Overcoming his sexual anxieties

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2012
Overcoming his sexual anxieties
3
Wed, 12-25-2013 - 6:30pm

My bf & I could use some advice.  When we first began dating over a year ago, we had a faily sucessful sexual relationship--not the best, but nothing that couldn't be explained by the newness of having a new partner. After the first 2 or 3 months, things began to go down hill. He began having difficulty achieving erections and would generally lose it once we started having intercourse. During a particularly frustrating point, we had gone 6 wks trying to have sex, with him losing his erection every time. After docs confirmed that it was not health related, he confessed that he had been a virgin prior to our relationship (I was not). He assured me that it was not an issue of attraction, and that it was anxiety that he would "fail" along w/a lack of experience causing the problem. I tried to take the pressure off him by initiating & taking the lead, which worked for a while--except any time we tried something different (different pace, position, ect.), we'd fall back into the same problem. Now, even that doesn't work. He thought it may have been because he was masturabting too much, but has since stopped masturbating completely w/no change to our situation.

We do what we can to get by, but we both really want intercourse to be a part of our sex lives. Just wondering, has anyone else dealt with this issue over the long term?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2013
Thu, 01-02-2014 - 1:55am
Oh yes, I experienced the same during my initial years of marriage, reason was same i.e stress. I was not doing well in my career and that took its toll. I think your bf needs some confidence, consulting a good therapist or even getting enrolled for some good meditation can do him a world of good.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 12-26-2013 - 11:29pm

 Fissy is right.  Think of this how would you feel if every time you wanted sex you would not lubracate.  After a while you would start to be adverse to intercourse.  When aman loses confidence he has a difficult time with erections.  The anexiety and stress goes like this :' will I get hard,will it stay hard ,i'm afraid, and so on.  He is not thinking:  Oh Goody I'm getting some ,Oh this feels so good!  Wow this is so cool! etc.

   One thing is to be less assertive.  let him get horny let him start with quickies build his confidence.  Or send him to a sex therapist.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 12-25-2013 - 11:44pm

Rome wasn't built in a day, and sexual confidence doesn't come overnight. There's something called a "self fulfilling prophecy", and that's part of what's happening to him.  He's so worried that he'll fail, that he does!  Also, you don't build his confidence by "taking the lead".  You build it by taking the pressure off.  Of course you want intercourse to be part of your sex life.......who doesn't?  But for the time being, forget about it completely.  Concentrate on "making love" rather than "having sex"......meaning, do everything else......basically "foreplay".  Touch, kiss, oral sex both ways, and don't go all the way to intercourse for a few weeks or even months.  Eventually, he will get so "into it" that he'll forget his problem, and he'll get his erection.......and even if it doesn't last, try again next time.  In time, he'll be fine........but just the fact that he's trying so hard, he's causing the failure.  He has to NOT think about anything but giving and getting pleasure.......and it's going to start working.  This is the same thing that happens to women who think they can't have orgasms.  They're so busy worrying about not having them, that they won't have them......they have to forget about them, and just enjoy everything else........and eventually,they'll have orgasms.  You don't "overcome" anxiety, you work past it.......that's what he needs to do.