Says he loves me but there is no sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2010
Says he loves me but there is no sex
11
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 8:50pm

I've recently started dating a wonderful man. He is 60, and in good shape. I'm 50, attractive, extremely fit. He's been out of relationships for 20 years now, and has used Internet porn to satisfy himself. I've been out of relationships for 10 years, and had a pretty low libido while single, but now with him I am "ready" all the time.

However, he is simply unable to get it up. He claims he has a low libido - and yet before I came into the picture, he said he was doing it (in front of the computer) 2-3 times a week. He says (and I believe him) that he hasn't been able to look at porn since we've been together - he just has not desire for it at all. But he seems to have no desire for me either. He likes to hug, kiss, hold -- and that is "enough" for him.

It isn't for me and I'm starting to feel very angry and rejected. Help!?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 11:32pm

I've recently started dating a wonderful man.


First, I'd like to say I'm sorry you've encountered this problem. It's probably impossible to be in your situation and not feel rejected. So, I'd say your feelings are completely natural and to be expected.


Secondly, as you've

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 7:57am

There are many ways to love someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 8:34am

One thing that's occurred to me is that he may be terrified to "fail" if he does try to perform with you.


Between you, are you prepared to start with some manual stimulation, and mutally enjoy each other even though he may not get hard or hard enough?

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 8:45am

If he has been out of relationships for 20 years, finally finds himself in one, can't get it up, and isn't running to the doctor every day trying to find a solution to that problem, then I would assume he is not interested in a solution.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 9:53am

<>

Libido for masturbation and libido for partnered sex are very different. Don't make the classic mistake of assuming they are interchangeable. If he said he has a low libido, believe him! No self-respecting man would ever admit that unless it was gospel truth. This is not going to change, especially not at your ages. Either accept him as he is or move on.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 9:57am

Excellent point.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2010
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 9:55pm

>>There are many ways to love someone. He loves you like a friend, sister, etc. but however it is he feels with his love for you, he doesn't have the feelings for you as a lover.

Yeah, that may be the case. We've known each other for a year - and I've liked him since the first moment I met him. We did some work together, and then did a few social things. We started dating in April. He told me he had totally given up on ever finding a relationship.

It turns out he has had very few girlfriends in his life. He said he's had sex maybe 20 times - TOTAL. So this may also be about him, low libido, low self esteem, who the hell knows. He's a fine person and I *thought* I was in love with him, but the person who said he should have been out searching out a solution from day one after he realized he couldn't have an erection was right on -- it's pretty much inexcusable, I think. We've been trying since beginning of June - 2 months of frustration and he still hasn't gone to the doctor.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 7:26am

...it's pretty much inexcusable, I think.


I'm not sure it's inexcusable. I think it just speaks loud and clear about who he really is. He's not interested in sex. For him, 20 is a nice round number and what would be the point in going for more. If he accidentally gets to 21, he'd have to go all the way to 30 to get to another round number. (I confess that low number boggles my mind.)


There may be a woman out there who's looking for a man like this. Perhaps it would be kindest to put him back on the market. You both deserve to find someone more suited to your needs because this I do know: it won't change for the better. When LL men declare themselves early in the relationship, they

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 10:26am

Sorry you are going through this but if things are like this in the begining of the relationship and he is doing nothing to change it then you must leave as you guys are incompatible in a crucial area.

You will find a guy with whom you click sexually.

You dont need to resent him as thats how he is.Its not his fault or anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 12:04pm

Be glad is his self-aware enough to tell you who he is, up front! Believe him, and thank him for that. In my experience, male LLs typically shut down altogether, avoid the subject (and any situation involving the possibility of sex), and/or make idle promises of change to relieve the pressure in-the-moment.

He's giving you the hard facts - very few girlfriends (probably due to this), sex 20 times TOTAL in his lifetime. Obviously a long-lasting relationship, marriage, family, kids was never important enough to him to resolve this at the doctor before...why would he go now?

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