Not going anywhere, need support 2 much

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2003
Not going anywhere, need support 2 much
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Mon, 03-31-2003 - 8:52am
See I knew it was too early to be happy about the whole Viagra thing. Looks as if yes, I will be able to have sex, and it will probably be a rip roaring time when we do, however, those times will be far and few between.

Bad weekend. Tried to initiate sex Saturday night, and we were back to the old routine. Sure, he says, kissing, hugging, groping.... nothing. I really was going to let it go this time, and just turned over to go to sleep. A few minutes later I can hear him crying. So I try to reassure him its alright, all the stuff you are suppose to do, the whole time holding in the fact that I am so horney... well by the time it is all done, I am feeling guilty for being horney and wanting sex! How the hell did that happen?

I really am almost to the point where trying to have sex with my DH is such an ordeal, that I don't want it anymore. Not that I don't want sex, but beginning to be too much trouble to want it from him.

Ok, so part of this is venting, but I really am at the end of my rope. We are buying a house and I really am beginning to think that by the time we move in, we are only going to be roommates.

It is not suppose to be this hard!

J

Jen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 9:43am
Did you know there are just as many pleasurable nerve endings in a flaccid penis as an erect one? And I'm sure you BOTH know that there are lots of other sexually pleasurable things to do that don't involve an erection!

I think it's great that this board is here and you can come here and vent and look for support, but...what kind of support does your DH have? The poor guy was crying, for goodness sake. He probably feels like it shouldn't be this difficult, either, and every incident like the one you described is going to make him both less likely to initiate AND less likely to be able to "perform" with you, Viagra or not.

The more you two focus on his penis as the only source of your mutual sexual pleasure, the less likely it's going to be able to function as that. You probably already know that, though, don't you? Don't just remember it, though, put it into play. And I do mean PLAY. Sex is supposed to be fun, right?

I don't know what else to tell you, hon. I've BTDT and that's how we've gotten through. The more we ignore his penis, the better it "behaves"! And if it doesn't "behave" then at least we have a good time and nobody ends up crying or horny at the end of it!

Shan

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Registered: 02-07-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 9:56am
You are right, and I did already know it. I have tried to get him to forget about it, and do other stuff. Well he doesn't enjoy going down on me, so I never *ask* for that, it has to be his idea. He was using fingers, and did give me pleasure, and I was trying anything for him, but he just did not seem interested.

You are so right about the support for DH, but I do not know what to do to get him the support. I have tried to get him to talk to me about it, but he always just shrugs it off. Even when he is crying, I ask him specific questions and the most I get is, I'm scared of losing you. No matter how many times, I tell him I am going no where, which truly I am not, he still is upset. I can feel there is something left unsaid on his part, but no matter what I do, I cannot get him to say it. I do try to be the best I can, but I cannot be the full support for him, when I have so many insecurities playing into this whole thing. I did a pretty good act yesterday that it "was no big deal" and I think he lightened up a little, but then this morning he was all down again. I think he knew I was "self pleasuring" last night and it upset him, but I needed to or I would have never been able to fall asleep!

I have tried over and over to bring the "fun" back in. I have tried all the tips. I have kept it as lighthearted as I can, but nothing is working. UGH! Just totally frustrated today.

J

Jen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 10:52am
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it sound like it wasn't real to you. Maybe it feels so bad not just because of the observable situation (ED) but because he's all balled up about it and won't come out and talk about it. It was a big step that he got the Viagra, wasn't it? But now both of you have had a cold wet codfish smacked in your faces because the Viagra wasn't the magic little cure and he's STILL going to have to deal with it like a grownup and talk about it.

I think you're doing well with it so far, under the circumstances. Except for taking care of yourself in bed with him. I mean, the guy had already been crying about his supposed inability to satisfy you (well, EITHER of you) and then you do yourself right there next to him? At least if you'd gone into the shower you could have told him you were having a "cold shower"? I'm personally a great fan of self-care (LOL) but I wouldn't dream of doing it where DH could notice, especially not after "failed" sex. The only times I've done it near him was when it was part of what we were actually doing together. Maybe you could do something like THAT next time? Me, I don't have a problem telling DH when I need help, either if he's finished first or we didn't get started in the first place.

Just my .02 more...

Shan

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Registered: 02-07-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 10:59am
I think you either misunderstood or I misstated. the failed attempt was Saturday night. And it was without the viagra, because he did not want to take it.

The self pleasure was last night, Sunday, and was not in the bed. I did it before coming to bed, but I think he knew what I had been doing. I know he overall does not have a problem with me self pleasuring, as we have discussed it many times, and he will often want to hear details about what I had done. He was already asleep as he did not sleep well the night before, and I was on another floor of the house.

I also would have never self pleasured in this situation with him next to me. I even tried to half heartly initiate before he went to bed. Hell I much rather would have been with him. That is not even a contest.

Jen

Jen
Avatar for janegael
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 11:59am
It sounds as if your communication has broken down, or maybe was never there to begin with. He has something bothering him. He can't or won't tell you. The problem presents itself as low libido/rejecting your advances and makes you both miserable. You ask, he says no, you cry...he cries...everyone just wants the problem to go away. It can't go away because people in love have sex. He can't have sex, or can't "let himself" have sex and yet he loves you, so the problem rolls on and on in an endless circle of pain.

You two need to find a good therapist. He particulary needs to see someone who is good at finding out what happened in his life before he met you. I would wager that there is something deep and dark that is causing the problem. He may not be aware of it on the surface, but his psyche sure is.

I'm in the middle of this situation myself. After more than 3 years of being together and 8 months of marriage, we still don't have a sex life. I have been giving him a blow job and had him get up and walk away!! We cry, we talk, we argue, we make up and he goes to the doctor and takes the medication (testosterone suppliment) and still no interest.

Last Sunday I found some porn on his computer and lost it. He was surfing for porn and hadn't touched me in weeks. We had our typical discussion/tears/accusations/hugs/more tears and I looked at him and asked, "what does imtimacy mean to you?" Off the top if his head he said "scary." (!)

We were both surprised by that answer and he finally opened up a little. I asked what he feels when I touch him initmately and he told me that he feels that it's something dirty that he should not be doing. When these thoughts intrude he can't stop them and has to get away from the situation no matter how pleasurable it is at the moment. He has to stop that feeling that he is doing something wrong.

We did some poking into his past and we think that it all stems from his mother's absolute rule of the family and her position that sex is dirty. He can remember his father being made to burn his Playboy magazines in front of him and his brothers. This sent a real message to him about sex. Her lectures about disease that were repeated at school didn't help either. Sex is evil and embarassing and people who are interested in it get hurt or get sick.

He was still a virgin at 26 and was terrified of sex although he did his best to hide it. He's still terrified and is more comfortable if we are platonic. He knows that this will kill our marriage, so today he is at the doctor getting a complete physical and then is going to call a therapist to try to find out what's going on. Something deep is preventing him from enjoying sex and he is going to find out what it is.

Could it be that your husband has had any experiences as a child or teen that would convince him, even subconsciously, that sex is not something that he should do? Could he love you and want you and yet feel that sex is wrong? If so, no amount of stimulation or begging or tears is going to help. He needs to stand up straight and resolve to find out what is going on. It might not be pretty. It might be something he was taught -- it might even go back to being molested. Something deep might be lurking but you can't find it by taking little blue pills. Don't let him get away with crying, try to get him to look inside and find where the tears and the pain are coming from so the two of you working together can heal it.

I have high hopes for my marriage for the first time because my DH has stopped just bursting into tears and has actually taken charge of the situation. It's scary but he said he feels that he's doing the right thing.

I don't know if my story has helped, but I wanted you to know that sometimes it goes a lot deeper than just not feeling like it tonight.

Peace and (((HUGS)))

Jane




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Registered: 02-07-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 12:44pm
I agree that sometimes it goes a lot deeper. I am not so sure in our case it goes this deep. We have been married five years and together almost eight now. It has only been the last two years that has been any sort of noticable problem. When we do have sex, he is really into it. Actually even when we have these episodes, he has been really into it. I think with him it is a confidence issue. I have been encouraging him to get help on this but with not much luck. Getting him to see his doctor was a huge step.

Like I said in my first post, I was mainly venting. I do not believe by normal standards, my DH is even LL. I think it is just that I am extremely High. I do think the confidence issues have bothered him a lot longer than I have known. He is in a dead end job and hates it. We just dug ourselves out of some deep debt and I think he is afraid of returning there. We have recently been through infertility treatment and the like and I think we are both revising what we thought our life is going to be like. I think there are some insecurities on both of our part that since life has not turned out as originally planned, what makes it so certain that we will stay as originally planned? I think he is deeply insecure that I am going to stay. I try to do everything I can to show him, but sometimes I can see it in his eyes, that he is scared I will leave. I am not sure how to make this fear go away. His sister (who is 14 years older) is going through a divorce currently and I think it is affecting him more than he knows. It is almost as if parents were divorcing as they have always been married in my DH's mind.

We actually have great communication I think. We have our moments that are bad, but overall, we really can talk about anything. He is very sensitive and it really bothers him when he thinks he has hurt me in some way. I have actually done much better this time around with letting him know, all is ok. He called a little while ago from work, and I think he is doing ok. The problem is I am usually the one to initiate sex in our relationship and I am not sure how much longer I can do that, not knowing if it is going to be a goodnight or a badnight.

I hope you and your DH do find the answers, as I do for almost all on the board.

Jen

Jen
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Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 1:28pm
I'm in the same situation - although my DH was the HL and I was the LL, it is now turned around and he has such fears of being hurt again and such personal turmoil from being emotinally neglected that it effects almost every area of his life. His normal response when situations become too 'raw' for him is to project like crazy, retreat, get rid of whatever was 'challenging' him, and then move on like everything is alright. He started therapy for himself and has been to 5 sessions so far and last week said that he probably won't go much longer because he isn't learning/hearing anything that he doesn't already know!!! Yes, he's retreating again. Therapy only works if you're willing to feel some pain, dig deep and move through it. I've wished and tried as hard as one person possibly can to will this insight on him. Intellectually he knows, emotionally he is stuck. This is my greatest fear, that he will CHOOSE to remain stuck and nothing will change. Actually that's not true...things will change, because I have done work on myself. I guess it's more accurate to say that my fear is our marriage will not move forward and we could possible lose it. How ironic when he is the one who keeps saying that he is not willing to go back to the way things were with our marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 4:10pm
I understand exactly how you feel. We feel guilty for wanting what our husbands can't give us. And they feel guilty for not satisfying us. I wish I had the answer to this awful situation. I think we both married good men and that they both want to satisfy us, but for whatever reason they are not able to do so. I get angry thinking I'm being manipulated by him being in control of not only the frequency but the activities of sex in our marriage. I'm currently trying to learn how to graciously accept what he is able to give. I've been trying too many years to increase his libido to think that is ever going to work. The man is obviously in love with me, doesn't seem to want anyone else but me, and is a good husband in every other aspect of our marriage. Most weeks he will comply with the three times a week frequency that I feel is minimum. But I'm so tired of the excuses as to why not tonight. I'm sure he is tired of having to explain why not tonight. It seems that all the solutions offered to those of us with clashing libidos is to compromise or implement strategies to try to increase the LL person's libido. Neither of these seem to work. The compromise is dissatisfying and the LL person's libido is only temporarily increased. Its time to buy that turtle. I'm not yet sure what that means for me but as soon as I figure anything out, I'll let you in on the plan.

Robin

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Registered: 02-07-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 4:30pm
I think you hit it on the head. Everything the man does is aimed to please me, but that is where the problem lies. He has got to be pleasing himself, not doing things he does not want to do, in order for me to be happy. Saturday night, I knew when I inititated that he would rather not do anything that night. It was late, he was tired. But me being me, pushed ahead. I almost felt like I deserved what I got that night. If my DH really had some serious problems, such as not respecting me, etc, I think it would be easier to deal with. Then there is a plan of action that can be had. Sometimes I really wish that there was something that I could give him an either / or choice on. Not that I want to leave at all, but I would at least then I would feel like something could be done. Sometimes the problems seem so big to me, but to others, they are nothing. I have a friend who I cannot even discuss this stuff with anymore, as everytime I do she becomes almost angry with me, as she thinks I am creating problems where there should not be problems. I think this all feeds into those thoughts of guilt. At times I feel as if I am not entitiled to the way I feel, but you know what I really am feeling it.

I thought we had found our turtle, but it seems to keep changing. I really think I could live with anything right now, I just need to know what it is so I can prepare and expect it, and react accordingly. Its the not knowing that kills me. And at the same time it kills me that we are both causing each other so much pain and agony that one of us usually goes to bed crying.

I know for us there is a lot of guilt and I wish we could get past it all. He feels guilty that he cannot give me everything I want. I feel guilty that I want to much. We both feel guilty that life is not turning out as we had planned.

Jen

Jen
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 7:27pm
Jen you and I are dealing with the same problem. My husband's low libido has been a factor in my marriage for years but was not always the case. When we first married we essentially both had a high libido. Then there was a short time when birth control pills decreased mine, but I caught on to that and made a change. Then later his libido decreased. By most people's standards, my husband's libido is not low. We generally have sex 2 to 3 times a week. But I want it much more often. He also deals with inconsistent erections. He can always accomplish an erection, but can't always sustain one. Although whenever he loses his erection, he can always get it back. I think this has decreased his confidence. My husband is also very into sex when we have it and tells me almost daily how much he enjoys our sex life. We have good communication. I don't think either of us is a problem. The problem is finding something that works for both of us. I don't think my husband is afraid I will leave him, afterall we have been together for 22 years. I think he is just sad that he doesn't satisfy me and I'm sexually frustrated. Like you, my friends think I'm creating a problem where none exists. But then they complain that their husbands want sex too often, lol.

Something I have noticed is that when my husband initiates sex, I have a higher sense of satisfaction. I think him showing desire for me boosts my confidence. The turtle for us might be him initiating sex without increasing the frequency. Typically I initiate sex 7 days a week and get it 2-3 times a week. This is frustrating both of us. I will generally get aggravated and stop initiating after awhile. Typically when I stop initiating, we stop having sex and I become a bitch. Two weeks ago I stop initiating but maintained my generally caring persona. Last week he initiated sex twice. We only had sex those two times and frankly I'm much more satisfied than when we have had sex more often. I don't think this is a solution for us, as eventually he will get lazy about having sex since I'm not making an issue of it. But I do wonder if the solution for us is me having a sense of being desired by him. And if this is my answer, how do I obtain that sense when he is so resistant to having sex?

Robin

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