sexual desire?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
sexual desire?
19
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 11:00am

Do you think the sex partner has much to do with sexual desire?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 11:58am

I think sexual desire is a combination of desire for release, desire for certain activities and desire for a certain person. Depending on the people and circumstances, these elements may exist in very different proportions.

For some people, it is very important to feel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2007
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 1:25pm

"but i can't perform"

JP
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 2:01pm

>>>>> When I curl up, fully clothed, on the couch with him, and move his hands away from my "private" parts He says I am rejecting him. I don't think I am rejecting HIM, I may be rejecting sex, but not him. <<<<<

You are both correct. You do not intend to reject him. He feels rejected. Neither of you is wrong. You are just different. In a fairly typical way.

Sorry, but there is likely no way you are going to get him to stop FEELING rejected when you turn down sex. You can make it easier by adjusting the WAY you reject him. And by providing him with enough sex that he does not feel starved. But for a person who strongly desires sex, and in particular who desires to be desired by their partner, being turned down for sex IS being rejected.

Not saying he can't learn to modulate his thought process or his behavioral reactions. He can and should. But he may not be able to ever stop feeling that first pang of hirt when you say "no".

>>>>> now he cannot perform.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 2:06pm
>>Not saying he can't learn to modulate his thought process or his behavioral reactions. He can and should. But he may not be able to ever stop feeling that first pang of hirt when you say "no". <<

I call BS on this. I learned to stop taking my DH's habit of NEVER commenting on my appearance as proof positive that he did not find me attractive, I think he can learn to stop taking my admonishment that "I don't feel like having sex right now" as proof positive that I don't love him. What matters here is whether or not the person WANTS to learn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 3:13pm

Shoot, how did that "

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 3:32pm

My DH does not like the symphony or the ballet, but will go with me to these events several times a year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2007
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 4:11pm

I look at a lot of porn but as soon as they DW gets home i stop and spend time with her.

JP
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 4:22pm
>>I look at a lot of porn but as soon as they DW gets home i stop and spend time with her. IT never takes away from our time together. would that still hurt your feelings?<<

jspj, in my opinion you are doing fine. She doesn't want as much sex as you do. You are relieving yourself so as not to overburden her, and you are doing it in a way that is not (presumably) taking anything away from her (your time.) Keep on doing what you are doing. It seems perfectly reasonable to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2007
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 4:39pm

Thanks for the encouragement.

JP
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 4:53pm
>>Thanks for the encouragement. Just when i think it's ok to look at porn i have religious drawbacks to looking at and then i'm in a quandry don't have sex don't look at porn. I just wish she wanted sex....<<

It's very unusual for any couple to remain perfectly matched in libido for the entirety of their relationship. Mismatches do occur, and they do not spell doom. What spells doom is how you and your partner choose to HANDLE the mismatch. You are doing the best you can in a difficult situation. As long as you are not hurting anyone and you still have a good relationship with your spouse, I say "wank away!"

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