Question for HL men....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Question for HL men....
12
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 3:59am
How would you cope with a partner who wanted three times as much sex as you? (Okay, okay I know you're all swooning in ecstasy but seriously...) after the first couple of weeks, how WOULD you deal with it? I mean, this is the scenario - your partner wants three times as much sex as your maximum desired level. Whatever your dream sex frequency is, treble it. If you want twice a week, she wants 6 times. if you're a morning and evening guy, she wants it morning, evening, lunchtime and before dinner. EVERY DAY. If you'd like it ten times a week, she wants it thirty times.EVERY WEEK.

Try to think yourself into the scenario: how would it make you feel? What would your reaction be?And what would you DO? How would you approach the situation? Remember we're not talking about having three times more sex than you have at present, we're talking three times more than your desired maximum. If you can manage it it, also think about how you'd feel if the variety and range of sexual behaviours she wanted was three times more wacky than what you want. How would you cope with THAT? What would your approach be?

This is what my DH has to cope with... I don't think he handles it well, but I just wondered how you normal libido guys without all those LL characteristics (the control thing, the fussiness, the sensory threshold problems) would deal with it.

What sort of response could I reasonably expect from a normal guy with no especial hang-ups?





Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 6:05am
Wow....Of course i don't know what my maximim is, but my best desire would be 5 -6 times a week. I'm living with 2-3.So lets see thats a max of 15-18 a week according to Strawberries scenario. You'd see a very happy guy up to 14-15 a week, after that, boy, i don't know where the time would come from, but i'd have a smile on my face trying and i think i could manage it. I can see where it would requite some compromise on time issues.

I happen to have a very vivid mind when it comes to fantasy and variety so I thik i could cope very well. I know for a fact that my desire for variety is at least 3 times DW's, but nothing too far out:-)

I don't know if i'm normal, probably more of an HL, but i suspect the response you'd get from a normal/hl would be WOW!!! I'm the luckiest guy in the world!

Avatar for debthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 6:25am
Not a man but I'll take a stab at this anyway because I think it's a great question... one that forces us to *think*.

I would find it *very* difficult to cope with his desire being 3 times what mine is.

The figures don't matter because, as you say it's 3 times *whatever* our max level is but for the sake of making it relevant to my own situation, the figures would be as follows.... my max. sexual desire works out at ideally having sex twice a week so really, we're talking about dealing with my DH wanting sex 6 times a week.

I would definitely find that very daunting *if* this were the case and, more importantly, *if* he refused to compromise because as we all know compromise is the key. I think I would definitely be willing to have more sex than I naturally desire so I would be willing to have sex once or twice a week *more* than I already want it, for the sake of meeting his needs but beyond that, no. So if he refused to cut down to meet me and kept badgering me for sex 6 times a week, I could foresee HUGE issues developing. Outside of the fact that it would be very difficult to just *get* in the mood for sex again and again when you really don't want it I could see major TIREDNESS issues..... sex almost every day would wear me out. I don't have that kinda time or energy and I would hate to pay the price of exhaustion almost every day. Of course the stress would be a problem too.

So, overall, how would I cope? Hmmm, not very well.

Avatar for debthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 6:31am
But the issue is: 3 times your MAX desire.

So you have to figure out what your ceiling for WANTING sex is and multiply *that* figure by 3, not the figure you'd get by with or the figure you'd be contented with... the figure beyond which you don't want anymore. So, in your post you said up to 14-15 times a week you'd be smiling (lol!!!) so really, if we take 14, we're talking about your DW wanting sex 42 times a week!!!!!!!!

Now how would you cope with *that*? LOL!

Avatar for tomatoman
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 6:53am
First of all, we're going to redefine "sex" as being virtually any physical encounter that is consensual, intimate and occurs between two adults. Given that, I would try to accomodate my partner in a variety of ways, besides full-on intercourse. There are various ways, some of which don't require huge amounts of time and energy.

Except in your scenario, 3x my MAXIMUM would be...maybe 12x a day! And I'm perfectly willing to give up food and sleep to do it. I'd be willing to earn less and live less extravagantly to get it. Supposing there is such a person, my first response would be to go along and see if I couldn't wear her out! Then, we may have to discuss why she needs sex every other hour every single day. Even the labor laws in Georgia, USA recognize the need for a break every 4 hours!

The idea is to have sufficient variety, spice and everything nice so that the intimacy derrived from sex carries over into other areas of the relationship and have enough carry-over to last for awhile. At the same time, there has to be sufficient time for some small amount of anticipation to build which makes each encounter all the better. I'm all for extending foreplay over a period of hours or days or even weeks if necessary. It's the whole LACK of intimacy and sexual energy that drives me up the wall. A body should *NOT* have to have a fight, hissy fit, nervous breakdown, depressive episode or temper tantrum in order to have sex once in awhile! -- T-man

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 8:05am
okay, coming back in here for a moment... i wasn't sure whether to put "twice as much" or "three times as much" - on the one hand, twice as much does not reflect the "gulf" our LL partners are trying to deal with, but on the other hand, three times as much does take us into time and exhaustion issues that are a bit OTT when you consider our HL maximums...

In a "normal"(LOL) CL situation I don't think time and exhaustion are serious issues our LL partners have to deal with... although some of them would say that they are (given that they perfer to use their time for other, more interesting pursuits like..um.. going to the grocery store was the most recent example I heard on the board)and the new mums seem to cite exhaustion as an issue too, but anyway in the majority of our relationships time and exhaustion are not going to be big problems for our LL partners so its simply coping with two or three times too much sex that is the issue...

For myself, one of the feelings I had when I thought about this is that I'd probably be able to have quite a good stab at keeping up with a higher libido partner, as long as there wasn't a sense of RELENTLESSNESS about it all. I could imagine reorganising my life to dedicate quite a bit more time and energy to sex than I would naturally choose, but I would need a sort of BREAK in the proceedings once a week, I think. i'd need to feel that there was a day off on a regular basis, in order for me to enjoy and participate in all that extra sex. If it just went on and on and on and on every single day I think I wouldn't enjoy ANY of it, but if it was three times a day every day BUT NONE ON TUESDAYS I would feel MUCH better about the situation. Strange. So I think I'd try to negotiate this sort of deal if I had a very high libido partner... or else I'd decide we weren't suited and suggest we part company early on. What I wouldn't do is all that avoidance stuff and ignoring his advances and hoping he'll go away that LL folks seem to do, nor would I expect him to live with half the amount of sex he really needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 8:44am
For me, the biggest issues have been my partner's avoidance of discussion of our clashing libidos, unwillingness to seek or offer a compromise, inflexibility and close-mindedness, lack of investment in time and effort into our sexual relationship, invalidating my needs, scarcity of empathy, disinterest in keeping a sexual charge alive and burning between us, and dismissing the importance of sex in our relationship. Getting less sex than I want in and of itself is not a huge problem. Maybe what I am talking about is quality over quantity. Maybe what I need to feel is that she desires me even when she is too tired or too busy to have sex. My theory on Clashing Libidos must be hidden somewhere in the above words.

I know I haven't answered your question yet. If my wife were to suddenly develop a much greater interest in sex than I have, I would surely agree to more sex than I have the natural desire for but I admit I would eventually run into my own limits. Those limits are pretty high so I am not worried for us(LOL) but your hypothetical question is fair and I think my answer is: I would treat her the way I would like to be treated.

Avatar for debthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 8:45am
But where is the compromise?

If your partner was HL and you are willing to have sex whenever he wants it despite the fact that you're not in the mood 2/3rds of the time, you'd end up *exactly* where you are now, emotionally anyway i.e. it all goes his way and you are left feeling resentful cause your needs are not taken into account. By "your needs" I mean your need NOT to have sex a few nights of the week because often it's not just a case of "oh I can't be bothered having sex with you", it's a case of "I really don't want to put my body through this right now" or "I am truly exhausted so please respect that I need this sleep" and if that's hardly ever taken into account (bar an occasional day off) then I don't see a healthy relationship. I see resentment, anger, bitterness and pain cause you'd be thinking "geez, I am trying so hard, I have sex way more than I want to because I love to make him happy and he just keeps on at me for more".

And the other thing is tiredness is a HUGE factor in the libido clash and not one to be underestimated. Before I had kids I would have loved to have sex every night of the week but I get by now on 6 hours sleep max. per night. If we spent an hour having sex (and remember freyaliz was saying her SO takes ages to come, lolol!! no offence freyaliz) that means I'm down to 5 hours or less (what with all the lead up etc.) but that would be ok for 4 nights a week, any more than that and I'm into serious sleep-deprvation so even though it's unromantic to think about tiredness, it's a huge part of life and can send a person into over tiredness which is also very damaging to the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 9:13am
Again, I am not a HL man, but I thought I would comment. If my partner wanted sex from me 3 times what I wanted, I think I would not handle it well at all. While there has been much discussion about LL men and the control aspect, I will be the first to admit that as a HL woman, there is a lot of control in my actions. I have always admitted I am a control freak in almost aspects of my life. In bed, not so much, but I think the fact that I wanted sex when I wanted it, has something to do with control. I can take pleasure in making my DH *want* sex even when he did not *know* he wanted it. I say that is about control.

I think the whole thing is about compromise, so that neither the HL or LL partner is in control. I know some people could not live with it, others would be extremely happy to have it. I do think that CL issues, when they come to a standoff, I won't budge and you won't budge situation, say more than its just about sex. I foundthat if I gave up control in other areas, financial, dealings with bank, etc, he did not mind the control I was exerting in the bedroom as to saying when I want sex. The big problem is trying to leave the thing that I gave up alone. For example, we are in the process of buying a house. I was trying very hard to let him handle most aspects of it. Mainly, this is because I wanted to wait to summer to buy the house as my work is extremely busy from January until May. So I said I would look, if he took care of everything else. He has done a wonderful job, but I found myself trying to control the situation. I found that on those days that I exerted control, even if we were not confortational about it, and then wanted sex, there was no way I was getting it. I know I am rambling, but this is one of my newest thoughts on the subject.

Jen

Jen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:45pm
Well Debtree, 42 times a week, i cannot imagine. I'd have to call in help, but that's a different board:-)

Just the math alone at 6 times a day is mind boggling even for an HL :-) Sex every 2 hours figuring 12 waking hours, and allowing for,lunch and dinner. Work would be out! Heck i'd look like Igore, after his 6 hour orgasm:-) Day in day out, Yikes!!!

While it would be fun to try, I honestly don't think coping with this would be possible. I'd be flat out of energy. And probably frustrated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 4:32pm
Interesting question.

I wanted to point out something. I saw tiredness mentioned a LOT in this thread, and sex is a workout. What does working out do to your energy levels? It increases it! So, having sex a lot would result in being in better shape physically (and emotionally since it does relieve depression, releases endorphins/oxytocin, and several other benefits. People with good sex lives tend to live longer and be healthier overall!). If course, 50 times a week would be extreme, there would be no time for much else, but 3 times a day wouldn't be stretching it too much. I was in a relationship where we had sex 4 times a day on average and both of us were able to keep it up for a couple of months! The only reason it slowed down was because I was getting closer to delivery day. My pregnancy was textbook perfect (the delivery was NOT but that was the doctor's fault, he almost killed me) and both of us were in awesome health through the time period.

Amanda

Pages