Newbie question about marriage and ML

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Newbie question about marriage and ML
29
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 12:08am

Hi,

I just found this section of iVillage and I am so afraid that I belong here! I am a 34 year old female, married for 9 years to my husband, he just turned 39. We have 2 kids, both under 4. I think that I have a normal range libido - ideal for me would be sex once or twice a week. My husband I believe has a low libido and it's not fun for me. I am not sure why this happens, but we just had sex yesterday for the first time in 4 months.

We routinely go months without sex and then the only sex we have is after days of my complaining and asking my husband to please make time for it. I have to remind him that I want/need to have sex with him and that it makes me very sad and irritable when we don't. He claims to want to have sex also. But, frankly, it is often awkward when we do and not that great.

I keep thinking - maybe I smell bad? maybe

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 12:53am

I would ask you plenty of questions which you should ask yourself before concluding anything.

Is he stressed for anything? work, money , etc.?

Is he depressed ?

Is he on medication?

Do you have any marital problems?

Is it possible that there is another woman involved ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 1:42am

I actually have a different set of questions:

How long has it been this way? If it has been this way since you became sexually involved with him, why did you marry him and have children with him?

If it was not always this way, when did it change and what events might be associated with the change? What other things changed about that same time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 12:18pm

Thank you for helping me with this. I will try to answer your questions.

Is he stressed for anything? work, money , etc.? Probably just as much as anyone else. He loves his job. We have no real money problems. His work is very demanding though and he works very odd hours - days nights, etc. Sometimes he works a lot of nights and sleeps during the day. Because of this, we often go to sleep at different times of the night. I usually go to sleep around 10 and he is often up late into the night. He is a night owl and it is not unusual for him to regularly go to sleep after 2 am - even when he is not working. He spends a LOT of time playing computer games.

Is he depressed ? I don't

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 12:25pm

Also,

Since I just read some of the other threads. I think that we both initiate for sex fairly evenly. The worst part of it for me though, is that I get turned down about 50-75% of the time. This makes me SO SO sad. Sometimes I cry (privately). He will say that he doesn't want to "plan" it if I ask to make a date. He says that he wants it to be "spontaneuos" which I think means that he wants it to be whenever he happens to be in the mood.

Sometimes I have to admit that I may also not be in the mood. I am sometimes exhausted, with working and taking care of the kids, home, etc. We also have very mismatched clocks. I think our off schedule bed times really interferes with the natural flow of night time intimacy. What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 2:37pm

" I think he does not view our sex lives as a problem or an issue at."

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 6:13pm

How long ago did computer games begin to interfere with everyday activities?

How old are your children?

Do you have a mortgage? If so, how long have you had it?

Was he in any long-term sexual relationships prior to this one? If so, what was his libido level like in those relationships? How long did they last?

Do you and he go out together on a regular basis or have any alone time together on a regular basis? Do you participate in any sports, physical exercise, outdoor recreation or relatively "risky" behavior together that might tend to cause the release of adrenaline? Did you ever? If so, when did you stop?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 10:41pm

Hi - thank you for the responses. Leaving the marriage is definitely not something I am interested in. I love my husband a lot and we have kids. I would rather figure out how to improve things. (is it possible?)

How long ago did computer games begin to interfere with everyday activities? At least 5 years or so. It wasn't such a nuisance before. Now it seems like the computer is another job for him.

How old are your children? Kids are little , 3 years old and 3 months

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 10:42pm
What do you think happened 6 years ago?

It does not sound (from your posts) that you have had a conversation about your wishes/concerns and how it makes you feel when you're rejected 50-75% of the time. He sounds like a nice guy; I bet it would be a shock to him to learn his wife was crying in private over it.

Spontaneity kind of goes out the window when you have odd schedules and kids and work, etc. People who do all those things really do plan for sex or at least hint profusely that that is the night!

Does he play the games online while you are already asleep? Or at a time when you two could be having romance time?

I agree a little date night would be helpful too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 10:43pm
"I would like to also make sex overall more fun, less mechanical and less awkward."

Was sex with him ever fun and non-mechanical, non-awkward?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 10:50pm

Thanks, he IS a nice guy.

I think part of it is that it feels so ODD to be the woman with a higher libido than my partner. I am SO embarrassed about it. I feel sort of ashamed I guess. So, that's why we don't talk about it much. I guess it seems to me that either I should not want so much sex or my partner should really want to have it more than I do. I have all these friends whose husbands can't get enough and they complain about it. It makes me wonder: what in the world is wrong with me? I used to be really popular in my younger years. A friend even called me a "guy magnet". But now, I can't pay my own husband to have sex with me.

It's really a horrible feeling and just makes me so sad. I wish I coud change things somehow. We have gone through phases were the sex was WAY better. I think I need to figure out why that was happening. Interestingly, early in my most recent pregnancy, the sex was great. Partly because I refused to take no for an answer. Also, we are using condoms now and I know that really takes the fun out of it.

Any ideas? More date nights, better birth control. (I will fix that once I am done nursing the baby). Any other ideas to help inspire my husband?

Does lingerie actually work? I am so terrified of being rejected that I am usually too scared to try anything like that.

Also, since you ask , he often starts computer games right after dinner, when I am watching TV (alone) and continues way past my bed time.

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