OK, I gotta question here....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
OK, I gotta question here....
32
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 9:08am

I'm in the middle of a divorce, been alone for over 2 years now, and I've had it, so I've decided to start dating again.  At what point should I maybe mention that I have a pretty high grade sex drive?  The last time I dated I was 23 and everyone was horny all the time, but now I'm going to probably be dating some men in their 30's and 40's, and I hear rumors that there's a lot of men that age that don't want to have sex all the time.  My STBX is bipolar, so he would swing back and forth from hypersexual to asexual at the drop of a dime, which is pretty confusing, though not as traumatic as the rest of it.  Also, does anyone have any insight into just HOW I'm supposed to find someone who both loves to have sex AND is not A) crazy B) doesn't only wants a sexual relationship and C) will not think I'm a slutty mess???  It's maybe a little more awkward for a woman because everyone just expects men to want to have sex all the time, while people tend to think women are doing men a favor.  It's so weird!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 1:47pm

As Elvis said welcome to my world. Ah the dating world. Well you'll find a couple of interesting things. You're separated so you will have a big S on your forehead. Women will have it a little easier as men are not usually as gun shy there. For men the S is a bigger challenge.

As far as sex that's a bit of a touchy subject. As a man I find I need to tip toe there. If you mention it too soon well that can be an issue. By the same token you don't want to find out too late what your dealing with. My trick here is to ask at some point this question, "How important or vital do you think sex is to a good relationship?" You can then try to guage your potential suitor from their reaction. 

 

Hope this helps.

Dirty

 

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 5:02pm
There is no magic answer. All life is risk. You raise the issue when it makes sense for you. If the guy freaks out, he isn't the right guy for you. Yes, I know, he might seem like he could be the perfect guy - except for the sex part. But if we have learned anything here on this forum over the years, it is that someone who is "perfect, except for the sex" is far far from perfect.

I agree with the risk that if you admit to being HL, you are going to attract selfish horn dogs. Your job is to weed them out. Pretending not to be HL is a bad method for doing that. You need to have confidence that you can actively weed out users.

And as for a guy thinking you are promiscuous, shame on him. If he wants a HL woman, he should expect her to not be a virgin. If he looks down on you for being HL, he is the wrong guy for you. If he doesn't trust that you can be both HL and faithful (within a committed relationship), then he isn't the guy for you.

Don't feel bad if a guy dumps you for being too HL. You will get revenge. He will most likely end up with a LL partner, and he will pay the price for passing on you out of fear that your HL would prevent you from being faithful. He'll be stuck with a LL who is realiably faithful because she isn't interested in sex. Hah, joke is on him!

When you see it coming, duck!

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 7:36pm

There is no easy answer. But this is the time to enjoy sex,seduction,and fun.  A relationship is not something to pursue until a year or so after the divorce is final.  In this culture many people who rush into relationships quickly after divorce find that they rue that choice.  It is easy to mislead your self.  Not only that but many people show HL until marriage then turn LL after the marriage.  Because their real sexual self is LL or asexual.  There is not many ways to predict how you and they will interact in a committed relationship.  Date several men at the same time.  Do not waste time with serial monogamy.  But take time for your self.

    Negotiations are full of lies even when people have a idea of self that is inaccurate.  Each man will be different.  Think of the max and minimum sexual times that you would want sex.  How you want it.  How long and what priority is the sexual relationship in you value system. 

   Experience will be your guide.  The slut question.  That really says more about the man than it does you.  Many men are intimidated by sexual women because they too had myths.  Men get these myths in this culture.  They get the nice girl vs the bad girl.  Worse women do it to themselves too.  There are people who are sexual athletes until marriage as there value system refutes sex in marriage( yeah strange)  Read the posts. 

   IMO after time has passed and your emotions have leveled then think of a relationship.  In those negotiations lay down the law on what you want and expect.  Hold nothing back. 

 

 

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 9:25pm

Don't feel bad if a guy dumps you for being too HL. You will get revenge. He will most likely end up with a LL partner, and he will pay the price for passing on you out of fear that your HL would prevent you from being faithful. He'll be stuck with a LL who is realiably faithful because she isn't interested in sex. Hah, joke is on him!

ITA.  Society needs to embrace women's sexuality, and not be threatened by it.  This is what leads to sex education being "sex negative" for girls, some girls absorb that but other girls don't and are still curious about sex.  I was one of the former, and it makes marriages and LTRs difficult for both parties.  Men also learn about the "girl to have fun with vs. the girl to bring home to mom".  Why can't you bring the same girl that you have fun with home to mom?

We have to smash the "madonna -whore" syndrome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 12:05am
Lol, we had sex education in school, but it was all about using protection so we didn't get AIDS, not "don't have sex." I've always enjoyed sex, but I've never been unfaithful in a LTR. Maybe that was a problem in my marriage, since my ex truly believed I couldn't really be happy with just one man. I didn't want to have sex with anyone else; if I love someone, I don't even notice other men exist, other than to gauge if they might be good matches for my single friends. I want ice cream everyday, but it makes me fat; I want sex everyday, too, but all it does is make me a happier person. I thought for a while there that I'd lost all desire for sex, but it was my ex's lack of grooming, affection, and response that was the real problem. Now that he's out of my life, I feel like the "old me" is back, and she's ready to, well, you get the picture.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 1:19am

 

You are right!

Society in general is anti-sex and that goes double for women's sexuality.  All the negative sayings that girls get about sex have to be a big problem when they become sexual.

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 10:08am

I think one good thing about being older is that we don't have to worry about being the girl that the guy is going to want to bring home to mom any more.  By my age, it's more about meeting the guy's kids than his mom.  lol  Also, if marriage isn't a goal then you can feel more free to have different kinds of relationships.  It's tricky though.  I was talking about this kind of subject w/ a male friend.  he would meet women from OLD sites & take them to lunch for the 1st meet so they wouldn't feel any pressure to have sex or even do anything physical, then he was kind of surprised when some of them were agressively kissing him.  then a female friend said that we women don't know what to do because if you're not having sex with the guy on the 3rd date, then they guy is complaining that you're a prude.  It's really a minefield.  I would really hope that middle aged men no longer have the concept that women who have sex = slut.  What I think is hard to avoid is the man who is happy that the woman likes sex but wants more than just a sexual relationship because it's hard to find out if that is the case if you start having sex right away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 4:20pm
Well, that's my worry, men who think I just want sex because I actually enjoy having sex and am a fairly passionate person when it comes to certain things. I don't want to end up in one sex-only thing after another, as that tends to be pretty unsatisfying after a while. I'm also not looking for my next husband, either, though if I met someone I wouldn't turn down the opportunity for love, but I'd sure as heck take it slow at this point.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 4:35pm
I think you will find your problem is going to be the opposite. I don't think you will have trouble identifying the men who are only interested in sex. I think you will find it difficult to scrape off the men who want to become surgically attached at the hip after they get to know you. Once the men figure out you are genuinely interested in having lots of high quality sex, you are going to have more marriage proposals than you know what to do with.

When you see it coming, duck!

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 7:02pm

Be prepared for all the changes that will occur.  There is plenty of time for finding out the values a male would place on the relationship.  Most are not ready until time has passed from the divorce.  Rushing into a relationship is not advised.  Having a lover or two may give the time to adjust while taking care of the sexual part.  That is also why I strongly suggest dating several so one cannot come on strong yet prove unsatisfying.

Goldfish

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