One solution?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
One solution?
21
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 6:56pm

The purpose of telling this story is I guess to see how weird and twisted people think my relationship is with my wife? I don’t know I am not complaining or asking for advice, just hoping for feedback.

 I am 48 and my wife is 24, we have been married almost 3 years, she is from SE Asia and works here in the medical profession. I am a little over weight but active enough to do sports (tennis, basketball etc.) with my young wife, we have been very happy. About a year ago my wife asked me if everything was ok, she asked because our sex had dropped from every couple of days to once a week, sometimes less than once a week. We have enjoyed a very wonderful sex life in our time together. My wife really loves sex, but she likes really passionate, almost rough sex, and that is not for me, I like things slow and romantic.

 I was thinking about my wife and her life having chosen to marry me so young, she had limited sex experience before me. One day after sex she admitted to me that she had a dream that she was having sex with Tom Brady! We talked about it in detail and it was exciting, even for me.

 To make a long story short, I met a younger man (29) through a work luncheon, and somehow got to know him personally. Over a period of a few weeks he told me (via email) about his marital woes and for some reason I told him about my wife wanting a lot more sex than I could provide her (the opposite of his problem.)  So an idea developed, having very open communication with my wife, I asked her if she would be interested in having sex with my new friend? This was very upsetting to my wife, but a few weeks later she asked me if I was really serious? After several conversations (listening to my theory on humans and monogamy) my wife decided she would at least meet my friend the next time we had lunch.

 Fast forward to today, for the past 10 or 11 months my wife and the young gentleman have been meeting for sex. First it was about every other week, now it has slipped to once a month. They both enjoy crazy wild sex, the kind that I don’t.

 We did create a few rules to keep us safe from STD’s or someone getting hurt (emotionally). My relationship and sex life with my wife has only improved. I feel secure in my relationship with my wife and that our marriage is not threatened in any way, my wife seems very grateful for allowing her this “extra curriculum activity” she calls it.

I feel we are extremely honest with each other, and love each other very much. As long as everyone is comfortable I suspect this will go on for quite some time, I don’t know?

 Yes, the young Gentleman is cheating on his wife, but honestly I feel like that is between him and his wife not my concern.

 So are we crazy? What are your thought?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Mon, 01-21-2013 - 7:41pm

  Hi I agree that you have found a way to balance your life.  It is a very smart solution. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sat, 01-19-2013 - 3:02pm

<<Why not just accept the idea that we where born with the urge to breed>>

It's not that I disapprove of what you and your wife are doing. I don't. I just thought it was amusing that she's bring Catholicism into it.

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 4:36pm

Happy,
Thank you, we are all pretty happy for now, but it has not been perfect. When my wife meets the young man it's an all day event (due to the distance and logistics), very physical, passionate and romping. My wife is physically spent when I see her that evening, not to mention sore and flat wore out. As per our rules, I always know when they are meeting just so there is no secret stuff going on, but this causes me to think about sex more than usual. Thinking about sex gets me wanting sex and of course it takes my wife usually 2 days if not 3 to recover. And so about a month or so into this thing I got pissed off and almost ended our little set up. Fortunately, I decided to just tell my exact feelings on the matter and see what she had to say. Together we came up with a plan, we started putting on the calendar when we would have sex.  Of course our romantic night is never immediately following a day with the young man. This has worked out really well, in fact sometimes I plan what I am going to do sexually and wow, it has been a lot of fun. We are having sex more often now.

My wife almost ended this arrangement around Thanksgiving, because she requested the young mans phone number and he wouldn't give it to her (we have his personal email and work phone#) when he does call her the number is blocked. We talked about it and I reminded her that he has someone at home that knows nothing about this whole deal.


I guess I would credit this situation with improving our communication now that I think about it..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 2:01pm

If it is working for your relationship then it is between you, your wife and the other man.

I agree it is a shame that the other man is married and is cheating on his wife. But again, that is his problem not yours.

It sounds like you guys are happy with your marriage and the extra lover, so who really cares what anyone else thinks.

I agree you are an unusual husband and in her golden days she will look back on this time as no other would.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 12:13am

Dear F,

Perhaps she is Catholic enough not to get an abortion, but not so Catholic she would rule out adultery. It took some doing to talk her into this, but she is enjoying it now. At some point most marriages face infidelity, it’s because humans are not really designed for monogamy.  I was married for 17 years to my first wife, she is a wonderful person, but she couldn’t resist the urge every 3 or 4 years to have some extra fun.

 

Why not just accept the idea that we where born with the urge to breed, maybe it’s not bad as long as we can talk about it, lay out what would make you uncomfortable or jealous, create some rules and boundaries, and hope for the best.

 

When my wife is old (she is going to outlive me by a long shot) I want her to look back and recall that the best time of her life was with me, her first husband, who loved her like no other!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 7:59pm

<<My wife is catholic so if it happens there will be no obortion.>>

Sorry, but I had to smile at this. I didn't know about the branch of Catholicism that condones adultery but prohibits abortion.

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 5:45pm

71bri, Thanks for responding. To be honest I don't like that the young man is cheating on his wife, however probably what makes this possible is that he has done a good job of convincing me that he would never leave his wife and bust up their family. In some ways I think he is fortunate to have run into this situation in that my wife won't be falling in love and trying to destroy his family. It's very discreet, he gets friendship and sex, and I think we are all three comfortable with the set up.  I don't consider our marriage to be an open marriage, my wife would in no way consider allowing me to have sex with another woman, she said she could not handle that ever. That is fine with me, I am getting all I can handle now anyways..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 5:29pm

Musiclover, thank you for your reply, I was starting to think my story which is very real, not make-believe,  was to much for this message board. I am not the jealous type, never have been. I actually enjoy the days that my wife meets her young man, because she is always bubbly happy, and even more sweet and loving than usual. Maybe it's science or maybe she feels guilty, I don't know but it's something I look forward to. Yes, it is possible my wife could fall for the younger man, however given her cultural background I seriously doubt it would happen. We talked about this in great detail before this ever got going and the conversation continues. Now more than ever I am not worried about that. I admit that the first month or so I looked for how many times they spoke on the phone and I even snooped on my wife's email, I was looking for secrets, none..  I tend to communicate more with the young man than my wife.

As for my wife getting pregnant, yup, it could happen, we have talked about it. She is on BC pills since this started and as part of our rules, she has to use other BC methods if she misses a day or something. My wife is catholic so if it happens there will be no obortion, we hope that will not happen, but if it does, I will be a dad again and it was ment to be I guess? That is our "a" and "b" plan..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 1:04pm

As for you and your wife, as long as you both are OK with the situation and the rules are followed, it sounds like a good fit.  The only snag I see is this guy cheating on his wife, obviously she didn't get the memo as to what is going on.  Yes, you may feel it is between him and his wife, but you and your wife are involved.  Have you though about the what if she finds out, will she just take it out on him, or will she be crazy enough to go after your wife, and / or both of you?  It may become your concern really quick if she finds out.

IMO a better fit may be another couple were everyone is one the same page.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 1:04pm

As for you and your wife, as long as you both are OK with the situation and the rules are followed, it sounds like a good fit.  The only snag I see is this guy cheating on his wife, obviously she didn't get the memo as to what is going on.  Yes, you may feel it is between him and his wife, but you and your wife are involved.  Have you though about the what if she finds out, will she just take it out on him, or will she be crazy enough to go after your wife, and / or both of you?  It may become your concern really quick if she finds out.

IMO a better fit may be another couple were everyone is one the same page.