passionless marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
passionless marriage
15
Sat, 09-10-2011 - 2:03pm
new to post, but i've read quite a lot. Its a relief to see other people have simular issues. Heres my story: i've been married for seven years and i have a two yearold. My husband and i started off as most couples do, having sex whenever and wherever possible for the first six months. Then all of a sudden a month goes by with nothing, i asked him why and he said "because you're like a friend to me, and i just haven't seen you in that way" i should have listened hard that day... Eventually things picked up and seemed normal sexually. I almost always innitiated, when he did it would go like this: out of the blue, 'i have a boner, would you like to have sex?' and then he expects me to just say okay and start... 9 times out of ten i did, because i have a high sex drive. So before we had my son we had sex twice a week average, and i was okay with that. There would still ocassionally be a gulf of three to four weeks, and they were hard but i remained faithful and pleasant and good to him. Fast forward to soon after my son is born my husband tells me he was uncomfortable having sex whilst i was pregnant but he did it anyway so i wouldn't get upset. After that i got a double breast infection, which is incredibly painful, and whilst i was suffering with that i know he took care of himself because i caught him, he said he knew i couldn't have sex because of the infection, which was true, but out of respect for me i'd think he could have waited a few days to be with me, or at least have been more descrete. Since then we have sex about once a month. And he has got less and less interested each time. I have changed physically, and i've asked him if that was an issue for him and he said know. I do workout nearly everyday now and i've gone down two dress sizes this summer. And its had no effect. I think he likes the fact that he can have sex whenever he feels like it and therefore doesn't think of it as a priority at all. We've had countless discussions, numerous appolgies from both sides, and i just dont know what to do. Its eating away at the core of us. I need to have sex to feel close, to want to share my love, to be kind and cherish him. If he has no passion for me whats the point? What can i do to improve things if i have nothing to start from? How can i change to in the very least get used to feeling like my husband doesn't want me sexually? I appreciate people reading this. At least i know im not alone.

Pages

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 2:59am

Hi

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 4:23am
thanks for reading and writing back. You said, he's checked out, anc i realised he has. He's always had his head in the clouds though, i've always had to battle against his fantasy world, where his mind spends most of his time. Before i read your post i hadn't put two and two together, but it makes sense. Its not just a physical sexual problem. My husband has a hobby he's so wrapped up in that its become like a reality for him. I've always left him to do/spend as much time or money on it as he has wanted to and i thought we had a good balance, but if he's immersed himself so completely that its ALL he thinks about than no wonder we have issues. Wow... Im not sure what to do about it, but at least im past the main symptom and discovering the cause! I honestly didn't expect that on the first post!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 10:21am

What is his hobby?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 1:25pm

I feel your pain, my wife is LL, I'm HL.

"I think he likes the fact that he can have sex whenever he feels like it and therefore doesn't think of it as a priority at all."

He may like the fact that he can have sex whenever he feels like it, probably does not do this on purpose or to be spiteful, but for a LL it is not a priority.

We've had countless discussions, numerous appolgies from both sides, and i just dont know what to do. Its eating away at the core of us. I need to have sex to feel close, to want to share my love, to be kind and cherish him. If he has no passion for me whats the point? What can i do to improve things if i have nothing to start from? How can i change to in the very least get used to feeling like my husband doesn't want me sexually?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 3:09pm

What is this hobby?

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 3:16pm
>>What is this hobby?<<

Hittin it monkey style with the neighbor....

LOL, sorry, that was the first thing that came to my mind....

well actually it was the second thing, the first thing was:

Cranking it off to internet porn....

I'm sick... I know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 3:54pm
his hobby involves collecting and playing table top wargames. He used to collect and paint and play, but lately he mostly just reads about them and writes up game rules and makes spreadsheets. He's got other hobbies, when he gets bored of one he obsesses about another, he's always been like that. I've obviously become the least interesting hobby!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 4:00pm
i know what you mean, i feel like i've been giving and giving but getting nothing in return. I give my husband back rubs every night before bed, i used to do loads more, like get him drinks when he wanted them, rub his feet... He's like a cat, he'll come to you when he wants stroking give you nothing but a hot lap, and then take off for a while. Luckily he doesnt bring dead animals in the house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 4:10pm
sorry that last post was meant to be @71Bri but im on my phone and its poop. Also, the computer is in our openplan livingroom/kitchen so i know he doesn't have a porn problem. In fact i watch more porn than he does. He says he burned out on it when he was a teenager. And if he's cheating it would have to be at work, which isn't impossible but most if not allof the women who work there are old and grey... I've never thought it was cheating. Im sure its not.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 7:49pm

WARHAMMER?

chaika

Pages