New here - woman with HL going crazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2010
New here - woman with HL going crazy
26
Tue, 10-12-2010 - 12:38am

hi,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 10-12-2010 - 5:56am

...please keep in mind that you are going to receive responses from people who have been involved in marriages/relationships for years that are going through this...they are going to share with you what they know to be the generic truth (even though we are all unique individuals, certain scenarios seem to repeat over and over and over and over)...I am the LL in my relationship but only because my husband would love to have twice a day, everyday and I am perfectly satisfied with 3-4 times a week; we've compromised down to once a day but sometimes do have sex again later in the day...what I would advise (so that you feel like you've given great effort) is to tell him what you told us...and, tell him that you will end this relationship by a certain date if he doesn't work with you to fulfill you partnered sexual needs...decide on a date and keep it to yourself, then...leave if he hasn't worked with you...also, please consider that you are in a very new relationship and while there aren't hard and fast rules as to how much sex you "should" be having, most people (if you are impressed by averages) are still throwing day like a sonofabitch at this point...

...as the LL in my relationship, I am blessed...my husband does not require that I writhe in ecstasy, he does not require that I tear his close off or beg him to have sex with me (unless that is the mood that I am in and then he welcomes it)...you should give some thought (if only to have a better idea what you are looking for the next time around) to what you desire...if you desire a man that does writhe in ecstasy and wants to tear your clothes off, then settle for nothing less...if you need intercourse to feel as though you've had the sex that you need, settle for nothing less...if you are willing to involve yourself with a man that doesn't have the same libido as you but is willing to involve himself in your sexual satisfaction by using his hands and mouth during those times that he doesn't desire intercourse, communicate that...use this relationship as a learning tool...

..finally, I think it's important you call a spade a spade and really concentrate on the fact that your new partner has began throwing verbal punches, leaving you feeling like a predator for expressing your sexual needs...you don't need this in your life (but, only you can decide what you will keep in your life)...he may be gay (if Rock Hudson can be gay, anyone can be gay)....he may have a particular desire (fetish) that he needs to feel sexual arousal and he may not want to tell you (or anyone) about it...he may just not want to have sex...his libido may just be low and that is the way that he is...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 10-12-2010 - 10:37am

What's different this time around in this relationship that makes you HL?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 10-12-2010 - 11:52am

What was the status of your sex life and comparative libidos with your ex at the 2 month mark?

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 10-12-2010 - 12:19pm

>>>>> What do I do? <<<<<

Two things:

1.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2010
Tue, 10-12-2010 - 1:02pm
howcanidothis wrote:

I was in a marriage with a HL and I was (I guess as he put it) LL... wich made me feel unloved, wothless... horrible, abusive.. you name it.

Read the above words carefully...The poster's quote above should indicate to

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 10-12-2010 - 7:42pm

...happened to me...I was a very LL during my first marriage...I wasnt' attracted to him...I'm the LL in my relationship now, but pretty much anybody would be the LL if involved in a relationship with my husband...which makes one of the responses curious to me...I think all libido levels are relative to a particular relationship...so, to the person who asked what the difference is between the relationships (and libido levels)...I'd say the answer is the partner...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2010
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 1:35pm
Just curious, were you LL during the courtship phase of your 2nd marriage? I understand the reason for the LL during the first marriage, but did your 2nd husband indicate his high needs while you were dating?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2010
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 1:38pm
Interesting....you all on this board really shouldn't be labeled as LL or HL, just as LLer or HLer relative to your partner. Out in the "real world" I would suspect you all have a normal, healthy appetite. You're just attached to the wrong partner.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 1:43pm
That's not entirely true, W. There are definite LLs here, Freelancemomma has been LL all her life, with any partner.

Then there are those of us who are "situationally LL." But the situation might not be what you think it is. I start out any and all relationships as HL, but no matter who my partner is, I settle into what I would call LL after a time has passed (about 2-3 years, typically.) Now, granted, what I call LL is once a week or every 10 days or so and that might not be LL to someone else, but still, it significantly lower than what I start out at.

I've learned this about myself over years and years of dating, plus two marriages. I'm pretty sure it's not always about the "wrong partner." Part of it is just who I am.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2010
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 1:47pm
If that's the case, did you know coming into your second marriage that he was so very much a HL? Did you think he would change or you would try to adjust your LL accordingly? I guess what I'm asking is how does a LL marry such an incredible HL as your husband?

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