Problem-Solving Skills: Activate!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Problem-Solving Skills: Activate!
26
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 7:39am

My graph for sexual desire:

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 8:01am

It looks like his desire is more physiologically based (i.e., rises with time since his last orgasm), while yours is based more on how you're feeling about him. From what I've read, these are fairly typical patterns for each gender. In any case, since YOU'RE the one who wants more sex, I'd say it's up to you to "push through" your lack of motivation to touch and kiss him when you're not having frequent-enough sex. That said, if he's actively trying to avoid more frequent sex by doing things like not showering, then he's probably not being honest when he tells you that being touched more frequently would solve the problem for him.

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 8:03am

...well...just on the information you've provided, if you were sitting across the desk from me asking for my advice professionally, I'd ask you why you simply don't initiate sex as much as you want it?...I'd then ask to you to please understand that if you remain in this relationship you may have to redefine what "enough" is...I do understand that everyone has their own level of "enough"...but, if you were asking for my advice in order to save the relationship, I'd ask that you have sex with him on saturday because that would be more sex than just having it on wednesday and as more sex is how you feel "in love" it would be a win-win situation...but, that is my response based on what you've written in the original post...I'm not sure what your total story is...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 8:34am

I think being aware of these patterns and dynamics is really important from several perspectives - I think they have a powerful impact on what pans out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 8:38am

Thanks for both your replies. I will try to add more information.

Firstly, I do try to initiate. The problem is, as I am sure many of you know, considering we live a busy life, it requires an effort from both of us to create an opportunity for sex. Sometimes it'd require him to wake up earlier in the morning, something he has no interest in doing. Other times it requires him to get off the PC before it's midnight and I am sound asleep. He isn't very willing until his physical desire has risen to a level where he is properly motivated.

At the same time, he is frustrated that I don't communicate well enough when we have sex and that nothing he does seems good enough. I really make the best effort I can and I never say no (just to get that straight), but I struggle struggle struggle to get in the mood after those days have passed, feeling rejected and neglected and it usually being late at night. I try my best to get into it, but it usually ends up with the sexual encounter being mostly for his benefit.

Had we had sex again the next day or the day after that encounter - I'd be a perfect sex kitten and easily turned on. But that hardly ever happens, even if I try to initiate, so we're back to doing it five days later when -he- is horny.

As for settling for this; I would, but I worry for my feelings for him and the lacking sex we end up having every time. I've many times thought that it'd be far better for me (purely selfish thoughts) if we just didn't have sex, so I could want him as little or less than he wants me ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 8:58am

I think you're onto something here, mol. The pattern we currently have is reassuring, but destructive. I am very willing to change and do whatever it takes, because I firmly believe our sex life can be awesome.

Any specific suggestions?

I have thought of three different options:

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 9:48am

I think I'm one for making small changes and seeing what happens - in a way, it doesn't matter what it is, as long as it's breaking up the pattern.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 9:52am

As understanding, logical and reasonable I try to be - I find it very hard to stay on track considering all my other obligations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 10:23am

Well, it beats the alternative.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 10:38am

What had you tried before that point?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 10:41am

Can I make a suggestion? Would it be possible for the two of you to shower together?

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