New here. Porn/No Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2013
New here. Porn/No Sex
9
Fri, 05-10-2013 - 1:52pm

My husband and I have been married fifteen years. I'm 38 and he's 47 and we have 10 year old and 4 month old boys. My husband is a wonderful father and on the most part is a wonderful husband and I love him very much....except for the fact that I have found porn on my computer this past December and I confronted him on it.We talked about it and I told him that it makes me feel highly insecure about myself, especially being pregnant at the time.My doctor told me no intercourse during my pregnancy. But that did not mean that we couldn't do 'other things" to satisfy each other.I was ttotally up for sex despite being pregnant, and I told my husband that. But, it obviously did not resonate with him. Flash forward 2 days before Valentines day. I found porn on his phone like redtube,pornhub and other sites. I confronted him once again and he denied looking that up and said he did not know how it got there(classic answer, right)? Once again, I told him how it made me feel and he swore up and down that he did not look that up. We did wind up having sex, but only once since after I had confronted him the second time. I continued to snoop through his phone for porn and noticed he had not looked any up. We are now into May and still no sex after about 2 months. Because of this pattern with no sex, I decided to snoop through his phone about a week ago,( I know it's bad, but I have to get down to the bottom of this). Sure enough there it is. Porn. I saw he had done a search on google for it, because he mispelled some words. So now i know he had lied to me the first time i found it on his phone. I have not confronted him yet this time around. I feel sad, angry and very cheated about it. Especially for the fact that he doesn't even touch me let alone have sex. I'm tired of making the first move.It has been this way for a few years now as far as initiation goes. Most men complain that their wives don't want to have sex with them and he's completely taking me for granite. Help! I need advice. 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 05-10-2013 - 8:43pm

lunashifter wrote:
<p>My husband and I have been married fifteen years. I'm 38 and he's 47 and we have 10 year old and 4 month old boys. My husband is a wonderful father and on the most part is a wonderful husband and I love him very much....except for the fact that I have found porn on my computer this past December and I confronted him on it.We talked about it and I told him that it makes me feel highly insecure about myself, especially being pregnant at the time.My doctor told me no intercourse during my pregnancy. But that did not mean that we couldn't do 'other things" to satisfy each other.I was ttotally up for sex despite being pregnant, and I told my husband that. But, it obviously did not resonate with him. Flash forward 2 days before Valentines day. I found porn on his phone like redtube,pornhub and other sites. I confronted him once again and he denied looking that up and said he did not know how it got there(classic answer, right)? Once again, I told him how it made me feel and he swore up and down that he did not look that up. We did wind up having sex, but only once since after I had confronted him the second time. I continued to snoop through his phone for porn and noticed he had not looked any up. We are now into May and still no sex after about 2 months. Because of this pattern with no sex, I decided to snoop through his phone about a week ago,( I know it's bad, but I have to get down to the bottom of this). Sure enough there it is. Porn. I saw he had done a search on google for it, because he mispelled some words. So now i know he had lied to me the first time i found it on his phone. I have not confronted him yet this time around. I feel sad, angry and very cheated about it. Especially for the fact that he doesn't even touch me let alone have sex. I'm tired of making the first move.It has been this way for a few years now as far as initiation goes. Most men complain that their wives don't want to have sex with them and he's completely taking me for granite. Help! I need advice. </p>

How did your husband feel about having the second child?  You say that your sex life has dwindled in the past few years, so was he excited about getting you pregnant a second time? Was the baby planned?

He may be avoiding you because he doesn't want to create any more children. The easiest way to avoid a pregnancy is for there not to be any sex and the easiest way for him to have sex where pregnancy is impossible is to masturbate. That could be his line of thinking.

Confronting him on the porn is only going to cause him to hide it from you more--it's not making him stop looking at it, so you need to decide if this is a battle you want to wage for the foreseeable future with him--because he's shown you that he's going to do it no matter how you feel about him doing it.  He already knows how you feel: you've got to decide if you're going to keep snooping to find out what you already know he's doing.

Have a long talk with him about what his fears are concerning being sexual with you--is he afraid of you getting pregnant again and he doesn't want more children? Are you done having babies? You can suggest that he get snipped or you get snipped, if that's the problem.  If he tells you that he doesn't want more children,  will you be cool with that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2013
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 1:37am

Thank you for the advice. It is something to think about. Yes, we did plan the pregnancy and he is very happy we had another one because we had talked about it. And yes, I know men look at porn. In fact we have watched it together before a few times and he knows I'm far from being a prude. But, how long does he really think this dryspell is going to last? But, what you said about him being afraid that i may become pregnant again is a good question to ask. But, that's what birth control is for as well as satisfying each other in other ways.It should be something that we share together. Again, thank you for responding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 10:18am

First of all, didn't your doctor say "no sex" during your pregnancy?  Maybe your husband is scared that he'll cause a problem.  But it sounds like he lost interest in sex before you got pregnant.  That makes one wonder how you GOT pregnant!  Then there's the issue of Porn.  And the issue is yours, not his.  He's not trying to hide it from you.......which he could do very easily.  It makes you feel insecure?  Why?  Do you think he's going to get involved with a porn star?  He's looking at pictures, nothing more. 

Obviously, you "confronting" him about it is not changing anything.  Why not stop fighting it, and simply talk to him about it,.........he might even stop looking at it once he realizes you don't care that he does.  Men can be obstinate, and will do what they want, not what WE want them to do.  Once you've had your baby, maybe the two of you can look at it together......for some couples, it's "inspiration"!   Whatever it is, it's not the end of the world.  If you feel he's replacing you with porn, then maybe you need to look into counseling to figure out how to build your self esteem......and not be threatened by it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2013
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 11:54pm

Thank you for responding to my vent. I am curious as to what his excuse is for avoiding sex with me "now". If you look back at what i wrote.I had said that we used to sometimes watch porn movies together. But, now he is totally leaving me out of the equation as far as sex goes. I also failed to mention that he has also gone on craigslist and looked at at pictures of local naked women and women from other countries, like south america, posting pictures of themselves on the Rants and Raves section. I never used to feel this bad about myself until i found all the secret porn and the sex stopped, no initiation on his part. I'm not just a baby factory.  I want him to make me feel desired and wanted sexually. He knows damn well he could come to me for sex anytime he pleases. I have told him this before. And as far as the doctor telling me no sex during my pregnancy, I knew she meant no insertion and of course i would follow those orders for the safety of my baby But that didn't mean we couldn't satisfy each other in other ways and I told my husband this. I would even drop hints. My hormones were raging and i wanted to be intimate during both pregnancies. I'm not one of those women with a constant "headache" (not interested in sex).

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 05-12-2013 - 8:27am

lunashifter wrote:
<p>Thank you for the advice. It is something to think about. Yes, we did plan the pregnancy and he is very happy we had another one because we had talked about it. And yes, I know men look at porn. In fact we have watched it together before a few times and he knows I'm far from being a prude. But, how long does he really think this dryspell is going to last? But, what you said about him being afraid that i may become pregnant again is a good question to ask. But, that's what birth control is for as well as satisfying each other in other ways.It should be something that we share together. Again, thank you for responding.</p>

Birth control fails.  Ask anyone who has been surprised by a pregnancy when they were on BC.

I agree that doing other things to satisfy one another should be undertaken, but in his mind, does that truly satisfy him or does penetration and achieving "le petit mort" is what satisfies him?  Ask him what he considers to be sufficient for his satisfaction... it may feel good-what you're doing--but it may leave him more frustrated. 

From what you've written, it would seem that there is a lot that he's not being truthful and candid with you about with regards to his feelings towards you and sexual intimacy with you. There seems to be a lot in the communication area that you two need to bring out in the open.  If it was, as you say, you crying "headache", then I would lay some of that at your feet.  But you were more than willing to consider options and alternatives to get you through the pregnancy and now that you're post delivery and post 6-week check up, you want to resume relations with him, which is totally normal. 

It's not fair of him to leave you out in the cold while he goes and handles his business by himself. That there tells me that  there is a level of anger going on in him that is causing him to justify to himself what he is doing and how he is denying you what you should be getting from your spouse.*

Men, by and large, generally will willingly choose a live, warm, willing body over their right palm and a stack of pornos every day of the week--it's only when they wish to withhold that from the live, warm, willing body that they do---and the only reason I can think of that justifies someone in that course of action is resentment, frustration and anger at said warm, willing body.  The absense of resentment, frustration and anger is sexual abandon and willingness to make love to their partner. 

Look into that.

 

 

 

*or if you are lactating or have scars, he may be so superficial that it's turning him off... if that's the case, then he needs to pay for a mommy-overhaul surgery for you to get you your maiden body back.  Otherwise, he needs to pull up his big boy pants and get on with real life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2013
Sun, 05-12-2013 - 8:43pm
  • thank you kendahke 1. What you said is definately something to ponder. Next step is to talk calmly and not confront threateningly to him. he has told me in the past that all of my "mommy markings" do not bother him. So maybe there is something deeper going on. Maybe get those testosterone levels checked? i'm willing t try anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 05-13-2013 - 10:08am

Men watching porn daily is actually a serious matter. I read an article that said it actually changes something in the brain that ends up making porn the default go-to to get turned on instead of sex with their partner. Google some articles and read up on that. Time and again I read about women who are in your situation. Their partner prefers porn to real life sex. Since you already tried speaking to him and nothing changed, I recommend counseling. Tell him you need sex at least once a week or however many times you want it, to be satisfied and live a happy life. He needs to know the seriousness of the state of your marriage and that you're not taking this lightly. If he refuses to go, go by yourself. A counselor will be a non-partial third party who will maybe make him see the light. In the meantime, if there is a relative or friend who could babysit one night, plan a romantic night. Tell him that the following week, it's his turn to plan something special and mark it on the calendar. If he says he doesn't know what to do, tell him to pick out a massage oil and that you two will be giving each other a massage. Get him in a pattern of doing it regularly. Tell him to go on Cosmopolitan magazine online and choose a new position that they have listed. Give him homework. If he cares about you, he will comply. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2013
Mon, 05-13-2013 - 10:45pm

Thank you Safire! Your take on porn is very refreshing being that it does more harm than good to marriage. I have very recently read some articles as well on the net about what porn does to ones brain after viewing it on a daily basis for hours on end   and takes the place of sex with your signifiant other. I am convinced that it is highly detrimental to a marriage. It's opening up Pandoras box and when opened, one becomes desensitized to it all and looks further for new and different content. Possibly even affairs. I will talk to my husband once again, see where the conversation takes us and suggest counceling and try to nip this in this bud before things potentially become worse. Instinctually for me, it is a hurtful thing to do to your spouse. My line of thinking is... If it feels wrong, then it probably is. My dilemma now is how to start the conversation the right way. I tend to get very flustered and nervousand my words just don't come out right. Any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Wed, 05-15-2013 - 8:34am

My advice is to practice what you're going to say out loud. Use sentences that say "I" instead of "you." He can't argue with what you're feeling, but using the "you" word will put him on the defensive. Pick a time when the kids are asleep and hold his hand on the couch. When holding hands, it's hard to yell at each other. This is what I would say: "I was really satisfied with our sex life when we had sex twice a week. I really love that closeness with you and I crave sex a couple of times a week. I want to get back to that place with you." Stop and let him respond. Don't interupt and listen to him. If he's quiet, continue. "This is what it says in articles I've read about regularly looking at porn. It actually changes the brain. I printed out these articles if you want to read them. I really want to work through this problem with you because I love you and want to spend my life with you. If the problem is too big for us to handle on our own, a counselor may be able to help us with the skills." Let him speak if he wants to. "I feel more desirable when you initiate sex at least once a week. I'd love it if you told me how much you desire me and if you put some thought into new things to try with me."

See how the use of "I" is very nonconfrontational? It's also hard for him to argue with what you're feeling and wanting. Good luck and let us know how it goes.