as far as being resentful, well, you have choices. If you are making a choice to stay in the relationship, in spite of not being totally fulfilled, then the resentment really shouldn't be on your partner, should it?

For instance, say you don't really like to garden, and your partner insists that in order to have a relationship you MUST garden. You must spend an hour every day, without fail, in the garden working. And you cannot act as if you don't like it, and you cannot be begrudging about it, because that would hurt their feelings. How long will it be before you start to feel resentful? Don't think that only the HLs feel resentful, it's a two way street. And don't say "oh, I am sure I would learn to like gardening"....cause that just ain't the way it works!
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 5:14pm
Why do some people like chocolate and others prefer strawberry? There isn't always a rational reason for people to feel the way they feel. They feel how they feel, and that is all there is to it.

Be careful about the need to understand "why". Often we find that someone wants to know "why" so they can fix the "why" and make the feeling go away. there isn't always a why. And even if there is a why, that does not mean there is necessarily a way to fix it or make the feeling go away.

As to the question of damage or harm, it can be very real. The psychological pressure to make one's body available to someone else can be devastating.

Suppose you were very tickish, and sometimes when you got tickled, you lost control of your bladder and peed on yourself. Suppose your partner wanted to tickle you every day. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't cause physical damage. But it risks you losing control and wetting yourself. Which makes you feel very ashamed. You don't like to feel ashamed, so you would prefer that tickling only be a rare "treat" for your partner, and not be an every day occurrence. Can you see how you might start to resent your partner for wanting to tickle you every day?

We can spend years arguing over why your bf doesn't enjoy sex or feels ashamed when he does or feels overly controlled or violated when he gives in and has sex with you when he wasn't in the mood. But even if we figure out why, he might continue to feel that way forever.

The issue is not why he feels that way. or why he cannot feel comfortable having sex every time you wnt to. The quesiton is how often he can feel comfortable having sex with you, and whether you can feel comfortable only having sex that often. Good luck exploring those issues.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2011
Tue, 08-02-2011 - 11:12am
Thanks to all for your thoughtful responses! The nostril-licking analogy was very helpful and shed light on the issue for me. My bf is not really too ll and o think we are close enough in libido match that we are both comfortable enough with things and we are both willing to compromise plus in every other way we get along very well. We have actually been together for about 18 years, so this is also due to the NRE wearing off. I do sometimes long for that NR excitement again. I'll try to read and write more when I get to my computer as the iPhone makes it difficult to do both very well. Thank you again to everybody!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 08-02-2011 - 12:22pm

You're welcome, and I think you're probably doing pretty well if your NRE is only just wearing off after 18 years!

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