Once a month?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2008
Once a month?
Mon, 03-18-2013 - 8:26pm

My fiance and I have been together for over 6 years, and living together for over two. When we first got together we were in college, we are now in our mid-twenties. Where once we were having sex four times a week, we are now having sex barley once a month. This has been a gradual progression over the 6 years, but to me once a month for sex is just not enough. Especially since we are still so young. I get very frustrated with the finace because when I try to bring it up to him he acts like it's no big deal. After all, we're both very busy working a lot, and he's tied at the end of the day. As fine as that may be, I feel like he doesn't try to rekindle the passion we use to have. I feel embarrassed because I have gained a lot of weight in the past three years, and my body image makes me uncomfortable. I know every couple goes through slumps, but the slippery slope only seems to be going in one direction. I need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 03-19-2013 - 9:25am

It's hard to know what the problem is because it could be many things. Sometimes men need their testosterone and other hormonal levels checked. If a person's unhappy with the treatment by their partner, such as feeling disrespected or ignored, then this is a sex drive killer. Don't marry this man until you can establish an open line of communication with him. Tell him you can't live a life of frustration with so little sex. Your happiness is a big deal. Tell him that you two, as a team, need to get to the root of the problem. Ask him how if there's anything he'd like to happen to improve the relationship. Ask him what it is that makes him feel most loved in the relationship. Ask him if he's having second thoughts about getting married, or if he's totally confident about it. Let him talk without interuption and really listen.

If he doesn't open up and you can't get answers, insist on pre-marital counseling. Ask him to get medical tests. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 03-19-2013 - 5:15pm

I hate to say this because in an ideal relationship you wouldn't think that your partner would think less of you if you have gained weight, but since you brought it up--you say that you gained "a lot" of weight.  Now I don't know what that means to you.  For some women it might mean 20 lbs.  But I'm thinking that to me, "a lot" might mean 50, 75 or more lbs.  Maybe your fiance doesn't want to say anything because he loves you and doesn't want to seem like a shallow jerk, but maybe it has affected his desire for you.  And I say this as a woman who could stand to lose weight myself, so I"m not judging you.  Also if you feel uncomfortable about your body, it probably translates to him too.  I do think it's abnormal for a guy still in his 20's not to want sex more than once a month if there is nothing medically wrong with him.  Sure you might both work a lot, but come on--what about weekends, when you aren't tired?  How is the rest of your relationship?  Does he still seem to care for you?  People's feelings can change a lot from college through their 20's.  Do you think he might have fallen out of love with you but feels that since you live together & are engaged, he doesn't know how to get out of it?  I'm sorry to be suggesting bad things here, but I do agree that you should not get married until this is resolved, unless you want a sexless marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2011
Tue, 03-19-2013 - 10:54pm

There are so many things you could work on here. One is your own self confidence. You can be a heavier woman and still feel good about yourself and feel sexy. If you feel sexy he'll want to have more sex. If you're hoping that sex will make you feel sexy, you're pushing some of that responsibility onto your guy. Maybe try a fun exercise class to boost your energy, make you feel healthier and raise endorphins. Then use that energy to entice him more than just once per month. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 12:19am


Hi. Be glad you aren't married to him. Unfortunately, from hearing the stories of other people, substantial discrepancies in sex drive are rarely resolvable. The person who doesn't want sex still ends up not wanting it. They might say the right words under pressure, but when it comes time to put their words into action, they don't.

 If you're involved with someone who doesn't like sushi or tennis when you do, you can find someone else to join you. However, it's still socially unacceptable and rather complicated to do that if you want sex and your partner doesn't.

So, regrettably, IMO, you're better off ending things with your fiance. These situations don't have a better, smoother resolution.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 03-27-2013 - 2:21pm

Have you asked if your weight gain is the reason he's no longer making sex a priority?  Trust me, I'm not judging you, either - I'm trying to lose more than I've already lost myself, so more than anything I understand you.  My DH tormented me for many years because I had gained, think of a way he could have punished me and he likely did it.  If your weight is bugging YOU, that's one story - it can make you feel really bad about yourself, and losing can make you feel pretty darned good about yourself.  But do it for YOU, for your health, if you do it at all.  Right now you don't seem to know what the heck he's thinking, so it's important to have a direct talk about it.  You know something here is not right, how can you work things out unless you talk it through?  Leaving it as it is is causing a lot of anxiety, isn't it?