Should I get a divorce? Very little intimacy and Sex!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Should I get a divorce? Very little intimacy and Sex!
5
Wed, 07-10-2013 - 3:20am

Hi,

I've been married for 12 years. I was only 20 and he was 23 when we got married. He was virgin and I had two partners before. One of them was a BF of a few years so sex was really great. DH and I did not have sex before we got married (religion). On our honeymoon we had sex twice and it was very quick and boring. I got worried but I knew he didn't have any experience. At the time I was in love and just thought that he would get better. For the first 4 years of our marriege I was not happy with our sex life, but I didn't share my feelings as much. I started to open up and tell DH things I liked and he was ok trying it. Sex got a little better but he was never really driven..we would have sex at the beggining 1x a week...sometimes 1x every two weeks. Then I wanted to get pregnant and that's when things started to get worst. So it really hurted my feelings at the beggining because I would make plans and tell him when I was fertile and he would not care. At first he said he was scared, but then accepted the idea of getting pregnant...but he was always so cold about it. I am very romantic and I always thought of this moment as a very special and important moment in my life. I did share my feelings and he got a little better. It took me 1 year to get pregnant...I think the main reason was because we dindnt have sex when we were suppose to even though I would make plans and let him know. Back then I thought he was just imature and that he was scared so I tried to let it go. Then when I was pregnant he was very cold. Again, it was something that I had pictured my entire life...having a husband that would massage me, talk to my belly....do these silly things. He didnt show much emotion. In fact, I got depressed and I would cry a lot during the night and he would not even ask "why". But I didnt want to end my marriage...now we had a baby and I wanted to make things work so for a little while I convinced myself that it was ok but I was not happy.

I would get frustrated with him for other stupid things that were not what was really bothering me. So I began to express my felling...that lack of sex and bad sex. I tried to do it in a way that I would not make him feel bad...but I wanted him to take some action and "fix" his probelm. Find a doctor...read about his issue, I dont know...anything that could make our sex life better.. We had another child three years later(2009) and he was better as far as showing a little more emotion and exitment but sex still frustrated me.

Well, it frustrates me that he does nothing about it even though for the past three years I've been telling him that I need to have more intimacy. It's not only sex. He does not take me on dates, just the two of us. He does not care of buying me Bday presents, Xtmas presents and I've shared with him how much I need those things. Ok, so you're probably wondering why am I still with this guy? Well, everytime we would argue about this he would promisse he would fix things. He says he loves me more than anything and that he doesn't know what's wrong with him...he likes sex but doesnt know why he doesnt do it more often and he feels bad bc he feels he doens't give me pleasure. He feels stressed with money, work, kids, etc..So I know he has a low self steam. I wanted to help him but the problem is that he says he wants to fix but never does. He says he'll start taking me on dates, have romantic dinners..even a walk on the park, but never does. It's always the family. He doesnt know how to separate the mother from the wife, the lover.When we go to bed we dont hug, talk and share our intimacy. He always end up rolling over and going to sleep. For the past year I've been having a hard time falling asleep and I just cry myself to sleep.

So last november I told him I was done. That I wanted a divorce. He started to sleep on the couch. We started to fight a lot..even more than before. We got into a really bad fight and he moved out in March to his dad's appt but he comes here everyday to see the kids and we still share our bank acct and everything else is the same except he sleeps there. Now we are doing therapy. We started a few weeks ago and I am so lost. I don't know what to do. I feel this marriage is over. I dont believe taht therapy will fix the sex issue. The intimacy issue is even worst for me. He is a very close person and I am not. I am Brazilian...I love sex, I love to talk, I love intimacy and I have a very hard time with how cold and close he is. I don't want to distroy my family, and he does love me. I know he loves me...he is the kind of guy that besides what I've shared, he does everything for me. He comes home and cleans, does the laudry, dishes and cook if he has to without complainning. He gives the kids showers and puts them to bed while I just sit and watch TV. But I've shared with him that those things do not fullfill my needs.

Now he is begging me to give us a second chance and he wants to move back and make things work. I dont believe that sex will get any better. Honestly I feel neglected and ignored specially during the past two years (would have 5 min sex every three weeks or so). Now I don't want any intimacy with him. I can't even stand when he tries to touch me, kiss me or hug me. I feel hurt that even though we've had many discussions on how much sex and intimacy is important he has never taken any action to fix the problem.

The only thing thats holding me is the fact that we have never tried to fix our issues the right way with therapy...he has never tried to fix his premature ejaculation problem with the right help. I think we were both too stuburrn. We are both very smart, funny, have college degrees so we just always thought we could manage it all.

I feel like I should give him a second chance only because I know I havent' given my best either. I would get frustrated and scream and become abusive...but all because of my lack of sex and intimacy and he knows that and admits he is wrong and wants to fix things. Problem is that I dont know if I care anymore...I think I have moved on or I am too hurt.  The past six months I've been extremelly drepressed. I cry everyday...but it's not because I miss HIM...Im just so sad that I have neglected myself for so long and I don't want to continue to do it. It kills me to even have to give it another try but every person I talk to tells me I should be 100% sure before I make this decision...and I am soo confused.

When do you know that it's over? I don't believe sex it's going to get any better and I am not ok with it. I want a good, healhty sex life and intimacy. I need that...he promisses it will..that he's willing to treat it, that he is depressed as well, that he wants to treat his issues to make me happy...but I just don't think it's going to happen as much as I want to believe him.

Please help...Im confused if I should even give him a chance or just move forward with my divorce.

Thank yoU!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think you should really discuss these issues with your therapist --when you are alone, not when you're with him there.  But I'd say if you're not 100% sure, then give him a chance.  then if you still decide to divorce, you will know you really tried everything.  I went to therapy to try to decide whether to get divorced (totally different issues) and my therapist said that you'll know when it's time & it was true--she said give the person a chance to change what is bothering you, so one night I came home & told my ex that these were the problems and instead of saying he would change, he said he was really not doing those things--so basically after that, I knew I was done cause he was never going to change.  I don't really think your DH will make permanent changes--he'll probably do it for a while & then backslide into what he was doing in the past, but then at least you can say that you gave him the chance & he didn't follow through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

I will mimic what music said and I truly believe that it would be a good idea though to earn your way out of the marriage and leave no stone unturned about it all if you are not sure.. Do all you can to save it but in the end you def. will know in your gut if you are done and wont regret the decision because you did your best ....

I would also go to therapy alone to sort out your own feelings without the hubby...Other people can surely cloud what we want especially when they are so close like husbands and children...

I also believe that people dont change all that much from past experience.. Dr.Phil has some good books on the subject and his website also gives some great ideas on this..

Good Luck!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

As others said, I'd discuss the matter with your therapist first and get his/her feedback.  However, I also feel you are justified in being pessimistic. From Day 1 of your relationship, he has barely wanted sex. Additionally, other aspects of your relationship aren't good. From my experience with situations like yours, radical differences in desire tend not to be fixable, but a permanent problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004

Thanks. I am looking for a therapist...I agree that I need to have someone to discuss with. I feel guilty for wanting a divorce...I need to talk to someone! I want to give him a chance but I also want to be guilt free and ok with my decision if things dont change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2013
Since you have had such a long relationship, it would not be worthy to close all the doors before trying out all the options. Do consult a therapist as a last resort.