not enough sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
not enough sex
7
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 1:15pm

hi there. i have been with my bf now for 9 months. we moved pretty quickly in the relationship, and now we live together. i am 35 and he is 41. we used to have sex pretty frequently in the beginning of the relationship - several times a day. we now are intimate maybe once a week, if even that. is this normal? he is otherwise very affectionate and tells me he loves me. but i feel like we are now the old married couple that's been together for 20 years...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
In reply to: csunk
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 1:42pm
I'm only a few years away from being the old married couple that has been together for 20 years. We are at the most 2-3 times a month, with me begging, this month was once! But to be fair I gave up, tired of getting rejected. We had sex in the beginning of this month, was great, and then even after waiting almost a week before I dare initiiated again, and then got shot down, "I'm too tired..." "We just had sex a few days ago......"

So once a week, I could only wish, ideal would be 2x a week.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
In reply to: csunk
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 2:49pm
Whether it's normal or not has no bearing on your happiness in the relationship. If I tell you it's normal, will that solve the problem? Everyone has different sexual needs. Some people (like me) are content with sporadic sex, others have a strong sexual hunger that requires regular fulfillment, and still otehrs are driven by the need to feel wanted through sex. If you've only been together 9 months and the pattern you describe is emerging, you're probably seeing the real him. The question you need to ask yourself is: Can I happily live with him "as is" ?

Freelance
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: csunk
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 5:38pm
Yes, it is often the case that sex has a major drop in frequency several months into the relationship. There are brain chemicals in the beginning of a relationship (PEA) which turn off (for some in a few months, for others in a couple of years) and switch to other brain chemicals (oxytocin). Some people are much more horny when their brains are filled with PEA than when they are filled with oxytocin. There are a few things you can do to try and keep some PEA flowing (roller coaster rides, bungee jumping), but basically this is natural and irreversible.

This new him is the "real" him once the PEA wears off. You can make changes at the margins, but things will probably never go back to the way they were at the beginning.

FLM has asked the correct question. can you be happy with this version of him? If not, you may need to leave him to find a man whose libido does not drop off so far once the PEA wears off.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: csunk
Tue, 01-31-2012 - 4:21am

a man whose libido does not drop off so far once the PEA wears off

Never noticed the PEA wearing off bit, it can happen.... (30 years on....)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2009
In reply to: csunk
Tue, 01-31-2012 - 7:14am
Some of us are just like that......oxitocin? seems to give me the same "kick" as Pea does. Or maybe the expectation that a warm comfortable loving relationship includes regular sex..... Or scary as it seems, it could be, never being fully sated for long has caused a permanent craving, a long term mental groove that I keep following.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: csunk
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 4:26pm

i had a talk with him recently, and his reply was that he would have sex with me everyday if he could. but nope, that doesn't happen. he was away for work for a week just recently. you would think that after not having seen each other for a week, we would be intimate. but nope, didn't happen. it's always one reason or another. he initiates most of the time, so one time i tried to initiate, and he told me i was tickling him. i felt so rejected. i know he loves me, but this kind of behavior just makes me feel less attractive and even inadequate. i'm not sure what else to do. so basically what i got from my talk with him was that he likes to have sex...just not with me? :catsad:

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: csunk
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 5:32pm
>>>>> basically what i got from my talk with him was that he likes to have sex...just not with me? <<<<<

I get a very different message from your description. I get the impression he is not into sex, period. He may say otherwise. In our society, it is very shameful for men to admit they are not interested in sex. So don't expect him to admit it in words. But his actions speak volumes.

In particular, the "that tickles" comment is a huge red flag. That seems to be a VERY common remark among men with low drives. Most men with high drives, when touched by their wives after a week apart, feel SCHWIIINNNGGG!!! Men who find a their wife's touch uncomfortable tend to have low drives.

It will be difficult to create a safe enough environment for him to admit he has a low drive. Especially if he already knows (as he does) that you are disappointed by his lack of interest,. I think you have to express to him that you imagine he has low drive. And that is OK. He is who he is. But you need to know the truth either way.

When you see it coming, duck!