Sexual Abuse

sjp
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2011
Sexual Abuse
11
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 12:04pm
Hi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: sjp
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 12:39pm

Unfortunately, there's not much you can do if your partner refuses to get help.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: sjp
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 7:14pm

Hi I have had experience but each person is different.

dragowoman

sjp
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2011
In reply to: sjp
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 8:28pm

Hi. Thanks for responding. Well I don't have a huge amount of detail. One of his older brothers was the main abuser, I believe it went on for several months and he was 11, his brother was 16.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: sjp
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 8:43pm
I believe you are doomed to this life of not having sex. He has made his decision to live with it. You need to make the decision if you can live a married life without it. For me that is part of what makes a marriage viable and what makes us human so this is a deal breaker in my opinion.

You cannot change him. He needs to make that decision to take steps to heal and make the marriage whole. It looks like he won't and you will be wasting years of your life hoping for something different.

Mark
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: sjp
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 8:54pm

Hi

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2011
In reply to: sjp
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 11:53pm
I agree with Mark and XX. I don't have experience with abuse personally or with my spouse. But I do have experience with the schedule of weening off of sex over time. And believe me, once they see that they can reduce that frequency and justify it, it will eventually go to almost nothing, or even nothing.

You are very fortunate to get to see it from outside a marriage rather than inside. I know you don't feel fortunate here, and you have a lot of time and love invested. But you will find a match again and feel desired again, and that is what I know you want to find.

One other thing. I subscribe to statistics rather than coincidence. Statistically I find it off-the-charts remarkable that he has had three separate instances of male sexual assault. I hesitate to even say this, because certainly I'm sure if he has been put in dangerous enough places, this probably does exist.

But have you considered, or have you seen any indication, that he may simply have a same-sex orientation? And perhaps due to the stigma of that in most of the country, he made a strong attempt at making a hetero relationship work? Or even that he is fighting terribly against those feelings and thus needs this struggle to be about those assaults rather than an orientation?

The reason I ask is that you might actually give him the true gift he's always needed...it could be the gift of permission to become the person he really is. If that is even remotely possibly here, you (and he) certainly need to know it now. And even if he is unable to ask and answer that question, you need to for yourself. It will aid in your closure and your ability to not make this about you.

Good luck to you!
sjp
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2011
In reply to: sjp
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 7:31am

Thank you everyone. I am definately going to put the wedding on hold and try to figure out what I am willing to accept. As far as the same-sex orientation, I don't know, the only thing that has crossed my mind is that I wonder if part of why he thinks sex is wrong is that it is possible that he could have had feelings of sexual arousal at some point during the abuse. I wonder this because the counsellor asked if he would be ok just pleasuring me and he said he would. So he has a problem with sexual gratification for himself and since all of the incidents were not involving his genitals I'm not sure I understand that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: sjp
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 9:27am
sjp,

If I had to guess, I would say that what turns him on also disgusts him. He's afraid of his own sexual nature. It is going to take him a lot of work to get past his own self loathing and become a person who is able to engage in a real and true relationship. There may be drugs and/or alcohol abuse and other coping mechanisms that come much before he is able to heal. Run....run far away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
In reply to: sjp
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 11:21am

Hi,

I wanted to suggest

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sjp
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2011
In reply to: sjp
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 9:08pm
Thank you

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