Not really ML related, but I feel comfortable here. I need to vent a bit and get opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Not really ML related, but I feel comfortable here. I need to vent a bit and get opinions
13
Fri, 11-25-2011 - 10:47am

As many of you know my Dad passed away suddenly five months ago.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Hi tiptoeing,

My totally off-the-cuff, from-the-gut response is to just let it go. Life is mysterious. Perhaps it's possible to grieve and form a new relationship at the same time, without it being necessarily "unhealthy." Who knows? Her life, her choices. If it's difficult for you to see them together, focus on something else in the room. I'm sure it will get easier with time.

F.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
freelancemomma wrote:
Hi tiptoeing,

My totally off-the-cuff, from-the-gut response is to just let it go. Life is mysterious. Perhaps it's possible to grieve and form a new relationship at the same time, without it being necessarily "unhealthy." Who knows? Her life, her choices. If it's difficult for you to see them together, focus on something else in the room. I'm sure it will get easier with time.

F.

I understand that this situation falls under the category of "things I can't change" and I'm going to have to let it go. Doing that does not make my feelings go away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009

Gosh, I imagine there are a welter of emotions going round here, conflicting and incoherent...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010

I would never say anything to her about how I feel because I love her and wouldn't want to either hurt her or alienate her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009

Tiptoe, I'm really sorry about your dad.

My dad was sick for long time before he died and many of the people from my mother's church did their best to support her. One man in particular went out of his way to drive her to and from services, to go out for coffee and occasionally get groceries. His wife was also sick and when she died, I believe he turned to my mother for additional support. When my dad died, I think this man had an idea that he and my mother could find solace in a new relationship. I never saw that she regarded him as anything but a friend but that guy stuck around...much to the dismay of my family.

And then my mother died unexpectedly just a few months after my father.

Life is short and unpredictable. And now I would have traded as many stepdads as it took to keep my mother with me. I guess I'm just saying there isn't an amount of time that will make you or your stepmother feel better about losing your father. I imagine she would just like to get through a day with something to feel happy about, or at least to feel less pain. Maybe the best thing you could do for her is to tell her you love her and keep the communication open. She may even change her mind.

But I think it would be fair to let her know he won't be 'grandpa.' I'm sure she loves you too so she won't want to hurt you with a 'replacement.' If your brother's discussion with her doesn't get that message across, you may need to be prepared for gentle conversation number two. It should be no big deal. My nieces and nephews call me by my first name. It's sweet.

Anyway, I didn't mean to compare pain. I just wanted to say I'm sorry and to share my story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
I agree that they probably did turn to each other to fill a void left by the loss of their spouses and that them (or anyone for that matter) getting married after only dating each other a few months would not be a good idea. There's no way anyone could really know each other enough to make a commitment like that so soon. If it were my stepmother in this situation, I would talk to her and approach it from that angle. I understand how upset you are about this all happening so soon after your dads death (I would be too) but I think what's most important here is that your stepmom is planning on marrying a man she barely knows. I think she's letting grief and loneliness make a real bad decision for her. Does she have any biological children?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
I have a bit of a different slant on this. My father met a woman in the seniors home soon after my mother passed away. My sisters had some concerns about the woman but I was staunch in the feeling that my dad was an adult and capable of running his life without interference. Well, turned out that would have been the best course of action. She wound up driving a wedge between him and his children and very nearly succeeded in taking everything he owned. Dad came to his senses a few years later and divorced her, then spent days with a lawyer getting all his estate and life insurance handed back to his kids. Lots more to this story than I care to share here but suffice to say it was a nightmare.

Hopefully, the gentleman you stepmother has met is nowhere near the monster my dad's find was, but make sure you check his background. If he is in financial difficulty and you care for the welfare of your stepmother, do NOT be afraid to intervene!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010

The wedding is next Sunday. Approximately 8 weeks since they've met.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Sadly there's not much you can do in this situation except wait for a phone call. Has anyone talked to her about marrying this guy so soon after meeting him? Then again it probably would not matter if she is bound and determined to marry this guy. Unfortunately I think this is just one of those situations that you will have to accept because you have no control over it. She is most likely making a HUGE mistake here, but then again who knows, I guess there's a slim chance that this could actually work out. I do hope she calls you though, but think she may hesitate to call you or your other siblings because she may be afraid of what your all thinking of her right now. Good Luck with however this turns out.

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