One solution?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
One solution?
21
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 6:56pm

The purpose of telling this story is I guess to see how weird and twisted people think my relationship is with my wife? I don’t know I am not complaining or asking for advice, just hoping for feedback.

 I am 48 and my wife is 24, we have been married almost 3 years, she is from SE Asia and works here in the medical profession. I am a little over weight but active enough to do sports (tennis, basketball etc.) with my young wife, we have been very happy. About a year ago my wife asked me if everything was ok, she asked because our sex had dropped from every couple of days to once a week, sometimes less than once a week. We have enjoyed a very wonderful sex life in our time together. My wife really loves sex, but she likes really passionate, almost rough sex, and that is not for me, I like things slow and romantic.

 I was thinking about my wife and her life having chosen to marry me so young, she had limited sex experience before me. One day after sex she admitted to me that she had a dream that she was having sex with Tom Brady! We talked about it in detail and it was exciting, even for me.

 To make a long story short, I met a younger man (29) through a work luncheon, and somehow got to know him personally. Over a period of a few weeks he told me (via email) about his marital woes and for some reason I told him about my wife wanting a lot more sex than I could provide her (the opposite of his problem.)  So an idea developed, having very open communication with my wife, I asked her if she would be interested in having sex with my new friend? This was very upsetting to my wife, but a few weeks later she asked me if I was really serious? After several conversations (listening to my theory on humans and monogamy) my wife decided she would at least meet my friend the next time we had lunch.

 Fast forward to today, for the past 10 or 11 months my wife and the young gentleman have been meeting for sex. First it was about every other week, now it has slipped to once a month. They both enjoy crazy wild sex, the kind that I don’t.

 We did create a few rules to keep us safe from STD’s or someone getting hurt (emotionally). My relationship and sex life with my wife has only improved. I feel secure in my relationship with my wife and that our marriage is not threatened in any way, my wife seems very grateful for allowing her this “extra curriculum activity” she calls it.

I feel we are extremely honest with each other, and love each other very much. As long as everyone is comfortable I suspect this will go on for quite some time, I don’t know?

 Yes, the young Gentleman is cheating on his wife, but honestly I feel like that is between him and his wife not my concern.

 So are we crazy? What are your thought?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Mon, 01-21-2013 - 7:41pm

  Hi I agree that you have found a way to balance your life.  It is a very smart solution. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 11:19am

Hi Xxxs,

Thanks for the kind words! To be honest, I expected to be really beaten up on these boards because it's easy to find flaw in what my wife and I are doing, however people have surprised me in how open minded they can be. We have actually enjoyed some unexpected benefits from this arrangement and it may seem hard to believe. We communicate on a whole different level now, not just about sex, but other relationship issues and that is huge, especially considering we have not only a large age gap but also cultural hurdles at times. Besides  our communication, we are having sex more often, I am not really sure why, you would think we would be having less sex? I was expecting my wife to be happier, but I didn't think that I would also be happier, weird.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 7:42pm

Roy,

I don't see a flaw in what you guys are doing if it works for both of you.

Sounds like your relationship is just getting better and better. Having that schedule seems to make it work out for you too and having good communication, at least imo is very important.

As to being beaten up on the boards, I would think in today's world people are more focused on their relationships then what the other guy is doing, so I wouldn't worry about what other people think about yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Thu, 01-31-2013 - 5:10pm
I would be curious as to why your wife wanted his home telephone number. I feel eventually, you'll all be caught as, unfortunately, the man's wife always finds out. You also don't mention if there's children involved which would give more question to your "fun."
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Fri, 02-01-2013 - 9:32am

On another note, I discussed your situation at book club last night.  It was unanimous that this arrangement is not fair to his wife (obviously) as she has not consented to this arrangement. 

Inevitably, he'll be found out.  If you find that you notice a difference in your wife, then his wife will probably see a difference in his behavior as well.

I believe you've found a short-term solution to what will eventually be a long-term problem.  You've basically opened Pandora's Box and I would suspect that once you've wetted your wife's appetite, she'll want more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
Sun, 02-10-2013 - 7:15pm

Lisa, thank you for your response. My wife didn't specifically want his home phone number. The only way they communicate is via email and on the days they meet he calls her but the "ID" of the caller is blocked. I actually asked the young man about this, he said he didn't want to get a phone call or text from my wife when he was at home. I can under stand that, given his position. I don't like that he is cheating on his wife, I don't like it at all. I actually agree with you, some day he will be caught and the game will be over. Based on what the young man has told me, I suspect that his wife is having an afair, it's pretty clear to me but he doesn't see it. The young man has grade school aged kids, my kids are young adults and have not lived with me since their mother and I divorced.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
Sun, 02-10-2013 - 7:32pm

Lisa, wow, the "book club" would have been fun, I would love to have been a fly on the wall!!  I hope you will elaborate more on how I have opened "Pandora's Box" it's fastinating to me!! Some day this arrangement with the young man will end. When that day comes, we will start the process of finding someone new, together. It won't be easy, the person has to be someone that won't make me feel threatened (our relationship) but at the same time has to be good looking and close to her age. It's going to be tough, we are both hoping the arrangement with the current young man can go on for as long as possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Mon, 02-11-2013 - 4:20pm
You would have loved to have been a fly on that wall! Lots of interesting perspectives. By Pandora's Box, I was referring to the fact that once your wife has a taste of sex with a young, good looking man, she will continue to need that. Unfortunately, I see years ahead of you of feeding your wife's appetite. Soon it will get tiring for you as you put forth the energy of finding new partners. Do you both plan on having children together? If so, I would imagine that might cap her interests for awhile. As for the young man's wife, it would be great if both he and his wife were honest enough to admit to each other that they are both seeking sex outside the marriage. That sounds rather odd to me in that the wife is not engaging in enough sex with the husband and may be looking outside the marriage while the husband is indicating that he's not receiving enough sex or perhaps the type of sex he wants. Possibly because she is giving it to someone else. My guess is that this relationship will last a few more months. All sex becomes tiresome if there's nothing else to back it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
Mon, 02-11-2013 - 7:00pm

Lisa, you may be right, my wife may now have a taste for this lifestyle. She may also be in for some dissapointment because based on what she tells me about her time with the young man, he really brings it. Also her being completely wipped out cooberates her story's of climax after climax. I highly doubt the next young man will perform like that, in fact I think it is extreamly unusual and lucky for her.  Like you, it seems like to me that the young man's marriage is doomed, but he tells me all is well on the home front but he is not overly forthcoming with details, so we'll see? I wonder if we should end our arrangement when/if the day comes the young man is no longer with his wife??? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Fri, 02-15-2013 - 6:16pm
Roy, in my note above I actually meant that I would guess that your wife's arrangement will probably only last a few more months. Even really great sex will lose its appeal if there's not any emotional connection as that's ultimately what we all strive for, even those that just want more sex. I would guess that if the young man were to separate or divorce from his wife, you may then worry that your wife will find him even that much more attractive.