Over a year...so discouraged!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Over a year...so discouraged!
11
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 6:25pm

Long story as short as possible, my husband had his prostate removed (nerve sparing) about a year and a half ago due to prostate cancer. The good news is that he is still here, and cancer free. The bad news is he is unable to have an erection anymore. We were told that there was a good chance it would come back because the nerves were spared, but over a year later and no good results..the worst part is that his doctor told him the more we "simulated" the act..and the more we tried..the better it would be..and he hasn't been able to deal with the frustration and humiliation of it to try with me more than a few times..I am grieving my sex life. We had such a good one, and I miss him so much. I don't ever see me having sex with anyone else, and toys are not the same..I want my husband! I am so distraught about it, and don't know what to do. He refuses counseling and says he is ok without the sex, that he is happy with me..and us..but the problem is compunded by the fact that he isn't too affectionate without the sex..that is where I got most of my cuddles etc. so I am really starved. I have tried and tried talking about it and he is shut down. There are no perks..just for me..as he can't bear to even engage in sexual play unless intercourse is the outcome. I am in my late 40's which gives me a long sentence of this if I live to a normal old age..with no prospect of sex again??? I can't stand it. I really have no idea what to do and have no one to talk to, as I don't want to discuss his personal issues with friends.


Thanks for listening, I love my husband so much..and I just feel like I am in mourning. I have gained 20 lbs..the ice cream is comforting at first..and then I just end up hating the way I look and feeling awful about myself. Just feeling sorry for myself in general I guess. I know I should just be thankful he is alive, and we are happy together...but I can't help it!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 6:29pm
By the way, we have tried the viagra etc but it doesn't work in his case due to the surgery, and the other option is injections which he won't even discuss, even though I have heard they don't hurt..it is the thought of it that is awful..
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 8:07pm
This is one of the problems with american medicine. They do not prepare the patient for the quality of life problems.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 7:49am

You said he won't even engage in sexual play unless intercourse is the outcome.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 9:39am

He is ashamed that he cannot achieve an erection.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 10:10am
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 7:29pm

Hold, have you had a sexual relationship where intercourse was off the table? For a guy who has enjoyed that over his life-time, it's not quite hell but it gets extremely difficult as time goes on.


My current gf wanted to stay a 'technical' virgin until marriage and I told her that I would certainly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 9:19pm
Thanks for the responses..I got a pump about a month ago..and it has stayed un-opened in his closet..I keep hinting that we should play with it, but it hasn't happened. IC was the big deal for him..he was never big on the other parts of sex unfortunalty to begin with...and he was reeeeally good at that..so it didn't matter much before. Not much of a touch-er and cuddler. I have tried to bring him to orgasm since the surgery a few times when he would let me..but I couldn't keep it up long enough for it to happen..and at a certain point he just wants to stop when it doesn't work the way he wants it to..he gets a viseral angry reaction to the whole process..so I know he is not able to just let go and enjoy..he is putting way too much pressure on himself..maybe i need to get him a few cocktails!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 9:23pm
If I approach this right..without getting angry it might work..I will see what I can do..I have to do something different...the problem is that his T is now low..and his drive isn't there at all either..so the natural response..or wanting sex..and anticipating it is all out of wack..kind of takes the steam out of it..but maybe if I try your approach it will get a little hot..I will take ANY attempt at this point..it doesn't have to be stellar! I really just miss the naked body contact and the embrace, the kisses...the feeling small in his arms..sigh...
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 10:10am

>>>>> Hold, have you had a sexual relationship where intercourse was off the table? <<<<<


Of course.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 6:38pm

Of course.

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