No sexuality, ?Confusado?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
No sexuality, ?Confusado?
3
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:53pm
This question is for anyone who has input.....

I have recently separated (for 3rd, ugh, yuck!!) time from DH of 10 years. Basically stayed together because of child, (marriage an error from the start) but of course, this is NOT A LIFE, so.....here we are again, and I hope so much this time it will stick and I will get my life back!!!!!

We had CL issues (he rejected & berated me for wanting sex...I am talking me wanting it 1-2 times a week here, which for us ended up translating to once every 3-6 months.)

I even more recently experienced a 'mild' rejection from a 44 year old HOTTIE whom I have had a very enjoyable infatuation for. I have honestly enjoyed this infatuation, I know it is basically a fantasy at this point, and that is OK, cause that is all I really have time for right now (well, OK, yes, I would have 'danced a thousand steps for him' if he wanted, ....but the reality is that he is incomfortable with my 'separated' status, so it is a 'no go.' All that is OK by me, that is just the way it goes, c'est la vie.

But I have noticed in the last 3 weeks or so, that I have NO sex drive whatsoever. This has NEVER happened to me!! Even when I knew I wasn't going to get any, I still had a drive. Even when I ....you know ;> it takes forever, like I don't even have the equipment or something....??

So I am now wondering, is this all in my mind??? Or do I now have some new physical problem that is coinciding with my crappoid love life??

Does anyone have any idea? TIA!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 9:35pm
Hi Golden...first, let me say that I'm sorry to hear about your situation, I'm sure you'd much rather have resolved things in place of getting separated again...although, if you say the marriage was a mistake from the beginning, maybe I'm way off here....

In any case, I think with what you're going through right now it seems perfectly logical that you'd have no drive. Especially after you've been rejected by your H for so long, then to get rejected, for whatever reason, by this other man, it can't be good for your self esteem. I'd say it had more to do with psychology than physiology at this point.

In all honesty, it may be a good thing that this man turned you down. As bad as you may have wanted sex, (with whomever, at this point, I know how you feel:)), it may be time for you to take a little time for yourself, to figure out what you want, how you're going to get it, and what the best course of action to take for you and your child is. Getting into a sexual relationship, or any other kind, right now, may cloud your objectives. If I were in your situation, I'd take this time to sit back and really think about what I want to do with my life, and make some major decisions.

So, to answer your questions, no, I don't think there's anything physically wrong with you, I just think you may need some time to sort out your feelings and what you want/need to do. After all, even though you weren't exactly happy in your marriage, 10 years IS a long time, and you're not just gonna snap out of "it" overnight, you know? Give yourself some time, I'm sure you'll be rearing to go soon enough!

Sending lots of hugs your way!!

Avatar for tomatoman
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 1:25pm
I think whatever the cause, it sounds like a blessing of sorts. Basically, you've been rejected by two different guys in however long a span of time. So maybe it's just your own body's way of saying "Time for a break from the frustration." Women especially seem to be blessed with the capacity to sort of let things go dormant when there isn't a guy around. It's less true for guys, altho there's still a limited amount of relief from not always having the rejection right in your face. And this might be such a case, if there's no one around to get things moving, why would you want to?

When the right guy comes 'round, things will stir anew. You'll STILL be confused, but that will simply be from trying to figure out the puzzle of a new person. -- T-man

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 6:08am
Golden, don't worry about this at all. This has happened to me occasionally and it just disappears as quickly as it came on. The time's it has happened to me its usually been if I was living on my own - I, like you, have been married for ages but have occasionally worked away from home for months at a time and when DH wansn't around I DID find my drive occasionally just sort of vanished for a short time. Ita true it seems weird because as you say, when you were with DH you knew you wouldn't be getting any anyway, but I don't know... there's something about having a man AROUND that provokes the drive (nust be hormonal signals or something!).

The "it even takes ages when I try to ...you know..." is also something I have occasionally experienced - its a really weird feeling but again, it just seems to wear off of its own accord. You may be going through a sort of "dip" at present following the separtaion (how long's it been now?) Although you'd think the beginning would be the worst, I think at the beginning you're kind of hyped up and its only after a while that the sort of "crash" happens...

It'll all come back as mysteriously as it went so don't stress about it... i know its an odd feeling, like going off your food, but don't worry about it.

Hugs Strawberry