OK, I gotta question here....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
OK, I gotta question here....
32
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 9:08am

I'm in the middle of a divorce, been alone for over 2 years now, and I've had it, so I've decided to start dating again.  At what point should I maybe mention that I have a pretty high grade sex drive?  The last time I dated I was 23 and everyone was horny all the time, but now I'm going to probably be dating some men in their 30's and 40's, and I hear rumors that there's a lot of men that age that don't want to have sex all the time.  My STBX is bipolar, so he would swing back and forth from hypersexual to asexual at the drop of a dime, which is pretty confusing, though not as traumatic as the rest of it.  Also, does anyone have any insight into just HOW I'm supposed to find someone who both loves to have sex AND is not A) crazy B) doesn't only wants a sexual relationship and C) will not think I'm a slutty mess???  It's maybe a little more awkward for a woman because everyone just expects men to want to have sex all the time, while people tend to think women are doing men a favor.  It's so weird!!

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 12:14am

"What I find frustrating is that people just assume that I'm not being honest or the "real" me, or that I'm "doing them a favor" and don't actually enjoy whatever it is I'm doing.  I guess a lot of men assume that women, all of us, just don't like sex?  Or that I'm just pretending to be interested in sex so that I can make them like me?"

IMO I think that for many men have been under the "NO" theory.  A woman says no until she allows sex..  If that is the case a male can be off his expectations.   His experience with someone who says yes may have been none existent.  Yes, many women do put up "dating tease".   Some men don't bother trying with out clear signals as they have been conditioned by PCism.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 7:28pm

I've never understood the point of pretending to be anyone other than who I am; it's way too much work and I'm far too lazy to bother with all of that.  Being honest, to me, is a lot easier, cause then I don't have to try to remember anything.  I have enough to do in the course of my day as it is.  What I find frustrating is that people just assume that I'm not being honest or the "real" me, or that I'm "doing them a favor" and don't actually enjoy whatever it is I'm doing.  I guess a lot of men assume that women, all of us, just don't like sex?  Or that I'm just pretending to be interested in sex so that I can make them like me?  It's weird.  Besides, the only games I like are football, Scramble and Words with friends, and the Olympics, lol.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 1:39pm

Evil & hold are oh so right.  Be who you are in truth to yourself.  Expect others to be who they really are.  Too many people enter into relationships by way of fraud.  Men do too.  I recall an op who said that she would be his(her fiance) "little porn star" until marriage then she intended to be the LL she really was.  Men who trick themselves into being the proverbial "mink" to win a woman fall into the same mental, emotional,dishonesty. 

   Learn to trust your body's message.  Sometimes it is within us that we have a feeling that something about a person is not "right".  

dragowoman

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 10:02am
Hear hear. Be yourself. The worst part of my marriage was when I tried to be someone I am not, and hid who I am from Mrs. Hold. Now I mostly am who I am. Not who she wants, and that hurts, but at least I am not "in the closet" about who I am. Which hurt more.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 2:54pm

All I know is that as you move thru this world the most unfair thing you can do is pretend to be someone you're not.  Unfair to yourself and to others.   If you're a sexual creature you need to be honest about it and certianly if you're not you need to be honest about that as well.   I think if you're honest and some guy doesn't understand then he probably isn't the man fo you.   Just saying.   Right now is a time in your life to see who you are and to be who you are, not hide it.  People always say that they want someone who loves them for who they are and the first thing we do is hide who we really are.  Wish you all the luck in your journey but the first step is announcing who you are.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 6:07pm
Have faith that you will not allow yourself to be controlled by someone who dribbles out affection, sex or anything else. A guy can't give more than he has. But once you get the sense that he is holding back simply to be manipulative, time to call him on it. If he can't / won't open the floodgates within a reasonable time (3 to 6 months is more than reasonable), time to leave. You cannot be "used" unless you allow yourself to be. Do not make excuses for your partner. There is a reason why the sex or affection stops. They may not know what it is, but if they want you in their life, they should be pretty darn motivated to figure it out. If they don't seem to be trying to fix it (yes, because it bothers you - which is more than reason enough for it to bother him), that is all you need to know. Time to pull the plug.

Not easy to do in marriage #1, especially if there are kids. inexcusable to not do in subsequent marriages. You owe it to yourself to cull viciously.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 4:36pm
If only I were smart enough to use sex to get what I wanted!! Lolol, it never even occurs to me, hehe. I just like to have sex, though I do know that for some men, they just can't wrap their minds around that and therefore are always suspicious of me, my ex being one of them. You'd think after all those years, he would've "gotten" a clue, but since HE did use sex to manipulate ME, I guess he figured I was the same way. I think that's what I'm afraid of, really. Meeting someone, liking them a lot, and then having them use not just sex, but also affection, as a means to control me. That's no fun.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 1:14pm
The key is to have the correct perspective.

As others have said, if you scare away a guy by admitting you are HL, that is his loss. For you, it is a win. You have weeded out a poor match quickly and without much investment. Well done.

If a guy is only with you for the sex, well, what are you in the sex for? If you aren't getting fulfillment (and at that I am speaking more emotionally than just about orgasm - although orgasms are nice too!), then why are you having sex? The sex should be for you, so even if the sex was "only" about the sex, that should be a net positive for you. If you are "paying" with sex to get something else, like emotional attachment, well, then you are being manipulative / dishonest and you can't complain if that doesn't lead to happiness. If you are properly selfish in what you require of a partner before you have sex with them, then there shouldn't be regrets about anyone you had sex with. At worst it is "fun while it lasted", and too bad it didn't become more than that.

So while I understand your fears, and they are quite common, on further reflection they are baseless. As long as YOU do not become too emotionally invested in any particular guy, you don't have to worry about his reaction. Focus on the part that you control. His reaction is his to own, and as I said before, if he reacts in a way you don't like, his loss.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 8:41pm

Lol, I really had to laugh when I read this, because I actually don't expect most of that stuff, hehe.  I'd be happy with someone who liked to have sex, brushed their teeth everyday, showered, changed their clothes, and maybe most of the time hit the hamper with their dirty clothes.  Someone who didn't scream, yell, curse, break my stuff, threaten me and my kids, demean me and call me stupid, and insult my friends and family everytime he saw them.  I would love someone who would watch football with me, work out with me,  and go out to do fun stuff, like rike motorcycles or go to the beach, which is only 30 miles from my front door.  Even better if he had a life of his own so I could go do things with my friends without him tagging along every time or insisting on spending every waking moment glued to my side so I couldn't have a free moment, see my family, or go grocery shopping alone.  Above all, I'd like someone who wouldn't spend his free time getting wasted, high, and passing out in the back yard.  I don't think that's unrealistic, is it??  Too much to ask for?  My expectations are so low at this point, considering I've spent the last 16 years living with a manipulative, insecure, bipolar, verbally and emotionally abusive, on and off again drug user, that Al Bundy looks like a pretty great guy to me at this point, except for his lack of sex drive.  Burping, farting, butt scratching, hanging out with the guys every Friday at the titty bar?  Wouldn't even phase me so long as I was important enough in his life for him to know the perfect birthday gift would be tickets to see my team or favorite band, or new riding pants, because that's what I said I wanted, not the first thing he saw when he ran into Walmart 15 minutes before I was going to be waking up.  Oh, and a "thank you" every so often for spending 3 hours cooking your favorite meal after working a 60 hour work week would be great.  As for mind reading, I'm horrible at it and just tell people what I want since it's so much easier.  Like, I want you to wash the dishes because you haven't done that since 2001, and maybe it's your turn, since you don't have a job and have been sitting on the couch for the last 16 hours playing a video game while I was working and the kids, who have 3 hours of homework, were at school?  Sadly, some of the nicest things men have done for me in the last few years was to clean the bug guts off of my motorcycle visor so I wouldn't wreck on the way home, or bring me my favorite candy bar when he came to watch a movie at my house, and I got teary eyed both times, so I'm not exactly hard to please or expecting all that much, hehe.

Also, the only thing I expect sex to cure is my lack of sex!  Love is a choice you make every day, romantic love is nothing but hormones and other chemicals your body releases at the beginning of a relationship, and it doesn't last all that long nor does it make you "happy."  Being able to hang out with a man you really like who also happens to like getting naked with you is a lot more enjoyable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 1:40pm

Perhaps 10 men. The key is to "receive" the data without the wishful thinking filters that operate in all of us.

F.

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