No passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2007
No passion
13
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 8:12pm

Hi Everyone, I've never posted to this forum but am having a problem with mismatched libidos. I'm a HL (female) & my fiancee is a LL (male). We have sex about once every 2-3 weeks, but it isn't exciting b/c I really have to beg for that. And the last time I asked, I was bluntly shot down. This has been effecting my confidence and interest in marrying him.

My question is, has anyone found a way to make these relationships work (HL & LL)? The thought of calling off the wedding has been in my head since the first month we were engaged (he "became" a LL after getting engaged). We haven't even planned anything (my family has, though, which is a huge reason why calling off the wedding scares me).

My fiancee is a kind person and we can crack me up, but he just seems void of any passion- he doesn't have friends, doesn't want sex, and his social life is a cycle of work to TV to laptop. This behavior worries and bothers me.

The nagging question is: does talking really help? When I bring up the lack of sex he seems very apathetic and not interested in finding a solution to the issue. I've asked him to check for depression or something physical but his doctor wouldn't (at least that's what I was told). I'm starting to feel that without physical love I'm falling out of love with him.

Thanks for reading, sometimes I just want to make sure I'm not the only one! I cannot talk about this to others b/c they just think I'm being shallow (as if I think sex is the only thing). But for me, sex is symbolic of our passion as a couple & the health of our relationship.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
In reply to: runrgal24
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 10:29pm

Please don't get married until you resolve this (unlikely, from the sounds of it) or find out it doesn't resolve within X months (note "months," not "years"). Listen to your gut, even if it causes inconvenience to family members.

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2009
In reply to: runrgal24
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 11:25pm

"The nagging question is: does talking really help? When I bring up the lack of sex he seems very apathetic and not interested in finding a solution to the issue. I've asked him to check for depression or something physical but his doctor wouldn't (at least that's what I was told). I'm starting to feel that without physical love I'm falling out of love with him. "


I am an HL female married to an LL husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
In reply to: runrgal24
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 12:59am

"My fiancee is a kind person and we can crack me up, but he just seems void of any passion- he doesn't have friends, doesn't want sex, and his social life is a cycle of work to TV to laptop. This behavior worries and bothers me."


You see how he is

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: runrgal24
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 2:00am

I suspect you already know the answer here, and don't for one minute contemplate getting married because your relatives expect it or because it would be embarrassing to pull out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: runrgal24
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 7:40am

...marriage NEVER reduces stress...maybe, it will feel that way briefly after the wedding stress is over...but, then life starts...bills, health issues, aging parents, family deaths, bad economy, children (if that's in your future)...his sex drive will lower and your frustration level will rise...his jokes won't seem funny...you'll laugh less...please do not start a married life this way...he's given you all of the clues you need...

p.s. no one that has answered you so far just showed up on the board, they've been here for a long time and have been navigating (or reading about others navigating) a relationship that is ML for a long time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: runrgal24
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 8:12am

You have had your doubts about marrying him since you first became engaged and now calling off the wedding scares you because you're family has it planned.

Photobucket
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: runrgal24
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 9:56am

Time to dust off Hold's 2 rules:


1.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: runrgal24
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 5:42pm

Everyone has given you excellent advice, and I just wanted to add that you were me in my last relationship and I had to cancel the wedding, inform everyone, give back the ring, etc. It sucked! But I had that voice in my head, too, telling me something wasn't right for me even though we "we got along great except for the sex".

Trust me, not everyone feels the way you do about passion, sex, and love. I learned that on this board. I felt for 2 years I could do "something" so he would be more interested. He isn't. Period. Sex doesn't mean anything to him, he doesn't bond with it, but it means love and connection to me. I thought everyone (at least all men) felt this way, but I was wrong.

If he does not consider it an issue or problem, then it is who he is. And not who you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2010
In reply to: runrgal24
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 3:07am

I haven't read all the replies yet, but my advice is NOT to get married.

Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
In reply to: runrgal24
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 7:11am

CB, your post is a classic example of why we tell people in severely ML relationships to run like hell. The ONLY way a ML relationship can work is if the partners are strongly motivated to work with their differences and bridge the gap to the best of their abilities (and even then it's chancey). Otherwise, it's a recipe for misery. But very few people are willing to face this truth until they live it. Which is human nature, I suppose...

We should probably have a section on this board devoted to posts like yours, so newbies can get a better sense of what lies ahead for them.

Freelance

Pages