Same story, different players

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Same story, different players
99
Wed, 10-05-2011 - 11:24pm
I cannot believe that I am on this board. I feel embarrassed even hiding behind my alias! Anyhow let's get to it. Why would I even be on the boards at all? I am a BS. what the affair did as we are still cohabitating is bring out ALL our dirty laundry. Sex drive is on our list of issues. Mainly his issue with me. My lack of interest in sex was one of his reasons for having an "affection buddy." he thinks about it everyday, wants it everyday. He thinks I should be happy that he finds me desirable and beautiful. He will "plan" to have sex with at times and if I say no, he gets pissy. My libido is low. After 4-6 wks I'd go after it. I don't initiate sex.

I feel bad for making him feel bad or undesirable. He is really an amazing lover. I just don't want it ask much as he does. In 13 yrs he has never touched me in bed without him pursuing sex.

Before the affair with many other issues, sex was an obligation to keep him from turning into an ass. One of my conditions post dday and he knows this is that I will never have sex out of obligation again.

He got upset with me the other night again just discussing it. He told me that 6 weeks without sex is not going yo work for him because that means I don't care about him or his feelings. I told him that I just want to be loved and accepted for who I am. My sex drive hasn't changed in over 10 years.

So, what is fair? What is realistic? Where/how is my thinking wrong? Any words of wisdom is much much appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 6:43am

Even though I have a low sex drive myself, I have to agree with your partner. It's simply not fair to expect a HL to survive indefinitely on a diet of sex every few weeks. Period. Affair or no affair. On the other hand, you have every right to decline sex out of obligation. Problem is, his legitimate needs and your legitimate rights don't mesh. His needs won't change, so if you want to stay with him, you'll have to bend on this issue -- meaning you'll have to have sex out of obligation at times. If this is not acceptable to you, you'd be better off releasing your partner to find a more suitable match.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2009
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 6:44am
I'm afraid that you've lit the fuse......my way or the highway might feel good.......but He'll end up seeing this as just cause for some form of acting out.

I'm an HL in at least his league.......After 30 years...I'd still prefer it 1x - 2x daily.......Yet your desire for non sexual physical affection is just as legitimate as his need for sex. You have as much right to your needs being met as he has over his needs. But if he's felt rejected for years.....it just a emotionally explosive issue all around. You need a neutral third party to help you re-negotiate a workable arrangement...if one is even possible any longer......years of resentment on both sides is very corrosive to the relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 7:38am

One of my conditions post dday and he knows this is that I will never have sex out of obligation again.

As long as this is one of your conditions, there is no chance that your relationship will survive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2011
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 9:40am

Still.standing wrote:

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 12:57pm
Thank you for responding. I hear and understand what is being said. His affair is the tip of the iceberg I am afraid. It is true that I am being vey rigid in my unwillingness to budge/compromise in some areas. I am not intentionally trying to punish him by withholding sex. I use to do that. I use to have sex out of obligation, it was just another chore on my list. I don't want to do that ever again. Either I want it or I don't. I don't want to feel like he will turn into to an ass cuz he doesn't get what he WANTS vs needs. I understand that it is fair to meet in the middle. I get that. He has decided to stay and put in the work to earn his way back into the marriage. I have released him from it, I did that early after he was caught in his affair. Second chance - in your perfect world description- that was my husband and his philosophy. Except he wasn't lazy when it came to doing what he wanted. As I have LL, it is not a priority for me. As such it is an area I am ignorant about it's importance etc. Despite that, i am growing and changing and gaining strength. I am more in the "preserve" myself mode than try to change or compromise to save a marriage for a man who has been unworthy. I sound harsh don't I? Anyway, thanks again for the input! It has been noted!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 2:50pm

I do hope you are open to hearing some challenging messages and will be big enough to take them on board and have a think about them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 3:39pm
Mol- thank you for your directness and honesty. You are exactly right that I feel entitled and righteous. I have my reasons. I know that by posting on this board that I would illicit some feedback that was harsh. I would love nothing more than to lay my entire story out only to see if you if your low opinion of me remained the same. But I didn't post on this particular site for that. We have two little boys who deserve the very best we can give to them. It is extremely frustrating to have been the only parent thinking of their welfare. I agree with you, because if it wasn't for them I would of Kicked my husband to the curb, I'm not going anywhere. I will consider what you said. At least if will help me look at things from an angle I have not considered. We have been in MC FYI. however I backed out a month ago as I am not putting out any more effort when I continue to be lied to. I have started IC. Because this misery is my misery. No one else's. I still am undecided on whether to continue with this marriage. In order to help me make my decision I have to explore the issues as they are and decide what I am willing or un willing to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2011
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 3:58pm

Everybody has a story,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 4:10pm
Secondchance,

You have this exactly right. My mother told me many many years ago, "you need to either get 100% IN your marriage, or get OUT of it. Nothing less will work." She was right. If there's anything that keeps from being 100% in the marriage, working at it, doing what needs doing, then it's over, you just haven't admitted it yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 4:11pm

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