Quantity vs Quality

Avatar for ladyroberts
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Quantity vs Quality
6
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 1:44pm
I have the quantity I am happy with but I don't have the quality. I know those of you who don't have quantity are going just shut up, woman. It's so bad I want to scream "oh never mind, I'll take care of it myself."

I'll tell you what happened this am (I can't believe I'm going to admit this)Okay here goes: He comes in naked for his morning sex climbs in bed. Snuggles up, I'm praying for a hard on. Nothing limp as can be so I start the HJ to get him to the point where we can have sex, seems hard enough, go for it, limp again, so I try the BJ okay he's ready, 2 seconds he's done. NOTHING for me. He barely touched me after I started the HJ. He apologized for being so hard to get going and so quick to finish. I was more frustrated than if nothing had happened.

Am I being selfish?? Should I be happy that I finally get sex, isn't that what we all want?

LR

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 1:57pm
If this happens frequently, then I don't think it is YOU being selfish. He should be learning how to do the hard work of lasting longer. And until he can manage that, he should stick around to help you finish if he gets done first. That's just my opinion. Can you talk to him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 1:58pm
Nope, can't be happy until you have it ALL. At least that is my philosophy.

I have actually thought about this a lot. If I can only have one would I rather have quantity or quality? I come up with same answer everytime. Quality. Well as long as I do get it more often than not. I am not sure I would have been patient though all of this if there was not variety and fireworks when we did have sex. I know exactly what you mean, when things go that quick it is more frustrating than nothing at all.

This whole question is why even when I want sex every day, I can handle less frequency. When I tried to get it every day, the quality went down.

Sorry for rambling through this. I do sympathize with the "just enough to make you want it more" sex. I am trying to remember your situation clearly (that folder should would be handy!), but are you not having sex every morning due to an agreement and your DH being on Zyban? Maybe the agreement needs to be revised to every other day, so he has more rebound time and can last longer. As much as I gripe about my DH, I do know rebound time is needed for me to have any fun at all. I just think a week is too long to rebound.

Jen

Jen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 1:58pm
LR,

I think your feelings are PERFECTLY understandable and you won't get any "shut ups" from me!

I must say though, lol, knowing ME--if I had QUALITY then I'd want more QUANTITY because he'd have me HOOKED again, lol! Looking at it as sensibly as I can though I'd be happy with ONE good/great romp a week provided it resulted in mutual pleasure...but knowing my own body as I do I know we'd both have to put some effor to "let go" with eachother into it for me to get the big "O." Mind you, I haven't had the big "O" in well over a year now! I don't know why it happens but it seems like every person I talk to about this says that their quality has plummetted...I wonder if it's a by product of time itself or what.

All I can say is I'm sorry hon--hopefully a delicate discussion w/ the hubby could help? Now sure how often you two engage in it but it could be that if it'd been awhile that maybe he's too quick because of that? (((HUGS)))

Elyse

Avatar for ladyroberts
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 2:34pm
We have sex everyday, which seems to be more than he can handle (obviously). I did not make up this schedule, he did when he started on the Zyban. Out of the blue he decided it was time to give me what he had been promising.

Here is our WHOLE story: We dated for a few months and had sex about once a week after I moved in with him. We lived together about a year before we got married. Sex was fairly regular, not as frequent as I wanted but not a big warning sign. He was working 2 jobs and going to school. After we got married, his dad died a month later. Stress. (FYI, DH never ejaculated, said he was always this way but he cold make his hard on last) Now he's taking care of sick mom, going to school and down to one job. Once a month if I got lucky or became suicidal. This lasted for 4 years. His mom passed away last year and we just managed to get her affairs settled and we bought a new house and life has just been a rollercoaster. In January he started taking Zyban and he came up with this plan of everyday and now he cums-everytime. Usually way to fast for me. Thats how we get to where I am today.

I think I will have to talk him into every other day. Not really wanting to give up but I need more quality than he is giving me now.

LR

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 5:39pm
I don't think you are being selfish at all. Its important for both of you to be satisfied. Instead of spending all that time getting and keeping him hard, have him spend some time satisfying you in other ways than intercourse. Sounds like he would be a candidate for Viagra. Has that been an option? Good luck!

Robin

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 6:23am
To me, quantity and quality are all part of the same thing - its not "quantity or quality", quantity is PART of quality. What I want really is not so much "quality sex" as a "quality sex life" which includes stuff like being free to be me, to be passionate and spontaneous and follow my natural rythms - which would, among other things, involve sex fairly frequently at times. You know, one thing i sometimes find quite ironic is that people who are pro-marital sex and rather anti "sleeping around" often make the case that marital sex is so much more intimate and satisfying, because its part of an ongoing sexual relationship where you grow together in love and understanding of each others bodies etc... etc..etc...I have always been pretty much of the opinion that yes, married sex should be the best there is, you what I find, in my case, is that my sex life seems to consist of nothing more than a series of one night stands, albeit with my own husband. There is no sense of growth or continuity, no deeper understanding by DH of my sexuality as the years go by - we just f@#k. then we wait for several days or a week and then we f@#k again. That's it. There's no ongoing sensuality, no sense of building anything together or developing a deep intimate life, its just a series of isolated f@#ks.I have brought this up loads of times with him but he just doesn't seem to "get it" - when I say I want an ongoing sexual relationship and not just a series of f@#ks - however competently performed - he says "What's the difference?"

In fact, the whole thing is almost beginning to put me off having sex with him - I mean, what's the POINT of it? Another F@#k? As those whose sex lifes consist of one night stands sometimes comment, all that just becomes empty, after a while. And a series of one night stands with your own husband must count as among the emptiest of sexual experiences...