Sad and Frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Sad and Frustrated
18
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 4:16pm
I am having a real hard time after my husband's prostectomy. He had his prostate removed a year and a half ago..and it has been a long wait for sex to resume, but it was starting to come back, he had nerve sparing surgery so we knew it would take time. Problem is that he told me now, he has no drive, and the thought of being intimate with any woman is unnapealing to him, he basically asked that I leave him alone, and said the man I married was gone. I was left in the position to decide if I could live the rest of my life without..and I am crazy about him..so I was committed to staying. I'm also in peri-menopause, and have gained about 30 lbs the past year..the other day he fessed up saying it wasn't that he wasn't attracted to women in general, just that he couldn't with me because of my looks. He said it was hard enough to try with all his limitations without having "anything to work with". I was devestated and hurt..and there were more things said that were not as nice...I can't just wave a magic wand and be who I was a few years ago..it is really hard to keep my weight off with the hormones and I don't like the way I look either..but hav't had any luck..I've accepted it at this time in my life..and am trying to be kind to myself. So at this point..I have no idea what to do. He refuses to go to counceling and swears he is fine the way things are..just living together as friends..which is not what I want or need. I miss my husband but hate that he is so shallow..and what feels like emotionless about the fact he has hurt me so much

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 4:41pm

It sounds like the weight gain could just be his way of deflecting the 'blame.'



Just curious though, how does peri-menopausal hormone changes alter weight gain or loss? Did your DH already communicate to you in the past that weight gain would be sexually unappealing to him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 4:52pm
...I'm curious about the weight gain and peri-menopause too...I know that weight gain possible, but doesn't have to be certain with exercise and healthy eating...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 4:57pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 7:31pm

I think you are missing his point. He can't get an erection like he used to! To a male that means he is an eunuch. He is protecting himself from the devastation emotionally. How much fun it it when a person has been unmanned?
And then the wife is wanting what he feels he can't supply. You are talking about how hurt you feel but he is in pain too. The physicians are interested in saving lives not in the quality of those lives.
"" Problem is that he told me now, he has no drive, and the thought of being intimate with any woman is unnapealing to him, he basically asked that I leave him alone, and said the man I married was gone.""

His sex drive is gone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 7:34pm
No..it isn't a "given" that you gain weight during this time, but I put on 10 lbs after starting an antidepressant and it just piled on from there..and it is hard to keep it off due to the slower metab. Granted I could try harder..and want to..for me..so I feel attractive again, but the delivery in which he was Honest..was not appreciated..it was mean..and an ultimatem..he is with holding affection from me for it..which I think is cruel and shallow. At this point if he does approach me at some point I am going to be self-concious as hell...he has a big old beer belly and is aging in lots of other ways that are not turn ons for me..but my love for him superceeds that..and though i may notice it..it is not a detraction of my desire for him..and to be close with him..just sucks
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 7:46pm

OK, so he doesn't want sex.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 8:42pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 11:48pm
I am not missing the point..and it isn't like I havn't been 100 percent supportive and loving and patient..what point you are missing is the emotional abuse i am going through at the base of this..I guess I should just leave him alone, forget about my needs and go to a fat farm. thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 09-23-2010 - 12:29am

I miss my husband but hate that he is so shallow...



Which would be more "shallow"...to admit the truth or to pretend something that isn't? If it's "shallow" to admit that

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 09-23-2010 - 12:38am

...and it is hard to keep it off due to the slower metab. Granted I could try harder..and want to..for me..so I feel attractive again...



You can do "hard" can't you?



...but the delivery in which he was Honest..was not appreciated..it was mean..and an ultimatem...he is with holding affection from me for it...which I think is cruel...he has a big old beer belly and is aging in lots of other ways that are not turn ons for me...



If he's an insensitive, boorish, bullying, cruel, mean, affection-withholding, fat, old, hypocritical oaf, it's odd that you complained about his "shallowness" first. Why would you overlook his worst faults and dwell on the part of him that is the least offensive?






Edited 9/23/2010 12:42 am ET by my_sex_toy45

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