porn may be ruining our marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
porn may be ruining our marriage
9
Sat, 12-31-2011 - 6:18am

Recently I walked in on my husband pleasing himself - with porn.

I know I can't meet his sex desires and sometimes I tell him it's okay if he needs to release himself through masturbation - i get that.

What I don't get is how he does it. I don't like that he watches porn.

Maybe he just looks at pictures to get off, but still - they are NOT pictures of me.

I feel cheated. I feel like I don't matter to him anymore.

Sure he said he would stop if I fulfilled his sex drive - and I know that isn't possible. So that gives him the right to get off to porn whenever i "fail"?

And what's worse is he didn't even give me a chance first. He just assumed I would say "no" , didn't want to bother asking and being rejected "once again"... so when he knew I would be gone, he went at it.

That's the sad part. I feel rejected. I feel like I'm a horrible wife because I can't satisfy my man. And I feel like he is a horrible husband because he can't "wait" for me - that if i can't please him, "someone" else will.

So that gives him the right to seek pleasure elsewhere? What happened to love and honor me, and only me?

He didn't say he used it because it was a sexual release - he said it was MY fault he has to resort to porn because I don't do enough for him.

How can I WANT to do anything for him now when I know he will just resort to getting his release elsewhere the minute I stop?

How can I WANT to do anything with him when all I can picture is images of him whacking off to some boobs on the net and compare them to me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Sat, 12-31-2011 - 8:40am

Welcome to the board; I do hope you've come here in a spirit of learning and curiosity, rather than seeking validation.

Which validation or self-justification you won't get from me: not that it matters what an internet stranger thinks, what does matter is that likely I will express what your husband is thinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
Sat, 12-31-2011 - 10:53am

I don't "allow" him to masturbate, I am sorry if it came off that way. I just told him in the beginning that he can do it without feeling bad about it because he worried i would take it badly, i was just reassuring him that it was fine.

Many times I am letting him get what he needs without worrying about mine - because I know it can be harder for me to orgasm, and because I know he needs it more.

I TRY to please him as best I can and as often as I can - but there are times when I am just too tired for it--- like after working a whole day, coming home to make dinner for him or going to bed and needing sleep but he wants a romp in the hay and wonders why I dont want to? Many times I give in to his desire even when I'm not in the mood. I think that is pretty good on my part trying to think about his needs, and no way self-absorbing since he is not thinking about me and pressuring me to please him.

In fact, I am often telling him to "go" without me because I want him to enjoy himself and not worry about whether I get an O or not.

It is just painful to know that he thought it easier to use porn and masturbate, instead of asking me and wanting it with me. I could see if it was a long time without sex or if i had recently "refused" him several times -- then maybe I would have thought to myself "it sucks but I guess I wasn't really caring about his needs lately". But no -- we just had sex the other day and this day would have been his "due" day because I know he wants it at least every other day or at latest every third day- and i try to make it happen even if I am not in the mood. So why he thought I wouldn't do anything for him and that it was easier to just do it himself -- really hurt. Especially since he just got home from work and was playing a video game when i went out to run an errand! So he didn't even give me a CHANCE to please him that day! And that is what upsets me.

I've been really depressed lately and I still find time to please him -- yet, he doesn't take my feelings into consideration with everything that I am trying to deal with. How is he caring about what I want and my needs?

I am trying to love him and make him happy, but it doesn't help if i miss one "session" and he feels like he now needs porn to fill that void.

So I understand we both should understand each person's desires and try to fulfill that need - but I don't think it's right if I can't do it all the time, for him to now go find it elsewhere and blame me for his actions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Sat, 12-31-2011 - 11:12am

Thanks for the update, that helps clarify the situation & changes the complexion of things;

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 12-31-2011 - 12:07pm
First off you have a right to your feelings about this. A lot of women don't like their husbands watching porn and fantasizing about having sex with other women. Some even feel it's cheating and get emotional about it. Problem is men don't seem to understand how their wives can feel this way as they look at this as just a quick way to release themselves that has nothing to do with their wives. I've seen on this board and others where couples go round and round with this and can't seem to come to a solution for this issue. I think what needs to be considered is the frequency of the porn viewing, is he doing it everyday (which in that case can easily turn into or may already be an addiction) OR is this just maybe a once a week or once every other week thing that he turns to just when he's really feeling stressed and needs release (as sex is a big stress reliever for men) when your not in the mood? That makes a big difference in my opinion. At any rate I hope you can work this out and come to some kind of compromise. GOOD LUCK.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Sat, 12-31-2011 - 12:38pm

It sounds like you are trying to be understanding, and being tired after working all day sure does not help, but if it becomes the standard excuse for not having sex, he will be "tired" of it soon.

One bit of advice comming from a HL, don't say this to him if you can help it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2009
Sat, 12-31-2011 - 2:15pm
For most HL's masturbation/porn is a very distant 2nd to being with the person they love......yet it is useful to help bridge the gap between libidos. I'm not ashamed of erotica.....it just is......Most porn is male centric while romance novels and the like are more female centic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2011
Sun, 01-01-2012 - 8:51am
ARBY, I see both sides..but i have a question for you. Do you ever go to him for sex? Make him feel wanted? And does he ever come home cook or bring home dinner, and clean up and tell you go relax, take a bath, have a glass of wine .. i think u both need to work a little bit more! How old are you guys?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Mon, 01-02-2012 - 12:36pm

Thanks for your update, a few more thoughts.

It sounds like you are being generous, yet you are viewing it as "giving in" and feeling pressured.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 12:56am

IMO there are other things to look at.

chaika