No sex drive at all

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
No sex drive at all
7
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 5:17pm
I been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, we just moved in together a few weeks ago. When we first started dating he couldn't keep his hands off me,
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 9:02pm

I believe antidepressants can have a significant impact on his desire for sex but I think that's a well known side effect (as in the doctor or pharmacist would have mentioned that). If it was a side effect that bothered him, he'd be back into the doctor to get his prescription changed. You might suggest it to him just in case he isn't aware but be prepared for him to do nothing about it.


It's too bad he's just moved in. By your account, this reduced interest in sex has been going on for almost three years. Maybe it would have been better for you to keep your own places.


You say you're just looking for some advice on how to go about this. If by this you mean the relationship, I'm afraid there may not be anything to go about. If he prefers X Box to spending time with you, he's telling you what he thinks of the relationship.


If you're asking how to go about dealing with or turning around a boyfriend who has no interest in sex, you might want to sit down. I don't think there's anything you can do to turn him around. In my experience, people are who they are and we exhaust ourselves trying to make them into something else. Almost everyone (you'll find exceptions on this board) goes through a highly sexed beginning of a relationship. Lots of sex, lots of intimacy, lots of each other. But once that honeymoon period is over, there doesn't seem to be anything that will get it going again. There is no power lingerie nor any magic words that can change a guy who isn't interested in sex with his partner into a sex-crazed beast again with the same partner.


If I were you, I'd be happy for the last three years, grateful that there are no children involved in the mix (there aren't, are there?) and I would move on. That's so much better than a lifetime of talking to him about it until you're blue in the face, dressing sexy but only having the cat notice, and climbing the walls while you wait for him to come around or get over whatever you think might be distracting him.


These things don't get better unless both partners are willing to work towards change. Sadly, however willing we might be, we can't make our partners want to change.


I wish I had something more positive to tell you. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 4:40am
Well...all you can do is ask yourself if this is what you're happy and willing to put up with; he's shown you pretty clearly what his "baseline" identity is: a person who is a big gamer and has low libido. Depression absolutely has an effect, and it is not uncommon for LL folks in the initial stages of a relationship to be very sexual from the excitement and endorphins of a new partner. A few months of heightened libido sounds about right before the big crash. My ex was like this, and he was a gamer as well. It was a horrible feeling to feel "sidelined" for a pastime that is so escapist and non-productive.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 10:03am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 9:34pm
There is no children invovled. When we first started dating he wanted children but he started back to school and everything change. Which is fine with me, as much as i want children there is just to much going on with in out relationship that is not good for a child at this point. I also wanted to thank you for everyone who has read this and replyed to me, it gave me good insight. I need to rethink out relationship and go from there. We have our good days and our bad but it seem that somedays the bad is all that is there. Thank you again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 2:24am
Is it not that the expectations we have been taught did not prepare us for the new world. Xbox games are intensely mentally engrossing.
A gamer is just that and it really has nothing to do with libido. That's right nothing. The gamer's attention an focus is on the game.
People were taught that sex was the be all but it is not. many games require mental focus and interruptions are not appreciated. That leaves a hole in what many were taught "how it's supposed to be".
Yet those ideals were formed before this technology was invented.
Also the Xbox is a NEW TOY! The new thing in our lives will get the most attention. Will he get over it and see you again. That is unanswerable.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 11:17am
If you want a man, find a man. If you want a little boy, find someone who plays with an X-Box.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 12:38pm

This is a basic issue.

1) Firstly, sexual satisfaction is a completely normal requirement. The key to a long-term relationship that works for you will hinge upon having MATCHED sexual drives. This is a "mystery" to many, but it's supported by much data.

2) A common issue for human beings is that sexual drive will peak, then stave off during the course of a relationship. As others have said, this is quite common. Incidentally, just because it's common does NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO TOLERATE IT. I am one of those individuals whose sex drive NEVER ramps down. Its been a struggle for me personally, but through much counseling, I have come to realize not only am I perfectly normal, but women are very interested in a man who can maintain his drive year after year. In other words, if you want his drive to stay the same, then go ahead and find a man that MATCHES you.

3) Electronic media has a dehumanizing effect on people who do not know how to moderate their usage. This is particularly crippling for young men, but women suffer here as well. Homo Sapiens has an evolutionary psychology which is well-adapted to small tribal units of 20-50 people with plenty of "face time" involved, not electronic gadgetry. The key here is moderation, like most other activities. If he won't moderate his intake, punt him.

Conclusion:

- Its NORMAL for you to want to have the same amount of sex year after year
- Its NORMAL for him to decide he doesn't want it anymore
- Its ACCEPTABLE for you to decide its not tolerable.

- You will more than likely punt him, if he does not change his tune. Sexual incompatibility is one of the top 5 reasons for divorce and break-up, and its quite important.

hope this helps...

anti.

- Interested in cutting through the BS.
- Interested in cutting through the BS.