on NOT smoking..am I handling this right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
on NOT smoking..am I handling this right?
30
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 1:49pm

DH is 9 days smoke free today.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 4:34pm
I was a smoker for 30 yrs. Finally quit for good 5 years ago. The best advice I can give is don't pressure him about it. He will quit if and when he is ready to quit. And often times that takes feeling the health consequences of smoking. I always wanted to and would quit for a day, but the addiction always overpowered me. I live in a 2 story house with lots of stairs, and it wasn't until I noticed I was starting to feel short of breath by the time I got to the top of the stairs that I told myself I just have to quit. That and my MIL who was a smoker, had just died of lung cancer earlier that year.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 5:04pm
I've never pressured him about it. That's one of the reasons I stay silent when he says these things, I'm afraid that what I say will just be pressure, and that he doesn't need! The only pressure I would put on him is if we get through these hellish few months and then he decides to start back up! I WILL not go quietly down that road. This is not the first time we've been here, at 8 or 10 or 30 days out, with him behaving like a total jerk, and me just putting my head down and trying to get through it. Either smoke or don't smoke, but don't expect to continue to torture me just because you cannot figure out how to stay quit!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 5:16pm
It is a real hard thing to go thru the withdrawals, but I never took them out on anyone (would leave and go for a walk if I felt especially irritable) so maybe just tell him he's being an ass and he needs to go take a walk cause you don't want to deal with him when he's acting up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 11:34am

Sounds to me like he's not really ready to quit smoking.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 1:06pm
You will receive as much crap as you tolerate. I know you fear complaining, in case that triggers him to fal off the wagon. Stop being so manipulative. And stop being so conceited that you think your behavior can control the outcome.

Quitting is hard. That helps you be understanding. But understanding does not require you to ignore his bad behavior. Say something like "I know you are hurting, but please try not to take it out on me. I love you, but even my ability to tolerate your crap has its limits."

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 2:01pm
I'm not attempting to be manipulative. I don't think anything I do or don't do will have any effect, thus my prior comment to him ""I heard you fine, just like I have heard you fine every other time, but you either will, or you won't. It's not something I get any choice about" I'm not avoiding complaining due to anything cigarette related. I just want to know wtf I am SUPPOSED to say to his weird ass threats to smoke. As far as rocking the boat based on the way he is treating me, I have done some of that, but as you all know, even when he's NOT trying to quit smoking, I'm reluctant to call him out for bad behavior. I am removing myself when he's being really awful, and will speak up if I cannot remove myself. I have said to him "look, stop yelling at me. I know you are grouchy but taking it out on me isn't going to get you where you want to go." I've also told him he's being ridiculous and blowing things way out of proportion (when he is.) Mostly I'm just confused by what it is I'm supposed to be doing. Everything on the net just says "be supportive" and then in the absolute next breath says "don't pressure them, make their lives as easy and stress free as possible" Well, I'll be damned if I know how to walk that line. And I will also be damned if I will give him a free pass to be an azzhole just because he's decided he doesn't want to smoke anymore. I just think that sets too much of a dangerous precedent in our case.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 2:40pm

I'm glad you brought this up M, because my SO is trying to quit now as well,a nd I just don;t know what to say to him sometimes. In the beginning he asked me to not bring it up, but he does bring it up and then we talk about it, until he moves on. The last thing I want to do is namg, and we are LDR so its not like he can be snotty to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 4:35pm
Thanks deedle, it's nice to know I'm not the only who's lost about how to be "supportive" on this one. I mean they tell you not to "pressure" them, and to reduce the stress, etc etc, but they don't tell you exactly HOW to do it. I mean, I feel like I'm walking through a mine field. If he brings it up, I'm inside my own head going "if I encourage him, tell him how great he is doing, will that be pressure? Or is that what he's looking for? Or am I supposed to tell him I don't care and I love him no matter what? Or am I supposed to tell him I DO care? Or...or or..uh...sh$&...WTF!!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 6:56pm
Exactly!!!! I know how hard he is trying and when he does smoke (he did not go cold turkey) what am I supposed to say? I just don't know what my role is here and it's constantly changing
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 10:27am

Aw, Miranda!

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