Scheduled sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2010
Scheduled sex
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 7:56am

Wednesday is supposed to be the one night a week that we have sex. When we made this arrangement I was afraid that it would mean that there would never be a chance at us having sex more than once a week, and that has pretty much turned out to be the case.

However, that's sort of a side issue. What I want to know is how other couples handle it when one partner isn't living up to his/her side of an agreement.

We have sex on Wednesday less than half the time. Wife needs to "decompress" by watching TV, which leads to her falling asleep on the couch, which inevitably leads to "I know it's Wednesday, but..." We'll end up having sex sometime over the weekend (which means that "it's almost Wednesday" by the time we do it, so there's no chance she'll be receptive to advances on Monday or Tuesday.) Lately we most often have morning quickies while the kids watch cartoons--Her favorite type of sex.

So what do other HLs do when their LL partners aren't living up to agreements they've made? What are the "consequences" for your LL when s/he refuses to meet basic minimal needs s/he has promised?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 4:10pm
She should give you a raincheck as soon as possible. Is that not an option?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 4:40pm

We have a resilient semi-schedule.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 4:46pm
Negotiate over the big picture, not "today or tomorrow".

The years when small kids are home are some of the the toughest times for ML. Explain to her that she needs to make an investment during these years which will reap the dividends of a satisfied and devoted husband in future years.

Otherwise, if she keeps withdrawing from your love bank, she will find eventually that she is overdrawn, and she will not like the results when one of her "checks" bounces.

She may think she "has" to do everything for the kids because they need her so much now. And that she will get around to your needs later, when the kids are bigger. Not a wise decision on her part. What the kids need most of all is parents who are happily married. No amount of clean clothes and clean floors are going to matter to the kids when Dad get fed up and walks out - or goes to find someone who will find time for him, and then Mom shows him the door.

You guys need to negotiate a weekly schedule of household duties which leaves her enough time and energy for sex. If there isn't time for everything, something ELSE gets dropped - not sex time with hubby. You will be ready to pinch hit on some chores if she needs you. But it is her job to make sure that she plans her schedule to allow for sex time. She owes it to the kids.

If we were talking about 3 hour marathons every day, I would give different advice. But if we are talking 30 minutes once a week, there is NOTHING she can do for the kids that is more important than that one task. it should be Job #1 for her.

Your job is to explain that to her in a way she can digest. As MOL says, don't accept arguments along the lines of "you are a pervert or sex maniac or a guy like all the other jerks she married." That is all irrelevant. This is what you need. She can provide it, or, if it is so unpleasant for her that she can't, then she can find another husband.

Which is really being a great Mom to the kids, right? Because if she thinks 30 minutes once a week is too much extra effort, let her ponder how much extra effort is required to co-parent when you no longer live in the same house with your kids' father!

When you see it coming, duck!