New here & in need of Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2012
New here & in need of Help
16
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 4:13am
Hi Everyone
I am new here and in desperate need of some advice. I'll start with my background. I'm 30 years old my H is 38. We have been together for almost 10 years. We have 3 kids 7 years old twins and a 5 month old. I am a stay @ home mom while H works. I love my H and we have a pretty good relationship. He truly is my best friend. But we have one Major problem. Mismatched libidos. I am what I consider mild libido :) and he is very low libido. It is such a huge gap that I am seriously contemplating divorce. My friends that I have spoken to about this tell me I am selfish for wanting to break up my family over "sex". But I don't think they understand it's not just the sex it's the lack of intimacy and feelings of abandonment. H can go months without even touching me. For years I thought he didn't want me and was only here because of our family but 6 months ago we found out he has low testosterone. Which helped me better understand what was going on. There are things H can do to increase his testosterone but has yet to try any of them. So this leads me to think he doesn't really care about this situation. I don't feel as though I'm asking for a lot. Once a week would be fine and I fully understand the demands our lives have on us so I could even go a few weeks. But months? Really? We have been dealing with this for most of our relationship and I almost feel cheated in some ways. And I feel if I continue with the marriage I will resent him later on and have feelings of wasting time when I could have been with someone that could give me what I need. I'm also having a hard time with him watching porn. I know he does it a few times a week so if he can do that why isn't he into me? So does he really have a LL if he's watching porn so much? And does his testosterone have anything to do with us being intimate if it doesnt interfer with masturbating? I've caught him a few times and i feel like my heart is shattered each time I do. Am I being unreasonable or selfish? I could really use some advice from anyone who has been down this road. Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 10:06am

My friends that I have spoken to about this tell me I am selfish for wanting to break up my family over "sex". But I don't think they understand it's not just the sex it's the lack of intimacy and feelings of abandonment. H can go months without even touching me.

I best line I ever heard is "Sex is like air, it's not a big deal, until you are the one that is not getting any!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2011
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 10:36am
From me, 2 options if you choose to stay :

1. Suck it up

2. Get a lover

Sorry, those are the only 2 options if your H will not do what he needs to do.You cant make him do , hes an adult.

My H is a lousy lover , I chose to stay but got a lover. Happy ever after.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 10:57am
>>My H is a lousy lover , I chose to stay but got a lover. Happy ever after.<< NOT ever after, because there's a good chance, that sooner or later someone is going to find out about your affair. Not so happy then, or at least not for him. Maybe you don't care if he gets hurt, I don't know. There's an option #3. Get your partner's CONSENT to sleep with someone else. This way you don't have lies at every turn degrading your integrity and eroding your respect for yourself and your marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 10:57am

I know you said its always been this way, but has it gotten worse since you had the baby? At only 5 months, are you still feeling post partum blues, or is it more?

I read on one of thee boards, that treating low testerone doesn;t increase libido - at least I tihnk I read that.

Honestly, after all that time together, he really isn't going to change, so your choices are to either make it work and accept him as he is, or move on.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 3:39pm

No you are not unreasonable.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2012
Fri, 03-02-2012 - 1:54am
@71Bri: Sex like air is funny yet soooo true. I never thought I would deal with an issue like this. I seriously never thought a guy would have a LL. All my guy friends love sex they talk about it, they joke about it an they do it so I had no idea it could be like this. A lot of people don't understand how frustrating it can be to deal with this. Does ur wife shy away from physical contact always or is it just certain times? Do spouses think a lifetime with little to no intimacy ok? I have wondered about any issues my H may have with me and I have asked repeatedly. His answer is always the same I don't have a problem with you, I love you and your crazy we have sex even if it's only twice a year that should be enough when you love someone. Should it be enough? Should I not complain because of all the other great things he does?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2012
Fri, 03-02-2012 - 1:58am
@inlovewith: I half agree with your options. Yes sucking it up is definitely one but An affair is not for me. I respect and love my H I couldn't do that. I also stand by the vows I took in marrying him. I'm glad you have found a solution to your unhappiness at home. It's just not the right solution for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2012
Fri, 03-02-2012 - 2:06am
@deedle7544: this started when I got pregnant with my twins. He would not touch me at all he said it grossed him out. Nice huh? As far as the post partum goes I feel great. I'm very happy with the other parts of my life it's just the lack of intimacy that brings me down. I am very independent so I think it becomes harder for me to have to depend on him for intimacy and get rejected so much. I've tried to explain to him that love, sex, intimacy is a big part of a relationship for Me. Other people may not need this but I do. It's like if I didn't like football he would find a buddy to go with. But I can't have a "buddy" to fulfill my intimacy needs. So I feel all alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2012
Fri, 03-02-2012 - 2:09am
@xxxs: it's funny you brought up roommates because that's exactly what I refer To us as. We're friends, we're roommates but were definitely not lovers. And your absolutely right life is to short to be passionless. I hope I can find the strength to make the right move for me one way or the other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Fri, 03-02-2012 - 9:28am

I'm sorry you have to go thru this. I hope you and your H can work it out and keep your family together. I couldn't, but I got divorced for a lot more reasons. So I can't give any advice on how to live with it, or make it work.

I can say, if you do decide to leave, there are lessons learned from what doesn't work and it makes you way more selective and aware the next time.

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