Opposite Sex Drives

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2002
Opposite Sex Drives
7
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 4:25pm

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 18 months, 15 of those we have been living together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 4:50pm

...end the relationship...be fair, be honest...and, as honest as you'll be, he'll still think there is something he can do to fix you...it's possible he'll look you in the eye and say "it's ok, you're perfect just as you are" while he's thinking "if I can just find the position or technique or after we marry it'll get better or after the job is less stressful..."...(or whatever other reason he can come up with...this will just get worse and worse and worse and worse and worse...end the relationship...

...having said that, yes I have been in a relationship like this...I am right now...married, 10 years...we worked out a compromise that no matter what (barring an emergency or serious (serious) illness, we have sex at least once a day, every day...he's 64...he's not slowing down..he's never been ill enough to not want to have sex even if he has a cold and we can't kiss......let me say this again...every day no matter what...we have sex at least once a day...and, this is our compromise...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 4:55pm

The choices are simple:

1) Learn to enjoy it even if it's just because it brings him joy.

2) End the relationship.

Any other choice will only cause much more pain and heartache down the road.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 4:10am

Congratulations to both of you in being upfront and seeking to address this now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 9:24am

Sounds like you know yourself well, he knows himself well, and those Venn diagram circles just aren't overlapping very much. I know you'd like to sweep this under the rug and assume that everything will "just work itself out," but I can give you a money-back guarantee that it won't. Over time he will grow more and more dissatisfied with the lack of creative sexual expression in your relationship, even if you "put out" with a smile. You, in turn, will grow less and less enthusiastic about

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 9:34am
Jenn,

I think you need to read a bunch of the posts here and realize that they are what your future looks like if you stay with this guy. You aren't right for each other, and I am sure you will make great friends, but unless you are willing to either A.) Endure regular heartache in both directions because you are not well matched, or B.) Consider seriously outside the box solutions like non-monogamy, you would be better off to break up now and leave both of you free to find other relationships that would be fulfilling to you. Sexual fulfillment is one of the very few things that most people find to be non-negotiable over the long haul. You can have fun going to flea markets, or bowling, or watching baseball with friends, and your spouse won't mind (at least not if it's reasonable) but if you try to have sex with someone else, your spouse is likely to flip out. Don't sex be the thing you aren't compatible about. You can't easily hire it out or get it elsewhere.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 9:59am
I have given the following advice in the past, and I think it applies to you as well:

If I were you, I would thank your boyfriend profusely. Thank him for for the time you spent together. Thank him for helping you discover the variety of human experience. Then leave.

Do not complain. Do not whine and moan. Do not beg him to change for you. Smile and thank him for what has been a great experience. Thank him for helping you to learn more about yourself and more about what you want in a relationship. Then thank him for understanding that you guys aren't right for each other and wish him well in finding someone more compatible with him.

After all, isn't this what dating is for? To find out what kind of relationship you want? Ending a relationship is not a failure. It is like trying new foods. Sometimes you like them. Sometimes you don't. I tell my kids all the time when trying a new food that if it tastes bad to you it isn't a failure. You have successfully experimented and discovered something new about yourself. Same with dating. You try different guys to find out what you like and don't like about men. Eventually you find one that you like enough to stay with. But the ones you break up with aren't failures. They are successful relationships that you learned from.
Add this one to that list and move on. It is best for both of you.

Sex is one of the Top Two reasons couples divorce. Libido mismatch is more than enough to destroy an otherwise wonderful relationship. Be thankful you spotted this early and can get out relatively easily (compared to after marriage and kids).

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 2:15pm
Freelance you hit the nail in the head. This will not change it will only get worse. I am speaking from my own experiences. His frustration will only get worse as freelance said he will grow more dissatisfied with lack of creative sexual expression in your relationship. I have grown very dissatisfied with my sexual life. My wife is the appositive of me. I always want and love trying new things but she does not. She prefers to cuddle and do other things instead.